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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Taking 3 year out to funeral?

68 replies

changed1 · 17/04/2019 18:32

It's my grandmas funeral tomorrow. Everyone who could watch my 3 year old is going. My partner works away but cant get back. His family wont help. My father is fine with me taking him but my aunt is kicking off over it. I'm torn on what to do, I really dont wanna miss it as we were extremely close I was the one who looked after her in her final weeks the only one that really had anything to do with her for the last ten years. My children are also extremely close to her. Would you take him? I'm so torn the last thing I want to do is upset anyone anymore but I'll regret it for the rest of my life if I dont go.

OP posts:

Mammyloveswine · 17/04/2019 19:49

My 3 year old is feral so i wouldn't take him! But you know your child and you have the right to say your last goodbyes.

Thatsashame · 17/04/2019 19:51

I took my then 1.5 year old 3 year old and 5 year old to my grandfathers. They knew why they were there as i exolained at ana ge appropriate level. They got to say goodbye as they were close and they were very well behaved and i had them on mh own as dh couldnt come. Everyone commented how well behaved they were. It will be fine.

Thatsashame · 17/04/2019 19:52

Even though its a sad time the kids might cheer people up! Funerals dont have to be morbid.

harajukubabe · 17/04/2019 19:54

I would take him with me. This is about life. It's normal for everyone to die. At 3 he won't understand much anyway!
Go, for closure for you

Aprillygirl · 17/04/2019 19:54

Of course you should go OP! You could let him play on your phone or ask your eldest if she'd take him outside for a bit if he does play up through boredom,but the chances are he'll be fine. Good luck and I'm sorry for your loss .

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 17/04/2019 19:55

I didn't go to my great uncle's funeral service this week for similar reasons but DS is just under five months and going through the wow listen to how loud I can be phase. We took a walk in the gardens during the service and laid flowers by the grave and went to the wake after. I actually had a lot of people saying oh you should've just brought him in, but I felt I paid my respects and didn't disrupt anything. You know your child and if you think they'll be ok take them

Ribbonsonabox · 17/04/2019 19:58

If it's what your grandma would want then take him. I took my 3yo son to my grandmas funeral. There was a little play area at the back of the church to keep him occupied though. There was no way I wasnt going to my own grandmothers funeral! No member of our family wouldve dreamed of suggesting I houldnt tbf.. I think your aunt is being extremely unreasonable. She is not the only one grieving and wanting to pay respects. Surely it should be about what the deceased would have wanted and i cannot see any scenario where a much loved grandmother would want her granddaughter and great grand child not to attend if they wanted to...

Chinks123 · 17/04/2019 20:00

It depends on how the child normally behaves. My dd is nearly 6 but I wouldn’t take her, as she is to put it nicely, a pain in the arse, at public gatherings.
She’s interrupted weddings and is very noisy, so at a recent funeral she didn’t go, however it wasn’t a close family member. I’m not sure what I’d do if it was..I’m sorry for your loss op.

Cautionsharpblade · 17/04/2019 20:26

Your aunt has made it clear she doesn’t want the child there and I think you need to respect that. I’d be livid if someone brought a small child to my mum’s funeral when I’d asked them not to. As for children ‘cheering people up’, not everybody likes their company. Especially not at a funeral.

Keiki · 17/04/2019 20:26

Took my 3 and three quarter year old to my grans funeral last year, because she'd have wanted her there. I was a bit worried as she is lively, but she sat quietly doing colouring during the talking/readings, had a cuddle during standing up bits and danced in her spot during the songs. Everyone expressed how lovely it was to have her there but I was prepared to take her out if she was too much of a pain.

Chloemol · 17/04/2019 20:34

Just go and take him. It’s nothing to do with your aunt. If she kicks off at the funeral then that’s her problem

jpclarke · 17/04/2019 21:05

It was their great grandmother, I wouldn't give it a second thought. Your father has approved, and I would just leave your aunt off to it. Anybody attending the funeral could potentially bring a child.

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 17/04/2019 21:12

We took our 4 yo DD to my mum's funeral. Its actually helpful for children to see people upset as they learn how to process grief by what they are taught. If I hadn't allowed DD to see me upset she wouldn't have seen me for about 6 months!

As a nation we really have hidden death away since it stopped happening so much at home, its "not appropriate" for children. But they are the deceased one's family too and deserve to understand that the person isn't coming back.

I can't imagine telling anyone who could or couldn't attend my mum's funeral. Or expect that anyone would even ask my permission.

