To ask those of you who's partners have their own businesses

[Shitshitshitshit]

DH has had his own business for around 3 years now.

It's going really well and he's doing well financially from it at the moment. I've been helping a lot with admin/paperwork side of things too as it's just sort of exploded straight away so there's a lot to do! I'm really proud of what he's managed to build in the short amount of time.

He works hard though. He very rarely has a break and will often have to go in at weekends etc... as he has a lot of work on. I worry that he will end up burning himself out (it's quite a physical what he does).

He also struggles to wind down at home. We really enjoy each other's company and he's a good partner but I can tell he constantly has things to do with work on his mind. He doesn't get stressed at me but I can tell he's generally stressed iyswim.

I'm also a natural worrier too so I always have a little bit in the back of my mind panicking about what we'd do if it all went to pot (which there's no sign of at the moment but still!).

Those of you who are married to/with someone who has their own business, do you find it hard sometimes? Do your OHs work a lot and find it hard to turn off when they are home? And was it worth it for you in the end?

I can tell you from both sides.
We had a business together. We were never off!
Now he is doing his own thing and... He was never off!
I managed to win a battle for 1 day off. Which he spends half on a phone or "I need to just quickly run somewhere". But at least I get that 1 evening a week😁

You just get used to it and find your own things to do. I get it because I was there too. Never fully turned off, so I am just getting on with it and cheer for him, support him whenever he needs it and let him moan over the beer when he has time.
It is worth it imho, because I am honestly so, SO proud of him and can see how happy he is when things are going great. He would die of boredom in an office or smth. He can't chill, he needs to do something non stop. And yeah. I keep trying to make him at least eat really healthy so he doesn't drop of hearth attack before 40.

My dh has his own business and I think it's a very different question to ask the partner vs the business owner. I do quite a lot for it too but it's a sideline for me. If you asked DH he would probably say that he has a great work life balance, lots of time with family, etc etc. And it's technically true. But he's never fully present-the smart watch is always on, the phone always beeping, and he is not capable of ignoring it regardless of what we are doing. It drives me up the fucking wall sometimes and I have to have frequent talks to remind him to tone it down.

Trembling in fear, feeling like a wildebeest walking through the Serangati with a pink hide, spray painted "Eat Me Please" can I just add another possibility to the equation.

What if DH and DW have separate businesses and are also in partnership with others in a third business?

My DH runs his own business and eats, sleeps and breathes his work. We discuss work throughout the day, everyday and into the evening. He is passionate about his work and has huge drive but it’s not a stressful life - it can be on occasion and was a lot of the time at the start but I think anyone who’s successful and drives their own company needs to have this attitude.

My DH has his own business which he set up 4 years ago. I’m not going to lie, sometimes I wish he earned less money but had a normal 9-5 job.

We had our DD 10 months ago, and I agree with a previous poster that I sometimes feel like a single parent. A normal working day for him is 7-7, but during busy times that’s more like 7-9. He struggles to take time off as he is so busy, and even when he does he is still checking emails and taking phone calls. He definitely finds it difficult to switch off, although I think he would deny that.

I know (hope) that it will get easier eventually but he’s still at the stage where he doesn’t feel he can turn down work in case there’s none around the corner, which I completely understand. But I do worry that he will burn himself out before we get to that stage!

It can be very irritating when his phone goes at a party or day out with the kids and he’s on the phone for an hour. Although we go on holidays he is always ‘on’ and if the phone rings he’ll always answer.

Perhaps mine is the exception but my DH runs his own business but it isn't all consuming.

Sometimes he has calls in the evening, or works late. Yes, he was on the phone 20 mins after DC2 was born closing a deal, but I don't find it encroaching into our lives and he can switch off.

I think it helps that he has an office which is a commute away, so a clear delineation from home. And he also has staff and a business partner, so someone else can theoretically pick things up, although in reality he always deals with his own clients etc

I'm in almost exactly your shoes OP. DH has been running his own business for almost 6 years, and I do the admin & accounts (SAHM with preschool children). When he's not at work he's thinking about it, when one problem has been solved another promptly appears, and the moment things are quiet a client calls. Th

I think the only way to avoid resenting the all-consuming nature of it is to become equally engaged, and then negotiate to make sure you get some work-free time. When the business started he'd be on site 8-8 Mon-Sat, now it's 8-6 Mon-Fri (plus admin, research and endless phone calls, but at least he's home for them!)

