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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or doing something wrong - so sick of the drudgery

41 replies

coffeecoffeecarbs · 17/04/2019 14:01

I am a SAHM to a 18 month old (not entirely by choice) and I realised today that I have lost so many friends since I became a Mum. I really don't recognise who I am anymore. Since the sun has started shining I feel increasingly down about not having a job or a social life and I wondered if this is normal for people in my situation? How do I get myself back?

We are fairly new to the area we live in and I feel like I talk to no one except my child and my husband. I used to have so much going for me and I honestly feel like a part of me has died.

Sorry to be so depressing! Its good to just write it down

OP posts:
CherylCheshire · 17/04/2019 15:23

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HelloSunnyDays · 17/04/2019 15:27

Honestly, the longer you have off, the harder it will be to find a new job, I suspect (which would be fine if you didn't want to work in future, but I sounds like you do).

A lot of people don't make any money from working initially, but the benefit of keeping you career going in the long term shouldn't be understated.

Agree re looking for a childminder - cheaper and likely more available spaces than nursery.

DennisSkinnersMolotov · 17/04/2019 15:40

Another vote for going back to work. I got to 12 months with DS and found I had to go back to work for my own sanity. We'd relocated to be nearer family when he was born and I'd left my job behind. I went back part time at first and to an entry level role. It was a huge step back salary and career-wise, less than £15 a week left over once I'd taken fuel and childcare into account. BUT, it filled that gap on my CV and it saved my mental health. It's not working for nothing if it's helping you emotionally OP.

Richmond1972 · 17/04/2019 16:02

when i had my DC it was earlier than most of my friends. I found I was totally alone. I began toddler groups and then eventually nursery / school friendships formed. I now have a whole new social circle, who i love, and see without my DC. Im not the "old" me anymore and I outgrew those friends (to be fair most made that decision for me when they didnt understand why I couldnt go for dinner at 10pm or go on 2 week girls holidays every summer). im the new me, with my new friends and ive honestly never been happier. we have the same things in common.

Di11y · 17/04/2019 16:04

I'd suggest looking for something regular in the evenings, I joined a book club when my youngest was 1.

LannieDuck · 17/04/2019 20:39

Were you working before having a child?

I suggest that your child is both of your responsibilities (yours and DH's). The childcare costs come half out of his salary and half out of yours, so unless your half eats up your entire salary, it is cost efficient for you to work (assuming that's your choice).

It's also just as much his responsibility to ensure his child can be picked-up/dropped-off as it is yours. Perhaps he should start to look for jobs that have better hours?

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 17/04/2019 20:47

I found “doing something” activities were often better than just toddler groups for conversation as you had a “thing” to talk about other than sleep cycles. So BabyBallet, Kindermusik, Tennis for tots, Fotball tots, Tumble tots etc. If nothing else my “good toes, naughty toes” at 39 weeks with my second child gave us all a good laugh!

Littlechocola · 17/04/2019 20:51

How about ou courses while looking for childcare?

I remember feeling completely lost when mine were little (I had PND). In time I realised that I would never be who I was but could reinvent myself.

Raspberry88 · 17/04/2019 21:03

But surely if you go to groups you talk to other adults? My daughter is 22 months and we go to something every week day. I’m quite shy but I’ve made good friends with some of the other mums - and we talk about all sorts of things.

I haven't found this at all. I get out to everything I can but DS is a handful and I can't take my eyes of him. As soon as I start a conversation with someone nice he tears across the room and bumps into something or empties some craft supplies or just decides that he's had enough and wants to go outside. I haven't met anyone at all.
I'm in almost the exact same situation as you OP. 17 month old, I was made redundant on maternity leave and we soon after made the decision to move somewhere that we don't know anyone! I'm afraid I can't really help you at all other than to offer solidary and agree that yes, there is no better way to describe it than drudgery a lot of the time! I agree that the best thing may well be to go back to work but it's not possible for us at the moment either. I just try to get out as much as possible and spend a lot of time looking at the ducks to pass the time!

Like Fight Club but with a creche

Sounds incredible. God, I wish more toddler groups were held in the pub!

Mrsducky88 · 17/04/2019 21:11

I have met some great people and made good friends by starting my own group up. I’ve done it as a buggy and sling walk, then we finish at a pub for coffee/lunch. It’s great as babies are entertained/constrained whilst walking so not having to run round after them but also get to play after. Lots of lovely mums, dads, carers, grandparents go so it’s not all baby talk.

Mrsducky88 · 17/04/2019 21:11

I have met some great people and made good friends by starting my own group up. I’ve done it as a buggy and sling walk, then we finish at a pub for coffee/lunch. It’s great as babies are entertained/constrained whilst walking so not having to run round after them but also get to play after. Lots of lovely mums, dads, carers, grandparents go so it’s not all baby talk.

Piewraith · 17/04/2019 21:29

Like Fight Club but with a creche

I've been doing HIIT class, that's a bit like fight club with a creche. Well no fighting but plenty of people sweating, grunting and lifting weights. How about something like this at your local gym? Some gyms like crossfit ones have a team/social element too.

Also though, since you've moved, you have to take dc out of the equation a bit. If you worked and didn't have dc but did nothing to make friends your routine would be work-home-work-home - also boring. Sure some people make great friends at work but many don't. Maybe think of how you would otherwise go about making local friends and do that. It might be attended a meet up group or book club while DP stays at home.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 17/04/2019 21:32

You need to get back to work x

managedmis · 17/04/2019 21:34

Yup, back to work now

EmeraldShamrock · 17/04/2019 21:37

It is tough OP. I found it hard I was only short of bouncing on DP when he came home, for an adult chat.
If you can get some part time work you'll have the best of both worlds.

Original poster
coffeecoffeecarbs · 18/04/2019 09:16

Raspberry88 my son is exactly the same, I spend my life having half conversations as he runs around destroying everything.

Definitely need to find a way to get back to work - wish me luck!

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