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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Sister-in-Law's party

75 replies

Orla0502 · 17/04/2019 15:07

Visiting in-laws' for the holiday.
MiL very upset when we arrived as she had invited DH's brother to come over to have a BBQ but it turns out SiL is having a party to which she is not invited.
DH goes out with brother for a drink and he extends an invitation to us for SiL's birthday. I text SiL as I had a bad feeling. She did not know that DH and I had been invited but said that she is more than happy. I commented that the kids will be happy to see her two. BUT it turns out that our kids are not invited, while her kids will be there no other kids are invited as she feels that her kids will become hyper! She suggests out mutual in-laws can babysit as we are staying in their house.
I am a bit miffed if I am honest. DH is embarrassed and MiL flat out refuses to babysit as she won't enable bad manners.
Now DH has said he would like to pop over for an hour and I could go as well when he comes back.
Don't know who I am more pissed off with and want to pack up and go home.
Any comments?

OP posts:

thecatsthecats · 17/04/2019 16:17

If you are invited to stay with someone, you don’t bugger off to a party that they are not invited too.

I would slightly push back on this, because it's very typical where I'm from. I'm from the Lake District, and all of my friends who scattered like beads when we grew up are back for the Easter weekend. I will mostly be with my family over the weekend, but also will be seeing friends. Also enables them to get on with their lives instead of being dragged around the fells by me! Not the case in these circumstances, but I don't think it's generally rude to have other plans when visiting someone!

Everything else about the OP though - nah. Especially the whinge about visiting the person she is... visiting.

MargoLovebutter · 17/04/2019 16:17

Orla your MIL invited you to a BBQ before you were ever invited to your SIL's party. In fact your SIL didn't invite you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Her husband did without her knowing.

It is so mean and rude to all bail on your MIL because a better invite has come in and then to add insult to injury you want her to do you a favour by babysitting.

Your Mum must be an absolute saint, if she'd be prepared to do that. My mother would have told me to sling my hook, along with many other choice words about my rudeness and lack of consideration for her prior invitation.

SeamstressfromTreacleMineRoad · 17/04/2019 16:27

I know that MILs tend to never be right here on MN, but I'm with your MIL on this, and I don't think that she's being OTT at all.
If my DS and family had come to stay with me for the weekend (implying that you live a distance away and therefore don't see her that often) and I'd planned a BBQ with them - I too would be less than impressed if they turned up, announced that they were going to a party and wanted me to look after the DGC so that they could 'go out and enjoy themselves'..!!
You, your DH and your DC need to stick to the invitation that you accepted first - from your MIL.

If there isn't going to be a BBQ, then take her out for a meal - it doesn't have to be expensive - or order a takeaway, and give her what she's been looking forward to -- the pleasure of your company.

Quartz2208 · 17/04/2019 16:28

Your DH and MiL your poor sil is having a party

HBStowe · 17/04/2019 16:31

Definitely don’t go to SILs birthday. If PIL are hosting you you can’t ditch them for a party they aren’t invited to. Although I don’t really see anything wrong with them not being invited to SIL’s birthday tbh so MIL is being a bit U to be annoyed about that. Your DH is also being U to go when he has a prior commitment.

Holidayshopping · 17/04/2019 16:38

Your sister in law is having a party. It sounds like it’s for friends not family as you weren’t invited.

I don’t think either of you should go-your DH is the one being unreasonable.

Petalflowers · 17/04/2019 16:43

You should stay with mil as she invited you first. Silas invite was second. It’s a bit rude to swan of to sil bbq, when mil has already said she is doing one.

MRex · 17/04/2019 16:43

MIL is unreasonable to exist to go to SIL's party. If it were my MIL she'd offer to take all the kids so we could party and host the BBQ for all of us the following night, when she'd want photos and stories. Because it wouldn't be remotely practical for her to have the kids together then depending on how far it was we'd probably come home if one woke up or split up the time with DH and I going separately, then BBQ for everyone the next day.

SIL is fine, she just wants an adult party.

Your DH is being a bit selfish, but actually he'd fit in fine with my plan, it's only because MIL and you aren't happy that there's an issue. At which point the polite thing would be for him to stay with MIL until 10pm for dinner, then go to the party afterwards.

You're being unreasonable when it's a visit to the in laws to not let DH decide how to prioritise the time. We need to travel to see my family, so we don't see them as much, so DH always lets me decide the schedule for my family and I just make sure time in the schedule for things he enjoys. Could you suggest solutions to MIL to see if you can jog her out of her mood.

MadameDD · 17/04/2019 16:53

Even reading this briefly this sounds like way more drama then I'd entertain.

SIL should've arranged her party before MIL's BBQ and your kids should be invited - sod them getting over excited - I can't believe your kids would be that badly behaved with their cousins.

Tinkety · 17/04/2019 16:55

I actually don’t think MIL is annoyed at not being invited to the party & is just using that as an excuse. Any other other weekend & I don’t think it would have been a problem.

I think the real problem is that she’s left inviting everyone to her BBQ to the last minute & is now annoyed that BIL & SIL are having their own event so she has to cancel hers.

Putthatlampshadeonyourhead · 17/04/2019 17:01

Jesus you all sound bat shit.

Apart from the sil.

Here is an idea. You go to the party, leave dh with the kids and mil.

Or is weird since it's a party for sil and her friends and you werent actually invited by her. And you tried inviting your kids on top of that.

No wonder she didnt invite mil. It's one of those families where you cant do buggar all without inviting your spouses family.