I'm also a natural worrier, and I've had to really work on dialing this down because otherwise I panic about everything he does. Now that I'm not worried about everything we communicate better about the business and he takes my concerns more seriously!

Dh owns his own business and the kids hardly see him. It’s on his mind constantly and he only switches off (a bit ) when we go on holiday.

The more successful it’s become means more stress and worry making sure all the staff get paid and we do. Our kids are in private school and love them so the pressure is always on to make sure it continues to do well to make sure we can pay for their schooling.

I do sometimes wish he had just kept his 9-5 job that kept us ticking by.

Hi, my DP has had his own business now for 3 years, it's relatively successful (and growing) and he's bringing in around 2-4K depending at the moment each month.

(As you probably know clients can leave & join quickly so income is up and down, quite stressful tbf)

He definitely finds it hard to turn off, he worked until 3am last night and had done all day long. I often find myself doing the majority of house keeping even though I work full time myself. He does walk the dog though at least!

It is quite hard to live with sometimes as he gets annoyed if I interrupt and often works all weekend, so if I want to spend the day with him he'll often complain it's a day wasted ().

I am so proud of him though & how he's built it up, I certainly couldn't do it myself as you have to be very disciplined & sacrifice a lot.

It can be hard to live with though, I guess it's the same for anyone who's married to/dating a workaholic!

@ILoveMaxiBondi I think OP wants to talk to people in their position, as it's hard living with someone who has their own business most of the time.

My Dh has his own business and has done the whole time we've been married. Its not done well since the recession in 2008 and i spend a lot of time/energy worrying about it! Dh often works 12 hour days and his answer to stress is wine!!

This is just how it is. My husband has a business. Works Monday to Friday, Saturday mornings and sometimes a Sunday too. We have a couple of long weekend type holidays still with mobile phone on and checking emails. This is just how it is. I do all the admin for the business alongside my other jobshare job. This is just as it is. We should really employ someone but really can't face the idea of it and also no-one looks after your money quite
Like you do.

Can i ask-are all the businesses mentioned selling services rather than products?
I don't know but I feel like having clients is more time consuming than just having suppliers/customers?

Me and my husband have a business together. In the construction industry. I do the admin and tax stuff, he wins the work and does it.

I can switch off mainly because it's not me doing the physical, actual work, just the admin. But dh finds it more difficult.

A couple of years I said all works were to be suspended while we were on holiday (a week a year usually) because it was too stressful watching dh walk up and down the beach sorting out issues, or the phone ringing and waking everyone at 8.30am because a delivery hasn't turned up, or the lads had a problem.

Dh also had a heart attack 3 years ago. Told him unless he took better care of himself I would fold the business.

It's been difficult. We have had several large payments never made because companies have gone bankrupt. And 2 years ago someone just refused to pay. That was the most stressful thing. He was prepared to go all way to court I reckon, then probably settle outside court to make us go away. The problem was it would have cost us so much to get there, if he hadn't paid or went bankrupt beforehand we would have gone under too.

The amount of stress it put dh under wasn't worth it. So to reduce our exposure and risk we decided to reduce the contract size we would take on. Cut down to dh plus 3 or 4 other subcontractors (from 15 or so). It means dg is directly managing every man and can oversee all works, and has reduced our average invoice down from 15k a week to around 5k a week. Which means we can insist on maximum fortnightly pay and reduces our chances of not getting paid.

As a result dh is a lot happier and a lot nicer to live with. He's more involved with family life, is enjoying doing stuff like diy and the allotment and we spend more time together.

It has meant accepting that we are never going to make a fortune, but we make a decent living and because there is less paperwork, I have time for my own little business as well which compensates a bit for the reduction in income.

Dp runs his own business which is doing well right now. I mitigate the stress by making sure we could manage on my salary if it all went tits up!

There have been times when he has been very wrapped up in what he's doing. If it is because there is a deadline coming up I try to be understanding, but where it has started eating into our everyday life I have asked him to negotiate computer free times.

Our set up has always involved doing equal childcare, and this hasn't changed since starting the business. In fact, it is massively helpful that he has control over his own diary.

