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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I being ungrateful and if not, will he ever see sense??

47 replies

Whatnowww · 17/04/2019 15:25

Sorry posting for traffic and name changed for this as sooo identifiable.
And long, sorry but can't really leave anything out.

Situation is: me and ex split up when dd was 10 months old. She is now 4.5 years old.
She goes to nursery on a Thursday morning, where I drop her off then go to work. Her dad then picks her up from nursery then has her until Saturday morning when I pick her back up.
I'm lucky in that I'm a care worker so I start my shift on a Thursday morning and finish on the Saturday morning then go pick dd back up.
This has worked out great as dds dad will only have her the two days (Thursday and Friday) so it means that I can earn a full time wage over those two days as I get paid for my sleep overs.
Since she was about 2 he has paid me £10 per week matainance.
Situation is now. My work are changing their hours, so I can either start at 8am or 6pm on the Thursday. 6pm would mean Me taking a pay cut, 8am would mean dds dad having to take her to nursery on Thursday morning. But he won't do that. He's flat out refused as it's too early (he can't be arsed basically) so I have to take the pay cut and start at 6pm. Ok not great but that's that.
So I asked him if he would pay more matainance, again he's refused.
He's saying it's not his fault that I've now got a pay cut (ahem, it is..) and why should he sort it?? I don't know what to do. I guess it's my own fault for letting it stay the way it was but I just didn't want to rock the boat and was grateful he had her when he did and I wasn't having to pay childcare fees.
I just want things to be fair, she's getting older now, needs more stuff (uniform etc) eats more etc etc!
Now I'm having to take a pay cut because he can't be arsed to get out of bed and take her to nursery one day a week (she goes for 3 days currently) but he won't budge with the maintenance he gives for her either.
What can I do?? I tried CMS ages a go and they were useless.. anyone had any luck with them in the past??
He has a full time job and lives with his mum so doesn't have any out goings apart from his phone (doenst have a car or anything) sorry, I don't know if that's relevant (probably not) but please don't rip me apart over saying that I just didn't want to leave anything out.
Should I just count myself lucky that shes got her dad (they have a great relationship fwiw), he has her when im at work so i dont have to pay childcare and he pays something?? Or should he be doing more?? I'm not expecting him to pay me what I'm losing out in at work.. just £10 more would help, so £20 per week?? Is that fair?
Help me see sense

OP posts:

JustTwoMoreSecs · 17/04/2019 16:25

I agree with PP, the £10 a week is not enough, plus give him the choice of dropping her off on Wed evening or Thursday 7am, he can choose.

Original poster

Whatnowww · 17/04/2019 16:26

Also regarding work, they know the situation and I've managed to stall it for the past year but now it's causing issues to they do need me to start earlier
Its a real bummer as everything was working out ok until then.

OP posts:

Acis · 17/04/2019 16:41

I'd take him to court and try wit everything possible to make him have her from Wednesday til Saturday.

Court access proceedings just don't work like that.

PeachNut · 17/04/2019 16:49

Do you know any teenagers who you could pay to come over at 7 and drop off at nursery/breakfast club? I used to do this for my neighbour.

Figure8 · 17/04/2019 16:50

Does your job have a flexible working scheme? Is it possible to go in 30 mins later?

Knittedfairies · 17/04/2019 17:02

Tell him you're going to the CMS again. It may give him pause for thought.

AWishForWingsThatWork · 17/04/2019 17:07

CMS.

What an arsehole, to deprive his own child in this manner.

Original poster

Whatnowww · 17/04/2019 17:25

peachnut
I wish I did! I moved here a few years ago and I'm yet to make any friends, apart from saying the odd hello and maybe some small chit chat to my direct neighbours (one who is elderly) there's no one around.
I'm quite protective of dd so wouldn't want to just leave her with anyone, I've never even used a babysitter before something I may need to work on.. It's just with her being so young, when she gets older I think I'll relax more

OP posts:

Hecateh · 17/04/2019 18:23

CMS not interested because you are working and earning a wage. They only care if you are on benefits and they can reduce you benefits by the amount her pays.

