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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being ungrateful and if not, will he ever see sense??

47 replies

Whatnowww · 17/04/2019 15:25

Sorry posting for traffic and name changed for this as sooo identifiable.
And long, sorry but can't really leave anything out.

Situation is: me and ex split up when dd was 10 months old. She is now 4.5 years old.
She goes to nursery on a Thursday morning, where I drop her off then go to work. Her dad then picks her up from nursery then has her until Saturday morning when I pick her back up.
I'm lucky in that I'm a care worker so I start my shift on a Thursday morning and finish on the Saturday morning then go pick dd back up.
This has worked out great as dds dad will only have her the two days (Thursday and Friday) so it means that I can earn a full time wage over those two days as I get paid for my sleep overs.
Since she was about 2 he has paid me £10 per week matainance.
Situation is now. My work are changing their hours, so I can either start at 8am or 6pm on the Thursday. 6pm would mean Me taking a pay cut, 8am would mean dds dad having to take her to nursery on Thursday morning. But he won't do that. He's flat out refused as it's too early (he can't be arsed basically) so I have to take the pay cut and start at 6pm. Ok not great but that's that.
So I asked him if he would pay more matainance, again he's refused.
He's saying it's not his fault that I've now got a pay cut (ahem, it is..) and why should he sort it?? I don't know what to do. I guess it's my own fault for letting it stay the way it was but I just didn't want to rock the boat and was grateful he had her when he did and I wasn't having to pay childcare fees.
I just want things to be fair, she's getting older now, needs more stuff (uniform etc) eats more etc etc!
Now I'm having to take a pay cut because he can't be arsed to get out of bed and take her to nursery one day a week (she goes for 3 days currently) but he won't budge with the maintenance he gives for her either.
What can I do?? I tried CMS ages a go and they were useless.. anyone had any luck with them in the past??
He has a full time job and lives with his mum so doesn't have any out goings apart from his phone (doenst have a car or anything) sorry, I don't know if that's relevant (probably not) but please don't rip me apart over saying that I just didn't want to leave anything out.
Should I just count myself lucky that shes got her dad (they have a great relationship fwiw), he has her when im at work so i dont have to pay childcare and he pays something?? Or should he be doing more?? I'm not expecting him to pay me what I'm losing out in at work.. just £10 more would help, so £20 per week?? Is that fair?
Help me see sense Sad

OP posts:
PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 17/04/2019 15:32

Does he actually work?

If he does I'd go through the CMS.

TooTrueToBeGood · 17/04/2019 15:32

YABU expecting someone who is clearly a selfish, oxygen-thieving arsehole to suddenly morph into a decent human being and father.

ScreamScreamIceCream · 17/04/2019 15:34

No he's being a prized a-hole.

Every year you and him should check your agreement and modify it if necessary.

This is because once your daughter goes to school and has school holidays you will both need to make arrangements for that.

Then once she becomes a teenager she will have a say in where she wants to go and you need to be on the same page in regards to whose house she is at when.

Also you need to remember children aren't pay per view. His maintenance for her should go up with inflation and that is separate from how much contact he has with her if he's not having her overnight.

So I suggest you say to him we need to talk about child arrangements because DD is going to go to school in September and she will have school holidays. (Norm is every other weekend and half the holidays plus one/two evenings in the week if you live near each other.)

Original poster
Whatnowww · 17/04/2019 15:35

🙄 also..
My current start time is 10am, I drop her off at 8.45 and get to work at 9.45.
They want me to start at 8am so I will have to leave for work at 7am.. breakfast club doesn't start until 8am and there's no childminder to do the drop off (I've checked and they are all full booked, for the next few years) so it's really down to him or I have to start at 6pm.
I have no family or friends near by or willing to drop her off either. I'm snookered.
Fwiw I'm ok with this, it's the fact he's refusing to pay more matainance that's pissed me off, the unfairness of the situation is shocking.

OP posts:
bluebell34567 · 17/04/2019 15:35

i dont think you are ungrateful.
try CMS.

Original poster
Whatnowww · 17/04/2019 15:41

He's not arsed about seeing her in the holidays and it doesnt affect me working, Every week he will only have her on the Thursday and Friday and that's my chance to work. So I can work without fear of what I'm going to do during the holidays which has suited me just fine tbh.

He's funny but in the past if ive asked him to watch her more he'll say he cant as hes always working, then if i ask for matainance he'll say no as he doenst earn enough as he doenst work enough Hmm YOU CANT HAVE IT BOTH WAYS!!! Angry

He causes so much aggro ive just left it but clearly the current situation isn't working out anymore.. I will try CMS again though.. even just to give him a fright Wink

OP posts:
snowdrop6 · 17/04/2019 15:48

Could you drop her off at her dads on Wednesday night all fed and ready for bed?...he would take her to nursery Thursday and pick up as normal? Or could you ask his mum if she would have her Wednesday night and take her to nursery

ShinyShoe · 17/04/2019 15:51

Contact CMS and get the maintenance you deserve. £10 a week is a joke!

snowdrop6 · 17/04/2019 15:51

Have you a friend you could pay to have her Wednesday night and take her to nursery Thursday morning.

