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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Gifting

29 replies

Numptysod · 17/04/2019 16:30

My DP has just his DM and DSis and DBIl so 3 people.

Where as I have DM DF - bro/sil - 2 Nieces - step nephew -step mum
I have 8 people

DP feel we should spend same on each family

So say 8 x 20 per person on my side would be £160

And he feels just 20 x 3 is £60
DP feels it should be £160 for his family too divided by them, so £50 pound each on them?

Is this fair?
My friend only buys children presents and not her DSis and DBIL
Would consider this I suppose, instead of £80 on dbro/SIL

AIBU to consider this, fair on both sides??

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 17/04/2019 16:32

Why not buy nice presents you know the people will like rather than all this tallying up?

ScreamingValenta · 17/04/2019 16:32

It depends how you organise your finances.

If all presents come out of joint money, then it sounds fair.

If they come out of your personal money, you should spend what you like.

Original poster
Numptysod · 17/04/2019 16:33

Typically birthday adult get cash/voucher

Kids get presents

OP posts:
wildbhoysmama · 17/04/2019 16:35

Gifting is not a verb- drives me up the wall to head it. Gift giving.

wildbhoysmama · 17/04/2019 16:35

*hear not head

DontPanic42 · 17/04/2019 16:35

That doesn't sound right to me, because there are less people they get more money spent on them? I would probably spend about the same for each person, more or less, or just buy for the kids as suggested

AryaStarkWolf · 17/04/2019 16:35

I can't believe you've actually sat down and worked that out, like Bertrand said, would you not just buy them stuff they might like, some may be more, some may be less?

PurpleDaisies · 17/04/2019 16:35

Spending equally on each family seems like it will actually lead to more unfairness. I’d just buy nice presents you think they’ll like and forget about trying to make it balance.

AryaStarkWolf · 17/04/2019 16:37

Typically birthday adult get cash/voucher

I wouldn't be Ok with my Brother getting £20 in a card and his getting £60, absolutely no way

Original poster
Numptysod · 17/04/2019 16:39

DP family always spend more on me than my family spend on him, didn’t help bro/SIL didn’t buy him present on his bday, to be fair they only found out week before so got beer which he doesn’t drink!

I wasn’t happy, but week or so after DP birthday they found out niece had autism

OP posts:
IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 17/04/2019 16:39

If joint money then what he wants is fair, if from personal salary both just spend within the their and if only one salary whoevers it is sets the gift budget.

stucknoue · 17/04/2019 16:39

I sort of get what he's saying but (without sounding mercenary ) it also depends on the gift giving in return. We gave gifts to my family more partly because it's reciprocal.

Original poster
Numptysod · 17/04/2019 16:42

I understand my SIL could of just put money/voucher in card! But i can’t tell them what to do!

OP posts:
TowerRavenSeven · 17/04/2019 16:42

I’d figure out how much I’d want to spend and divide it by the total number of people. Why if you or he had 12 brothers and sisters and their kids and the other had 1?

Original poster
Numptysod · 17/04/2019 16:47

A friend said kids only as my family always go out for meal to celebrate, so I am spending out on everyone birthday, anyway!

Maybe friend right and just kids for presents!

OP posts:
Original poster
Numptysod · 17/04/2019 16:49

DP family don’t tend to do birthdays just small present visit and that it, accept on bigs ones

Whereas my family it big meal out and presents!

OP posts:
LazyLizzy · 17/04/2019 16:50

For Christmas/birthdays I buy for my side of the family and DH buys for his, from our own money.

So if I want to spend a fortune on one person and a pound on another then that's up to me.

I will get all mine during the year and be ready and wrapped by December, whereas DH will be running around like a headless chicken on 24th Dec or just take the easy way out and give everybody cash.

MsSquiz · 17/04/2019 16:51

We roughly spend the same amount on everyone.
DH's family are: mum, dad, sister, husband, brother, wife, 2 nephews, 1 niece

My family:
My cousin, her boyfriend, my auntie, her husband

Applejack5 · 17/04/2019 16:53

We've never sat down and worked out how many family members we're buying for and split it by family. How odd! It'd feel strange to me for us to be giving DH's siblings a £60 gift and mine £20 (or vice versa) just because one family happens to be bigger than the other.

Original poster
Numptysod · 17/04/2019 16:58

To me it should be equal, but realistically can see DP point!

OP posts:
WoogleCone · 17/04/2019 16:59

I can't see it as a your family/my family thing, for us they are just adults or children in our lives and each gets roughly the same budget. When we think about what they might like sometimes there's a couple quid goes either way but that's neither here nor there.
I've found my mum's Xmas present already, it's £18 and with a small associated item to go with it will round it up to £25 which is about the budget.
I wouldn't be happy to spend £20 on my brother but £60 on DHs sister, equally wouldn't be happy the other way around.

Dishwashersaurous · 17/04/2019 17:10

Depends who is paying and whether comes out of joint account

Aragog · 17/04/2019 17:15

If joint money then what he wants is fair,

Not in our household!

We are married and have joint finances, though dh earns substantial more than I know - though he accepts that this is in part possible because I was was able to choose a career where I could be home for dd at times.

We have been married a while and known each other for longer. We treat both sides of the family as 'our' family these days. We don't do the whole my family/your family, my spending/your spending thing.

Everyone gets a similar amount spent on them, regardless of how many siblings, cousins, etc we have.

LL83 · 17/04/2019 17:15

I have a budget over person for presents, and if there is something particularly thoughtful for someone I may spend a bit more on any individual.

LL83 · 17/04/2019 17:16

*per person not over