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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Being used by social climbers?

44 replies

dayswithaY · 17/04/2019 15:02

Just a feeling I've had lately. We are friends with Couple A, v nice people. We are long term very close friends with Couple B. They don't live locally, they are rich but don't flaunt it, they have an interesting life and are good fun. Couple A met them once. They found out Couple B are visiting relatives nearby and we will be meeting them. We had a longstanding date to see Couple A around this time. I have since had texts and phone calls from Couple A about how it's really cool if we want to invite Couple B along, they don't mind, it would be great to see them, will you ask them, it would be nice for you too as you get to spend more time with them etc.

I said "yes of course" but really I'm not too keen on ringing them up and specifically asking them to come along when I don't know their plans and we are spending time with them and their extended family (ie, without Couple A). Normally I'm very laid back about making arrangements and would think the more the merrier. But Couple A just sounded so eager and really ramped up the intensity. I started to wonder are they trying to get in with Couple B and just using us as their way in. Or am I overthinking and they just want a fun night?

I seem to attract this. I have a friend who owns a well known local business. I have known her since my teens. A woman I made friends with through my children's school found out we were friends. Always asking me about her, endless questions, let's meet up. In the end we did all meet and she gushed all over her and afterwards was trying to set up more meetings through me. I shut down a bit and started saying "She's fine" when the endless questions and "How 's X?" started again. If I mentioned I had met up with X (alone) she sulked. When she realised I wasn't going to continually arrange dinners out and coffee for the three of us she dropped me like a sack of spuds.

So, is this just a normal way of social climbing, does everyone do this and I'm just weird or is it just rude? I'm confused by people sometimes. Can't anyone just be straightforward?

OP posts:
iwantavuvezela · 17/04/2019 15:09

I think if Coupe A are as you say very nice people, then I would say that they liked your friends (couple B) , and are just keen to see them again. These are friends of yours (couple A, you have an arrangment to see them already) so it's not like its someone you hardly know asking this of you.

iwantavuvezela · 17/04/2019 15:10

Surely if couple a were "social climbers" this would have been evident to you by now?

helpagirlout1 · 17/04/2019 15:12

Is arrange it and see what happens.

You’ll very quickly work out if they’re only after a friendship because they are rich

Bluntness100 · 17/04/2019 15:12

I'd have just thought they were thinking the more the merrier, and trying to extend their social circle.

Original poster
dayswithaY · 17/04/2019 15:16

I am sure you are right, there just seemed to be an intensity to the conversation, lots of asking. I guess I've been burned before so I'm easily suspicious.

OP posts:
profumoaffair · 17/04/2019 15:19

I know exactly what you are talking about, op. I have a friend (A) whose partner used to be in a v well known band. I mentioned this in passing to another friend (B), and sure enough, the very next day B sent A (whom she had actually known through me for some time) a Facebook friend request. The famous boyfriend having evidently provided the necessary impetus

EssentialHummus · 17/04/2019 15:22

Are you sure they know about their wealth? If someone was socially anxious, for example, they might like a “more the merrier” approach so they didn’t feel the pressure on them iyswim.

Original poster
dayswithaY · 17/04/2019 15:26

They know they have money, they asked lots of questions last time and have asked me questions about them since.

OP posts:
CherylCheshire · 17/04/2019 15:37

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ShinyShoe · 17/04/2019 15:42

You’re not a dating service OP! Say no! What benefit does any of this have to you? They are obviously social climbers and I’d stamp it out now before it escalates. I attract these types too and I’ve been burnt before so I don’t do “friend dating” services anymore!

mando12345 · 17/04/2019 15:52

I don't really see any benefit for couple a to be friendly with couple b other than the pleasure of their company.

Rowenaravenclawsdiadem · 17/04/2019 15:58

I have a very close friend who is married to someone well known who was in the papers a long time ago for doing something naughty.

Jesus the people I had coming out of the woodwork to casually ask questions was unbelievable.

It’s funny as well that of all my friends and their husbands he is the only husband anyone ever asks about.

Original poster
dayswithaY · 17/04/2019 15:58

That's how I was feeling Shamu - like an introductions agent - can't be arsed with it all and if I don't facilitate this meet- up will they be disappointed that it's just us and we haven't brought the new sparkly people along. I 'm feeling the pressure now!

OP posts:
Richmond1972 · 17/04/2019 15:59

i dont like to mix social groups. i just have never found good to come of it and usually people start feeling pushed out or sulking when theyre not invited. plus most of my friends are from different groups so we have different conversations (kids / work / uni / sports) etc.

Ragwort · 17/04/2019 16:05

I think Couple A sound really rude and cheeky, fine to say ‘I did enjoy meeting your friends, lovely people’ but most normal people would just leave it at that.
If Couple B are visiting the area they probably already have lots of family and friends they want to catch up with.
I would just ignore it and if they push it say something vague like you are not sure what Couple B’s plans are.
Also presumably you would prefer to see Couple B on your own as you don’t meet up very often? I agree with a PP, I really avoid ‘mixing’ groups of friends.

Original poster
dayswithaY · 17/04/2019 16:05

I am kind of feeling like - if we are not fun enough without the other people then forget it. I'm also thinking "get your own bloody friends" but fighting against that as I'm aware just how childish and pathetic that sounds.

OP posts:
Hobbesmanc · 17/04/2019 16:06

Hey welcome back 1930s!

What exactly is a social climber? It seems that you are obviously keen to tell us how wonderful your social circle is- well off, business people etc etc. I'm not sure who is the real arriviste.....

Oooh I'm channeling Downton this afternoon.

Ragwort · 17/04/2019 16:15

That’s not very kind Hobbes Hmm

Original poster
dayswithaY · 17/04/2019 16:17

I don't know what social climbing is specifically but I couldn't think of any other way to describe it. I don't believe I have boasted about my friends at all, just had to give a brief background or it wouldn't make sense. I don't know what arriviste means but I suspect it's an insult. I have no interest in money, status etc. I have known the friends I used as the two examples in my post for over 20 years in very different circumstances. Why would I want to impress people on an anonymous forum?

OP posts:
Happy0952 · 17/04/2019 16:28

If couple b wanted to meet a they'd have asked.

Have couple a ever asked to meet any of your other friends?

Your are correct about your instinct. Ignore the vipers on here.

mando12345 · 17/04/2019 16:34

I don't think it is social climbing actually, I think it is just had manners. They obviously like couple b but are actually being rude by pushing for an invite, I would be cross too at their bad manners.
Social climbing to me is wanting to be friends with people specifically because they are in a higher social class, not because they are rich.

EvaHarknessRose · 17/04/2019 16:43

I think lots of people social climb. I too would avoid facilitating if they seem too keen. Maybe if they drop it, then you could invite them all together at a suitable time if you wish to.

Original poster
dayswithaY · 17/04/2019 16:43

Thank you all. No they have never pushed for an invite with anyone else. Sometimes things just feel off.

OP posts:
Holidayshopping · 17/04/2019 16:47

They sound annoying actually! I would say ‘Ah, no-we’ve already made separate plans with B, sorry. Looking forward to seeing you though!’

caperplips · 17/04/2019 16:58

I understand where you are coming from. Unfortunately we have someone like this in our extended social circle. Always clambouring to get to anyone she perceives as 'important' or 'connected' It used to make me laugh as I was 100% thoroughly used by her to get to someone else I know who is very well known in certain circles. Once she achieved her aim, I was dropped like a hot potato! Now it irritates me as it is SO grating and I avoid where I can, not always possible as we have overlapping social circles (thanks to her hard work Hmm

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