Bookworm4 · 17/04/2019 21:19

I'll go against the grain here, personally find it odd that people have begun taking very small kids to funerals, I think it's selfish and inappropriate, respect that other people would like to mourn in peace and not put up with toddlers. Also odd that all the MN folk want to protect their DC from virtually everything yet drag them along to funerals. In this instance you have been asked not to; respect that.

BrokenWing · 17/04/2019 21:25

I would find out the wishes of the chief mourners (spouses/parents or children of the deceased). If any of them didn't want children there it would be disrespectful to take them.

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 17/04/2019 21:26

Bookworm4 if people want to mourn in peace they can do so at home, funerals are hardly peaceful anyway. Lots of talking, some singing, muffled crying.

Why should OP miss the funeral just because one person says no? Her own father, same level of family member as her aunt has said its fine.

stucknoue · 17/04/2019 21:33

Go but sit at one end of the aisle, even at the back and take something quiet for them to do

Halo1234 · 18/04/2019 00:08

Sorry for your loss. It's not your aunts place to control whether or not you take your children. That's your right as their mother. I also agree there is no point is sheltering them from such an important part of life as op said. I would def take him if I was you. If your aunt has a problem it's not your problem. You are family too. Everyone who loved her and was part of her life has a right to say goodbye whether they are 3, 11 or 13 or any age. You will be looking after him so him being there does affect your aunt.

SleepingStandingUp · 18/04/2019 00:14

I think it depends in part why Aunt has said no.

Is she worried 3 to will be dancing around and singing loudly thus disrupting it - is this a risk? Can you have an agreement with the older kids that they'll stand outside with him if he's restless?
Or is it the principal of the matter because she wouldn't have let gers go until X age?

I think given that you and your children had your own close relationship with your Grandma and your Dad is saying it's fine, I'd take them.

I'm sorry for your loss

JeNeBaguetteRien · 18/04/2019 00:27

I would find out the wishes of the chief mourners (spouses/parents or children of the deceased). If any of them didn't want children there it would be disrespectful to take them.

But the aunt who is objecting is a child of the deceased, as is OP's father. They're not in agreement, so why should the aunt call the shots.

OP was close to her grandmother so should go. If the grandmother liked seeing her great grandchildren then surely they should be able to go to her funeral.
I don't get all this protect children from seeing adults upset, it's good to know that it's okay/normal to be sad when someone has died.
Death is a part of life and actually less daunting to have grown up attending funerals and understanding that.

Dieu · 18/04/2019 08:28

I don't believe in children going to funerals. I can't explain it, but it is wholly unnecessary. I say it more from the point of view of the child, as opposed to the other adults attending. I don't think it's appropriate for them to witness such naked grief and everything else going on. They're kids!
OP, it's different for you if you don't have childcare but don't you have a friend who could step in?

BrokenWing · 18/04/2019 12:53

But the aunt who is objecting is a child of the deceased, as is OP's father. They're not in agreement, so why should the aunt call the shots.

Because the aunt is distressed at the thought of children being there and disturbing the proceedings and her feelings should be respected. OP's father doesn't mind if the children are there (or not), surely you can appreciate the difference at such a difficult time for the aunt?

No-one who is mourning a close relative wants a 3 year old who doesn't have a clue whats going on up the back of the room potentially shouting out randomly, followed by mum going ssshh/saying sorry/trying to wrestle them out or maybe having a tantrum due to boredom during the solemn parts of the funeral such as the coffin being brought in, or when the room is very quiet and everyone is having a moment of silence and reflection. tbh it is downright selfish and inappropriate taking a child of that age.

Get a minder for the toddler for the ceremony and take them to the wake.

SrSteveOskowski · 18/04/2019 13:18

@Dieu, but death is a natural part of life. When children see that from a young age, then as far as they're concerned it's normal.
I was probably a babe in arms the first time I went to a funeral. I can't even remember it.
The first funeral I remember is my cousin when he was 19 and I was about 9, but I think the reason that one stands out is because he was the first young person I had ever seen dead, and he died in tragic circumstances.
My friend in school on the other hand was 18 when she first went to a funeral and freaked out because the deceased man looked, well, deceased. She'd expected him to look as he always had.

Original poster

changed1 · 19/04/2019 00:31

Update I took him. He didn't make a fuss just cuddled into me or my father and looked through his favourite book. Aunt wasn't happy and kicked off at the wake as a funeral is no place for small children! Luckily everyone else could see why I took him, but now I'm the reason her mothers funeral was a disaster. I dont think she would of been happy either way. Feel awful I've made her feel this way but selfishly I had to say my final goodbye.

OP posts:

ElizabethMainwaring · 19/04/2019 00:40

That's such a shame. It sounds like you are taking the brunt of your aunt's grief. Hope you have a peaceful night.

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