It's tough going sometimes. We're coming up on 7 years since DP started his business and we've not had a holiday in that time! I quit my job to work for him after the business had been running for a year, so I have a fair idea of the amount of stress and work involved. I'd say it's definitely worth it though. Not having to answer to anyone as you're your own boss and the money is way better than any salary either of us earned previously.

I run my own business but am not willing to let it interfere with family life.
I worked Much more and travelled much more before having dc but now that I do I will not work weekends or most evenings. I could make more money if I worked more but it’s not as important as my family.
My dh has a professional job too so I’m not the only breadwinner.

IfNotNowThenWhy

Both sides of my family own businesses that sell products/have customers - its still all consuming, but they have premises and employees to manage too.

Thanks, that's interesting.

Thank you all for replying!

It sounds like it may just be par for the course.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not unhappy. He's a good man and we have a great relationship still. As I said up thread it's just hard to find the balance of being supportive and not letting him work himself to an early grave.

I have had 25 years of this (blimey) I agree with most pps one of the things that has really pissed me off over the years is bank holidays, we never were able to go anywhere as a family as he always had extra very lucrative work coming in, I put up with it because in the back of my mind I could/can remember the gut churning worry of losing a large client. I have tried not to moan and be supportive but sometimes arghhhh it drives me mad, one day I will smash that fucking phone into a thousand tiny pieces.

My husband was really stressed for the first 2 and half years after he became a business owner. He was working 12-14 hour days during the week and doing 4-5 hours each day at the weekend.

Then, suddenly a light went on. He realised that his business was dependent on his performance, and his performance would suffer if he didn’t look after himself.

He read some sports performance articles online and realised that meant regular exercise, regular relaxation, good sleep, healthy eating, good personal relationships.

Now he still works long hours, but that means a 10-11 hour day, plus he regularly finishes at 5 on Friday. He keeps weekend working to a couple of hours on one of the days, and that’s only if he really needs to, so it’s once or twice a month. If he has to do a week long trip away, he’ll take a day or two off either before or after to compensate for the missed evenings.

DH runs his own business, and has about 8 staff. His working hours are pretty much 12 a day including Saturdays, and then on Sundays he plays golf as that's his hobby (and I never resent him that as it's getting exercise and fresh air).... so he has Sunday afternoons at home, most of which is spent asleep in a chair. He's 54, and is struggling these days to stay on top of it all being really honest. It's been so manic the last year that I now do 2 days a week in the office as well as his full time assistant to keep on top of things, so I do get to spend more time with him.... even if it's not "quality" time as such.

There are times I feel neglected, and very fed up when things just don't get done at home - but the trade off is a large home, money in the bank and nice cars and being able to help our adult DC out financially etc. The work/life scales never balance evenly when one of you works for themselves, IMO.

I'm in your shoes. Husband is founder CEO of company that we started in the spare room.

I scaled back my career significantly (sold my businesses for a flexible job so I do 95% of childcare and run household) with the understanding that when the children are older, it will be my time to pursue whatever I want and he will have to support.
This was to avoid strain on our health, marriage and have a better quality of life.

We buy in help, gardener, cleaner etc so that weekends is pure family time. I take the children to activities on Saturday morning and he has a lie in and he is in a much better frame of mind when we are back, ready for the weekend. He seems to have let go of the week when we do that.

I get 'my time' mostly during the week when the children are at school and I'm not working. sometimes he will take the children to his mums where she will pamper him and I get a few hours to myself.

We also don't sweat the small stuff. If something doesn't get fixed for a while, so what. Just reduce stress where you can.

I have to physically get him out of the house/ country to get him to relax and stop looking at emails. So long country walls with no signal, lots of time with friends and bike rides with the children.

He has also recently been finishing his work at work and coming home a bit later but he says he prefers that as he can mentally 'wipe his feet' so he is more present when he is home but there are still days when he is distracted.

We have date night on Thursdays. Phone s off, easy food and Netflix and chill when the kids are asleep although this is getting harder as they sleep later now.

Also good food - people I know get gousto in to eat well. avoid eating badly, and both of you get some vitamins, esp vit D. Money and a heart attack at 40 is not the aim here.

Good luck