And honestly, it doesnt matter wether your 'mammy' would be happy it not. Cause this is mil not your 'mammy'.

Putthatlampshadeonyourhead · 17/04/2019 17:03

SIL should've arranged her party before MIL's BBQ and your kids should be invited - sod them getting over excited - I can't believe your kids would be that badly behaved with their cousins.

She did. OP says mil invited them to her bbq and was told sil was having a party. So sils party was planned

And if she doesnt want other peoples kids there, that's up to them. The sil didnt even invite OP and her dh.

Crazycrazylady · 17/04/2019 17:05

Honestly what a storm in a teacup. We often have parties for our friends and we don't invite my elderly parents as it's a completely different dynamic. My sister travels down to visit once every 6 weeks or so and i found out her visit coincided I would extend the invite to her. My mother would completely understand..

Bluntness100 · 17/04/2019 17:19

To be fair in this scenario, I'd be very happy to baby sit and have the bbq another time and spend the time with the grandkids, and let the op and her husband go to the party.

The issue is they all want to go to thr party and not one of them wants to have a bbq together. That's why they are all arguing.

The mother in law would rather go to the party than host a bbq for her son and the op. She's been very clear on that, she wants to go. The op and her husband are also pissed off because they both would prefer to go to thr party than stay and have a bbq with the mother in law.

Happy families 🤣

Purpleartichoke · 17/04/2019 17:31

You are in town visiting and BILs family isn’t bothering to spend any time with your family? Are they planning to get the cousins together at all? That is extremely odd.

Margot33 · 17/04/2019 17:46

I wouldnt go. I'd have a bbq at mil's house.

BingandFlop2019 · 17/04/2019 17:53

Mammy?!?

BackforGood · 17/04/2019 18:13

If you are invited to stay with someone, you don’t bugger off to a party that they are not invited too.

This isn't necessarily true for all things though. Of course you don't, if someone invites you to their house specifically for a weekend, but it sounds like OP is there longer than that (On Wednesday, has put "visiting in-laws 'for the holiday'" from which I would infer is likely to be at least 5 or 6 days, maybe longer).
Now, I grew up with Grandparents 4 hours away. We would go and stay for 5 days or so at a time in school holidays. During that time, if my Mum and Dad had been invited out be local friends or family, my Grandparents would have said of course they should go. They came "home" to spend time with their Mum and Dad, yes, but that doesn't have to be 24/7. It is also a chance to spend time with others that still live where they grew up.
MiL is creating a drama where there doesn't need to be one.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 17/04/2019 19:43

My mammy would not react like this . She would have babysat and have wanted us to have a good time. I can’t believe that MiL is stopping me from having a good time.

I’m afraid you went rapidly down in my estimation with this post. You had the sense to check whether your SIL really wanted you at the party - but you don’t have the sense to realise that expecting your MIL to babysit when you know she’s upset at not being invited to said party is insensitive? It doesn’t matter whether she ‘should’ be upset about it; the fact is that she IS upset.

Your SIL obviously hadn’t planned on this being a family party and she’s probably fuming at her husband for dropping her in it. You should have taken the hint that she doesn’t really wanted you there.

ReanimatedSGB · 17/04/2019 22:37

The one I'm sorry for is the SIL. She probably thought she had a chance of an enjoyable birthday party without having to invite her whiny cunty MIL as you and your H were there this weekend to keep MIL occupied. Now, because of your idiot H and his equally idiotic brother, poor SIL has her birthday party potentially kippered by her BIL inviting himself, his wife and their DC and enraging MIL even more. SIL probably has more than enough of MIL's attention-seeking and muscling in as it is and now she's never going to hear the end of this one.

Holidayshopping · 17/04/2019 22:48

But this is family. My mammy would not react like this . She would have babysat and have wanted us to have a good time. I can’t believe that MiL is stopping me from having a good time.

Sorry but this makes you sound about 14. If it’s all about ‘family’, why should your MiL babysit? Surely she should be at the party?!

MidniteScribbler · 18/04/2019 00:19

I can’t believe that MiL is stopping me from having a good time.

Are you five?

fargo123 · 18/04/2019 00:44

My mammy would not react like this... I can’t believe that MiL is stopping me from having a good time

This has to be one of the most childish sentences I've ever read. Are you actually old enough to be married? If your "mammy" 🙄 wouldn't stop you from having a good time, then go and stay with her instead.

Blowing off your already existing plans with MIL because another offer came along, is the height of rudeness.

PregnantSea · 18/04/2019 11:36

This whole situation is awkward as feck for you, good grief! I agree with people who are saying stay out of it. I would say you aren't going to SIL's because the DC aren't settled/not feeling well or something, so you're not causing offence or seen to be choosing sides, and then just stay with MIL and have a quiet glass of wine and talk about something else. I know it sounds a bit boring but it's the only way to stay "clean" in this situation.

Or just go to the party and get pissed and have a laugh. But this will not go down well with MIL so on your own head be it...

HotSauceCommittee · 18/04/2019 11:45

You both had a prior social engagement with MIL. Now you’ve had a “better offer”. If you don’t get to see her that often, it would be so hurtful to her to even hint that you want to go to a member of the families party to which she hasn’t even invited.
You and DH need to remember your manners, put on your best smiles and try to make the most of your time with MIL. I bet she’s smarting, the poor thing. Does she even want you there for the remainder of the time now you’ve made it clear you don’t want to be?

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