Original poster
Whatnowww · 17/04/2019 15:55

Oooh chirst no, an extra night?? no chance, he'd laugh in my face at the very suggestion.
What I was trying to sort out would be me dropping her off at 7am all dressed and ready for school (she gets up at 7am anyway so even if she was sleeping there that's what time he would have to get up)
All he would have to do is take her to school.
I'm reluctant to ask his mum as she works and a Thursday is her only day off and tbh she does help out a lot with dd, often when I pick dd up on a Saturday morning she will be up with dd and he'll still be in bed.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatnowww · 17/04/2019 15:58

No there's no one else around Sad

I was hoping to use the childminder up the street but she's fully booked for the next few years believe it or not.
I live in a little village so using anyone outside of here wouldnt really work for timings as its pretty rural. Would take too long to get here and back for the minder.
Urgh.

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 17/04/2019 16:00

Ugh, I feel for you OP, seems like 9 times out of 10 it falls back on the mothers to be the responsible ones. I don't think you can force him to take her more or at different times but surely he should be paying more than £10 for her up keep, that's ridiculous money

PrincessDanae · 17/04/2019 16:00

1 or 2 hours is less time than requires a registered childminder (3 hours requires a registered CM), so you could ask a mum to take your DD that one morning a week and pay them.

LL83 · 17/04/2019 16:07

Ask his mum. If she finds it too much she can cut back the Saturday mornings. She might say no but it doesn't hurt to ask.

Also follow up CMS.

FriarTuck · 17/04/2019 16:08

Could you not speak to his mum and tell her what the situation is and ask her to give him shit until he agrees? She can make his life hell if he doesn't! Why should you lose out because she's raised a lazy toe rag?

Hidingtonothing · 17/04/2019 16:09

I think your only option is to pursue more maintenance through CMS, he obviously won't budge on the arrangements for DD so that's the only way to balance it out. Unless he's self employed they can take the money direct from his wages and check what he earns via his tax so you should get what's fair. When you say CMS were crap when you tried before, what happened? Lots of people on here have dealt with them so should be able to help if you're hitting specific problems with them.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 17/04/2019 16:09

Could you ask work if you can drop DD at breakfast club and then come in to work. You'd still be starting earlier than 10 but a bit later than 8. It's not unreasonable to expect some flexibility from them since they are the ones who want the change.
Failing that, I would talk to his mum. Maybe she will be able to kick him up the arse apply pressure to him that makes him help out.
And failing that go back to CSA and see if you can force a higher payment.

Foxmuffin · 17/04/2019 16:14

Definitely try CMS. They can collect CMS directly from source.

Eliza9919 · 17/04/2019 16:19

He's flat out refused as it's too early (he can't be arsed basically) so I have to take the pay cut and start at 6pm. Ok not great but that's that.
So I asked him if he would pay more matainance, again he's refused.

I'd take him to court and try wit everything possible to make him have her from Wednesday til Saturday.

MRex · 17/04/2019 16:22

Can you ask the nursery if they have a staff member who could take DD from 7am for an extra fee? Failing that just ask his mum, it doesn't sound like she'd mind.

alliejay81 · 17/04/2019 16:23

Your Ex sounds very U. Definitely need to sort out through CMS as others suggest. Maybe your work might be more reasonable than your Ex? Forgive me if you have, but have you explained your lack of childcare to them? You could probably put in a flexible working request. They may well be able to show they can't accommodate it, but given you already do that shift pattern I would think they would struggle. Would be worth consulting with you local CAB.

Original poster
Whatnowww · 17/04/2019 16:23

No he walks all over his poor mum so I dont want to add any more pressure to her and she doenst have it in her to stand up to him/anyone bless her Sad she's nearing retirement and just wants a quiet life.
He lives with her but 8ts not down to her to bring dd up for him, I know she's already doing more than she should anyway. Which I'm greatful for as i dont know how competent he would be on his own with dd..
I think I will go through CMS, I'm not sure if he gets paid cash in hand at his job so idk how that will go.. worth a try though!

That's a really good idea about suggesting to work I start at 9 and use the breakfast club thanks, I didn't think about that.

Re CMS. They just weren't interested, as I was receiving the £10 they said I should work with him to get more and they certainly would not take it from his wage (I asked this) and that was that.

Thank you for all these replies btw Smile it's really nice to know I'm not being ungrateful or grabby!

OP posts:
MRex · 17/04/2019 16:23

He's unreasonable by the way, I just don't see that you can turn him into a thoughtful man. And make sure you get as much money as you're due.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 17/04/2019 16:25

Definitely try CMS again. If he's working full time and only contributing £10 per week he should be fucking ashamed. (Except we all know he won't be.) Little weasel.

Peterpiperpickedwrong · 17/04/2019 16:25

If he lives with his mum is there any chance that your DD DGM would help?

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