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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sister-in-Law's party

75 replies

Orla0502 · 17/04/2019 15:07

Visiting in-laws' for the holiday.
MiL very upset when we arrived as she had invited DH's brother to come over to have a BBQ but it turns out SiL is having a party to which she is not invited.
DH goes out with brother for a drink and he extends an invitation to us for SiL's birthday. I text SiL as I had a bad feeling. She did not know that DH and I had been invited but said that she is more than happy. I commented that the kids will be happy to see her two. BUT it turns out that our kids are not invited, while her kids will be there no other kids are invited as she feels that her kids will become hyper! She suggests out mutual in-laws can babysit as we are staying in their house.
I am a bit miffed if I am honest. DH is embarrassed and MiL flat out refuses to babysit as she won't enable bad manners.
Now DH has said he would like to pop over for an hour and I could go as well when he comes back.
Don't know who I am more pissed off with and want to pack up and go home.
Any comments?

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 17/04/2019 15:52

If your SIL was having a family BBQ you may well all have received an invitation

Exactly. It's clearly not that kind of event. She wants it adult focused with her friends. Likely a relatively small gathering. Which is entirely normal and acceptable.

PyongyangKipperbang · 17/04/2019 15:53

Well I would be pissed off with DH thinking he can just go and leave you behind... pop in for an hour my arse, he will be gone all night.

I would also be pissed off with him for binning off MILs BBQ for a better off from BIL, that's beyond rude.

MIL needs to wind her neck in about the invitation, some parties are family oriented, some are more about friends and she needs to understand that.

Personally I think I would go home but leave selfish DH behind.

Peakypolly · 17/04/2019 15:55

If you're supposed to be having a bbq at your mil's then that is what you should do. Bugger the sil's birthday gathering.

I can’t understand why anyone disagrees with ^
If you are invited to stay with someone, you don’t bugger off to a party that they are not invited too.

Erksum · 17/04/2019 15:55

Why should the dh go and op stay with his dps? Sil hasn't been a cf in stating no more dc, or mil!! But dh is a cf of he thinks he gets to party while you stay behind with his lemon sucking dm!!

Sometimes I like to take a hit for the team for my husband just as he does for me. I can see it might be really nice for the OPs DH to get a chance to hang out with his brother at a party whereas it might not be such a big deal for the OP. It depends on their relationship and how they like to do things.

BoneyBackJefferson · 17/04/2019 15:55

IncrediblySadToo
It seems a bit shite to invite you guys and not your MIL when you’re staying with her

They weren't invited, the OP's DH got an invite for them.

The SiL has every right to have a party without her MiL, the OP's DH shouldn't be stirring up so much shit.

Richmond1972 · 17/04/2019 15:56

i can fully see it from everyones point of view - "party with her friends, no parents" and its fine.

however i wouldnt do that as it seems a bit mean to leave MIL out. especially as she invited them to something at the same time. To then say no thanks but take her guests seems a bit mean

Original poster
Orla0502 · 17/04/2019 15:56

I agree that MiL is out of order. I agree that my assumption about my kids is out of order I just assumed because their kids would be there. The BBQ isn’t being planned now because the others can’t come.. I agreed that you don’t make plans while staying with someone else But this is family. My mammy would not react like this . She would have babysat and have wanted us to have a good time. I can’t believe that MiL is stopping me from having a good time. My DH’s cousins are going to party so I think if we had lived nearer we would have been invited. My DH swears that he didn’t tell his brother that their mam is annoyed.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 17/04/2019 15:57

And I can understand what she means about the children, too. If children are surrounded by adults they tend to behave themselves. If there are other children there they tend to run around and make a noise. That's not the sort of party your SIL wants.

Bluntness100 · 17/04/2019 15:59

I'd agree, knowing how his mother felt, the husband should have politely declined the invite, and said, thanks but best stay with mum and the family, have a brilliant time though.

Honestly op, it's like none of you ever get invited anywhere. You're all arguing because you all want to go and none of you want to have a bbq together.

ReanimatedSGB · 17/04/2019 15:59

SIL probably doesn't want you or your H there either - it's her birthday party for her mates! Presumably she is the wife of your H's brother, rather than H's sister. And as it is her birthday party, there's no particular obligation on her to have her H's brother there, let alone her H's entire family (if it was BIL's birthday, it might be a different matter).

