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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Being used by social climbers?

44 replies

dayswithaY · 17/04/2019 15:02

Just a feeling I've had lately. We are friends with Couple A, v nice people. We are long term very close friends with Couple B. They don't live locally, they are rich but don't flaunt it, they have an interesting life and are good fun. Couple A met them once. They found out Couple B are visiting relatives nearby and we will be meeting them. We had a longstanding date to see Couple A around this time. I have since had texts and phone calls from Couple A about how it's really cool if we want to invite Couple B along, they don't mind, it would be great to see them, will you ask them, it would be nice for you too as you get to spend more time with them etc.

I said "yes of course" but really I'm not too keen on ringing them up and specifically asking them to come along when I don't know their plans and we are spending time with them and their extended family (ie, without Couple A). Normally I'm very laid back about making arrangements and would think the more the merrier. But Couple A just sounded so eager and really ramped up the intensity. I started to wonder are they trying to get in with Couple B and just using us as their way in. Or am I overthinking and they just want a fun night?

I seem to attract this. I have a friend who owns a well known local business. I have known her since my teens. A woman I made friends with through my children's school found out we were friends. Always asking me about her, endless questions, let's meet up. In the end we did all meet and she gushed all over her and afterwards was trying to set up more meetings through me. I shut down a bit and started saying "She's fine" when the endless questions and "How 's X?" started again. If I mentioned I had met up with X (alone) she sulked. When she realised I wasn't going to continually arrange dinners out and coffee for the three of us she dropped me like a sack of spuds.

So, is this just a normal way of social climbing, does everyone do this and I'm just weird or is it just rude? I'm confused by people sometimes. Can't anyone just be straightforward?

OP posts:

northerngirl2012 · 17/04/2019 17:04

If it doesn’t feel right, then it probably isn’t.

OffToBedhampton · 17/04/2019 17:08

You don't have to bring Couple B along. Really Couple A are your friends and should be happy to see you & DH on your own. They may have got on well with couple B but unless both are asking about each other and wanting to meet up, then this sounds a one way thing you'd be better staying out of. Couple B are visiting their family and invited you to pop in.

OffToBedhampton · 17/04/2019 17:11

They sound annoying actually! I would say ‘Ah, no-we’ve already made separate plans with B, sorry. Looking forward to seeing you though!’

^^this
Unless both couples were saying mutually they were keen to meet up again , I think it's weird couple A are pushing and asking so many questions. You don't have to answer those questions and can be vague.

Katisha · 17/04/2019 17:55

If i was Couple B I wouldn't want a family/close friends thing turned into a bigger party. I have a friend who takes the more the merrier approach and I hate it when she turns up to something we'd arranged with people I dont really know.

Also agree that if it feels off then it probably is. Leave it this time at least.

HBStowe · 17/04/2019 20:02

I love bringing different groups of friends together. I don’t really see how couple A stand to benefit from being friends with couple B unless couple B is giving out party bags or something so I would be inclined just to see this as couple A envisaging a nice big jolly party with people they met before and got on with.

OffToBedhampton · 18/04/2019 00:34

I'm all understanding OP as sometimes people do this. And it is social climbing even if not intended & opportunistic. But it's embarrassing.

If B & A were keen to meet up BOTH would say , as it's only one and it feels awks, I think OP ought go vague ,😁

PlasmaRain · 18/04/2019 01:26

Trust your instincts OP, we have a fairly famous friend and we keep it to ourselves mostly when we’re meeting up with him because we’ve had exactly the same reaction from some who’ve found out and think we’re their ‘in’. We’ve had heavy-handed hints dropped about inviting our friend for drinks or dinner with them, then the suggestions about getting them on guestlists at shows or obtaining backstage passes. Nope, ain’t happening.

qwertyskirty · 18/04/2019 01:38

Your instinct are correct OP. I am accidentally friends with a few very well known people (not sure why as I don't even live in a city and also find the whole celeb thing irritating). People's eyes seem to light up a bit and they engineer ways to get me to talk about these friends over any other friends I have. It's dull and annoying as fuck. I think I would only organise this if BOTH couples were keen to see each other again (ha - guessing that's unlikely).
It's unappealing. I want friends who can come over and relax with me and be equally interested in my life and worries as they would anyone else.

Moorfields · 18/04/2019 03:46

I'd just start putting some distance between friend A & myself. I'd cancel your plans this time due to 'unseen circumstances' & not make myself so available. I'd also divert their calls straight to voicemail & take time answering their texts.

LonelyTiredandLow · 18/04/2019 03:51

I find the term interesting in itself. I knew someone who was obsessed that people she knew were social climbers.

She was a rather bog standard lady herself and if anything was the one doing it do others - a local developer in particular who was much hated by the general community. She was sure everyone wanted them as their very own bff's. No one did and it was just a way of stealth boasting about having seen their 'amazing kitchen' etc.

Maybe you are over thinking. I'd not go out of my way to arrange an adult playdate though.

LonelyTiredandLow · 18/04/2019 03:56

@HBStowe I'm with you. Keeping friends separate deliberately is an odd concept to me. I always feel I'm not playing some kind of 'game' when these conversations come up though.

SandyY2K · 18/04/2019 04:07

I'd get irritated if this happened and due to my lack of patience in these situations...I'd soon start pulling back from couple A.

Very politely.. with

Sorry..got a lot on.

DC has a show
Or need to see my DM.
Any excuse until they stopped it.

Original poster

dayswithaY · 18/04/2019 07:43

That's what I'm going to do. DH is mightily pissed off and says he doesn't want to meet them now as they've made it so obvious they want the other couple there. He thinks it will just be awkward now and I agree. Texting and a phone call to get me to invite them? No thanks.

OP posts:

OrangeCinnamon · 18/04/2019 07:55

Friendships should be natural OP and they should evolve so I think you're doing the right thing.

Do you have group parties/bbq etc I find these less pressure than couples getti g together

SimonJT · 18/04/2019 08:12

It’s just a lack of basic manners, ex/FWB is quite famous, we share the same social group so friends are never a problem being rude. But I have had people at work (who I have never met!) emailing asking for free tickets to various gigs etc, not only are they rude but they’re freeloaders as well.

OP I would suggest to couple A that if could B wanted them around they would have invited them themselves.

GregoryPeckingDuck · 18/04/2019 08:15

Are you leaving out some important detail? Are couple b the cloonies or something?

LongTermHold · 18/04/2019 08:18

Relax a bit. Couple A still want to be friends with you. They like Couple B. So what?

DH and I introduced several of our friends to each other. They now all ski/weekend in a big group (mainly without us). They are all a lot of fun, and I love that they all have is in common.

I think it speaks well if you can facilitate other people’s friendships - it’s a nice thing to do. It’s all about feeling secure in yourself tho.

Original poster

dayswithaY · 18/04/2019 08:18

Agree thank you all. To clarify, Couple B are not celebs but they do have an interesting/bohemian life, lots of money. DH and I are not rich. Lots of people ask me about them all the time, don't know why but people find them fascinating. We have known them for years, since we were all very young. Couple A we have known for much less time.

OP posts:

stanski · 18/04/2019 08:30

This has happened to me. Long standing friendship with A who is a very interesting character, and who's parent is famous; I'm friends with the parent as well on FB, as is A with my (non famous) parent, as we all know each other and get along well. A few years ago had a few other friends having spotted FB asked me how I knew famous parent and when I would introduce them?! I just said never. Not my place. Cut it straight away and they got the message. Still friends with all of them.

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