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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or doing something wrong - so sick of the drudgery

41 replies

coffeecoffeecarbs · 17/04/2019 14:01

I am a SAHM to a 18 month old (not entirely by choice) and I realised today that I have lost so many friends since I became a Mum. I really don't recognise who I am anymore. Since the sun has started shining I feel increasingly down about not having a job or a social life and I wondered if this is normal for people in my situation? How do I get myself back?

We are fairly new to the area we live in and I feel like I talk to no one except my child and my husband. I used to have so much going for me and I honestly feel like a part of me has died.

Sorry to be so depressing! Its good to just write it down

OP posts:
GooodGolly · 17/04/2019 14:05

How old is your little one? Can you find out if there are any baby/toddler groups you could go to?

Original poster
coffeecoffeecarbs · 17/04/2019 14:09

Good Golly he is 18 months old. Believe me I go to all the groups, I just feel so disconnected and bored of the baby chat

OP posts:
MynameisJune · 17/04/2019 14:11

What about looking for part time work and sending your son to nursery or a child minder. I am not cut out to be a stay at home mum so I work 3 days a week. It’s a good balance for us, I get family time and adult time.

candycane222 · 17/04/2019 14:13

Honestly I 'd look into getting back to work. Even if it doesn't leave the family any bwtter off to begin with, hopefully you can build up to making a profit when the dc begins pre-school, and you will have your own life with things to think about and people to talk to outside of the home.

Being a full-time sahm is not for everyone. It would have driven me nuts, certainly.

thecatsthecats · 17/04/2019 14:24

I honestly think there's a massive missed market for non-"mumsy" parent groups. Kid friendly, and kid appropriate, but aimed at parents who actually don't want to coo over potty achievements and just want to talk about grown up stuff.

Like Fight Club but with a creche.

LannieDuck · 17/04/2019 14:24

If you're a SAHM not by choice, what's the barrier to getting a job?

Kitsandkids · 17/04/2019 14:25

But surely if you go to groups you talk to other adults? My daughter is 22 months and we go to something every week day. I’m quite shy but I’ve made good friends with some of the other mums - and we talk about all sorts of things.

Putthatlampshadeonyourhead · 17/04/2019 14:26

Why not look at getting back to work.

Even if, as a family, it doesnt bring in more money after childcare. It's worth to help make you feel better.

Original poster
coffeecoffeecarbs · 17/04/2019 14:27

Basically we moved to a new area and I can't find a nursery with spaces and we have no help nearby. Everything seems on hold until I can find the childcare and then when you work it out its so expensive. I think I would basically be working for nothing - is this generally the case? My husband works very long hours so essentially I would always be the person picking up/dropping off. I feel like I have sacrificed so much of me but his career carries on as usual!

OP posts:
Original poster
coffeecoffeecarbs · 17/04/2019 14:28

thecatsthecats I totally agree!

OP posts:
Putthatlampshadeonyourhead · 17/04/2019 14:30

Yes, lots of people work but dont gain anything while the kids are young.

I have done it twice. It kept my career on track. Which I was grateful for when we divorced.

Childminders? There will be some care facilities available

SoyDora · 17/04/2019 14:30

I honestly think there's a massive missed market for non-"mumsy" parent groups. Kid friendly, and kid appropriate, but aimed at parents who actually don't want to coo over potty achievements and just want to talk about grown up stuff

To be honest that describes all the groups I go to. I haven’t been to one where everyone just talks babies and coos over potty achievements! We talk about a variety of subjects.

Agree that getting back to work would be a good idea, even if you just break even to start with.

Topseyt · 17/04/2019 14:31

I think that this is why many people go back to work around this age. I did with my first.

I only became a SAHM after my second was born (followed by third) because childcare costs then came to far more than I could earn, meaning I couldn't afford to go back at that point.

cheeserolls · 17/04/2019 14:36

I totally get this. I think 18mths is hard as there is still such a long way to school / more independence for all but you are away from the novelty element of baby.

Understand the childcare issues locally. So if you are just doing it for you, can you find a small weekend job to meet people. Eg local tea room or even find a class you really would like to do. Carve out space to be you.
Do it now before the gap closes too much on you know as you.

cheeserolls · 17/04/2019 14:37

I don't mean get a job to meet people as such a black and white statement. More of a get out of house and talk to other adults in the area. Do something of your own

Original poster
coffeecoffeecarbs · 17/04/2019 14:37

Thanks for the messages. I think I am scared to try to go back now as I've lost so much confidence in myself. I worry that as I've had this time off that I won't be attractive to employers!

OP posts:
ScreamScreamIceCream · 17/04/2019 14:37

I think I would basically be working for nothing - is this generally the case?

Unless you are a high earner or have family to help you out it is the situation in plenty of cases.

The years spent working now are the ones that enable you to have a a decent salary when you are in your 50s as you get get promotions/better paid jobs, and a decent pension when you retire. Plus if something goes wrong in your marriage you are left destitute.

ScreamScreamIceCream · 17/04/2019 14:38

I worry that as I've had this time off that I won't be attractive to employers!
Not true.

Loopytiles · 17/04/2019 14:44

Go back to WoH. The costs and benefits need to be considered beyond the short term.

If your H values and respects you, and wishes to be an involved parent, he can make changes to his working life too.

If you SAH, you are personally taking a big financial/economic risk.

Ju5tAgirlstandinginfrontofaboy · 17/04/2019 14:44

I would be there @thecatsthecats 🙋‍♀️

Ohyesiam · 17/04/2019 14:48

I
I honestly think there's a massive missed market for non-"mumsy" parent groups. Kid friendly, and kid appropriate, but aimed at parents who actually don't want to coo over potty achievements and just want to talk about grown up stuff
I found this at a steiner mother and child group ( I m not keen on the rest of steiner stuff, but the young baby bit is great) . Lots of intelligent educated women with good chat.

Disfordarkchocolate · 17/04/2019 14:53

Don't think of your self as working for nothing, the cost of childcare is a joint responsibility and is only payable when both parents are at work not just because you are at work. As soon as you find a nursery or childminder get out there and take back your life.

Putthatlampshadeonyourhead · 17/04/2019 14:59

I worry that as I've had this time off that I won't be attractive to employers!

A gap can be a barrier. But think of it this way, if a couple of years break makes it harder, a five year break isnt going to improve that. Better to get back sooner, rather than later.

Original poster
coffeecoffeecarbs · 17/04/2019 15:03

Thank you for all the advice.

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 17/04/2019 15:19

Like Fight Club but with a creche

Superb!

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