BoneyBackJefferson · 17/04/2019 16:00

Orla0502

DH is embarrassed

He is playing the victim.
He has seen a way to make his Mother more annoyed (even if she is wrong) than she already is, whilst making your SiL (possibly your BiL as well) look bad.

He is a massive anus.

BoneyBackJefferson · 17/04/2019 16:01

Orla0502

I can’t believe that MiL is stopping me from having a good time

Wow he has managed to get you even more annoyed at your MiL.

He is very practiced at this.

aske · 17/04/2019 16:02

Agreed that it's normal for your SIL to want a party without parents, and without children... It's her birthday, and the plans seem to have been set a while ago. I bet this isn't easy for her either. Maybe MIL has a way of intruding in your SIL's life and SIL is just trying to establish some boundaries. Don't do anything that puts you on either side of whatever is going on here.

So I wouldn't pay attention to MIL, and would decide between you and DH which one of you (if anyone!) feels like going to SIL's. The other stays home for a lovely BBQ with MIL and kids. MIL might just change her mind so that you can all have a nice time. (My MIL would never pass an opportunity to spend a few hours alone with her grandchildren!)

Northernlass99 · 17/04/2019 16:02

This happens in my family too!

What your SIL is up and who she invites is of no concern. You had plans and your DH has complicated things.

Everyone stick with the original plan - BBQ at in-laws for you, DH and your kids. Simples.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 17/04/2019 16:04

I think your sister in law is entitled to invite who she wants to her party.

I think it would be rude for you or your husband to leave your children with his mother whilst you go to the party, unless his mother explicitly offers. You've come to stay with her, not your sister in law.

It would be better if you, your husband, mother in law and kids planned something nice to do together Smile

LazyLizzy · 17/04/2019 16:06

If you are invited to stay with someone, you don’t bugger off to a party that they are not invited too.

Agree with this. Irrelevant of how they are related.

RomanyQueen1 · 17/04/2019 16:07

stay with mil and the kids, tell dh he's needed for the barbecue and his balls will be roasted if he thinks of going.

Chickychoccyegg · 17/04/2019 16:07

this is your dh's fault for trying to get himself invited to a party that the host doesnt want him at
you're visiting mil, you should all just stay there and visit instead of seeing what better offer you can get, and people are allowed to have parties without their family members fgs!

DisplayPurposesOnly · 17/04/2019 16:08

I can’t believe that MiL is stopping me from having a good time

I can't believe how rude you are!

aske · 17/04/2019 16:08

Sorry OP, didn't see your latest reply... No BBQ then, just a nice time if your MIL can manage not to mope.

I don't agree with not going to someone else's party while you're on a family visit at MIL's... I think it's quite healthy to be able to do things independently even if you're staying with the in-laws. Especially if you've been invited to spend some time with other members of the family. Not everyone needs to be there all the time. You all need space, and MIL sounds vindictive.

MargoLovebutter · 17/04/2019 16:10

There's a whole lot of nonsense going on here!!!!!

You, your DH and your DC were invited to your MIL's for the weekend and to a BBQ.

Your SIL is having her own birthday party.

Your BIL extends an invite to his wife's party but without consulting her (as she doesn't know he'd invited you)!!!!

Your MIL has the hump because she hasn't been invited.

You have the hump because your DC haven't been invited.

Bloody hell, your poor SIL. Just leave her in peace to have her own birthday party with her mates & do the family celebration some other time with her.

You all crack on and enjoy the BBQ that you were all originally invited to. Tell your DH to leave well alone and that he should catch up with his DB some other time and not at SIL's party and that it is rude to ditch the BBQ that he was originally invited to by his own DM.

Bluntness100 · 17/04/2019 16:11

I can’t believe that MiL is stopping me from having a good time

Oh dear.

Op, you came to visit her. You can't just dump her and go to a party she's not invited to. It's the height or rudeness.

AryaStarkWolf · 17/04/2019 16:11

I can’t believe that MiL is stopping me from having a good time

This should read :

I can't believe DH is thinking of going out having a good time and leaving me with his DM

AWishForWingsThatWork · 17/04/2019 16:11

You SIL hasn't done anything wrong: she's having a celebration with her friends, and she invited you and your DH, adults, to join in if you want to since you're in the area (and DH's brother invited you).

MIL is shit-stirring. She wasn't invited. She doesn't have to be invited to everything. I wouldn't necessarily invite my mother to a party with my friends. Different dynamic.

thefinn · 17/04/2019 16:12

I would stay with Mil and plan something else. Do you get on with her usually?