That was always the case when I was on my own with 2 DC back in the 80's. I hoped they were better now - clearly not.

OKBobble · 17/04/2019 18:30

Of course CMS can take it from his wages.

Get back on to them straightaway and ask them also to back date it!!

IncrediblySadToo · 17/04/2019 18:37

How about asking the staff at the nursery if you could drop DD off with them and they take her in with them? Paying them privately of course. Lots of nursery staff babysit etc.

Your Ex is a douche

Original poster

Whatnowww · 17/04/2019 18:46

incrediblysadtoo
Thanks I'll have an ask about next week.
It's the school nursery so not private, will that make a difference?

OP posts:

Bringbackthestripes · 17/04/2019 20:06

So, the mum he lives with can’t help then?

CripsSandwiches · 17/04/2019 20:11

God what a useless waste of space he is. Agree with PP try CMS.

Original poster

Whatnowww · 17/04/2019 20:22

No she can't and I don't want to ask her.
She's nearing retirement and has her own job and life to think about. Thursday is her only day off and she sees dd enough when she's there (and does most of the childcare, morning wakings, night time baby sitting, funding days out etc etc) so I feel like she does enough. This is all through exp because he's a lazy sod.
Dd is mine and her dads responsibility not her grandmas, she can see her when she likes and I'm really not trying to martyr myself over this.. it's just she really does do enough and I'm not going to begrudge the woman of her only lie in each week. It's not fair on her.

OP posts:

Original poster

Whatnowww · 17/04/2019 20:26

It would be easier yes, but she knows the situation and if she was happy about it she would have offered by now, I know she would. But as she hasn't so I'm taking it she's just doesn't want to (which I understand) and I don't want to ask because it will put her in and awkward position.

OP posts:

mama17 · 17/04/2019 20:40

Certainly not being ungrateful! What is wrong with him! £10 a week is ridiculous. Defo take it further maybe speak to his mum too and ask her to help that way she will see her son is being unreasonable and maybe could talk to him to make him see sense! X

FluffySocks123 · 17/04/2019 21:00

@Hecateh

The CMS don't reduce your benefits as the resident parent. However much the op earns doesn't effect the amount of maintenance the dad has to pay.
If he was on benefits he has to pay £7 per week

Motoko · 17/04/2019 21:04

They only care if you are on benefits and they can reduce you benefits by the amount her pays.

No they don't. Your benefits are not affected by maintenance.

OP, when you go to the CMS, tell them that you've tried to work with him, but he's refusing to co-operate.

They can take it from his wages, but I think it has to go through a particular process (maybe court?) before they will do an attachment of earnings. (I think that's what it's called.)

He should certainly be giving you more for her. Did you only ask him for another £10 a week? Perhaps you should have gone in higher, then dropped down to £20, to make it look like you're compromising, and not getting what you want. A bit of psychology.
If you have any idea how much he earns, you can work out what the CMS is likely to ask him for, and tell him that if you have to go through them, he'll pay a lot more, but you're willing to accept £x a week, until it needs reviewing again.

Hecateh · 17/04/2019 22:39

@fluffysocks123 I am so glad that has changed.
Back when I was needing maintenance the CSA as it was then wasn't interested because I earned enough to not need benefits. They were only interested in getting maintenance for those on benefits because it counted as income and benefits could be reduced if maintenance was being paid

MidniteScribbler · 18/04/2019 00:11

How much of a difference to your wages would there be by starting at 8 instead of 6? Is it worth offering to let him drop the 10 if he takes her on Wednesday night?

FluffySocks123 · 18/04/2019 09:09

@Hecateh that's awful!
I mean, the system now still isn't great - it takes forever; the paying parent can find ways around it etc and even if they do start taking money they still charge the parent who gets the money but it sounds a lot better than when you had it

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