Parents of ASD children - Am I expecting too much?

[WhereInTheWorldToGo]

DS is 8 and has ASD ; he is “high functioning” - albeit his anxiety rules our whole lives .

For context , we have had a very busy half term and have done lots of outdoor activities as well as visiting family .

Today his younger NT brother is at a sports camp . It was a last minute invite so there was no time to plan anything .

As one on one time with DS1 is rare I was really looking forward to doing something with him .

We only have a couple of hours before DS3 is back from my parents .

I offered DS1 lots of activities based around his interests or to go to a fun place.

He didn’t want to , he wanted to stay at home .

So I suggested I play games with him , suggested we do crafts or painting or anything else he would like .

He doesn’t want to .

I admit I became a bit frustrated and explained I’d love to spend some time with him doing what he loves .

He wanted to play on his Xbox

I said no as it’s a lovely day and we have all sorts of activities we can do .

He was miserable and didn’t want to do anything I offered but also didn’t have any ideas himself .

I told him I would like him to do what makes him happy so out came the Xbox .

I then suggested we play together . No.
I could watch him play and keep score . No.

He’s now sat on the Xbox with his headphones on

I have gone to the other room and cried

I feel like our relationship is so distant . I love him dearly , but I get nothing back from him .

When he is loving and affectionate I treasure it because I know it’s difficult for him .

I spend most of my time being the vessel for his frustration and anger whilst trying to build up his self esteem and telling him how wonderful he is .

I often feel like he hates me , but I know he doesn’t , he just can’t express himself .

I really wanted this time with him today but he’s just not engaging .

AIBU or expecting too much ?

I am like your son and it’s awful. I have no desire to spend time with loved ones and to be honest, I find the thought of it stressful. Many times my kids wanted me to play Xbox with them or “do stuff” with them and of course I forced myself to be enthusiastic about it but in reality, it stressed me out.

As a kid I was the exact same as your son. I just wanted to be left alone. It’s hard.

Yeah I'm asd and I'm the same. But I was forced into stuff and it strained my relationship with my parents for years. Now my husband understands if I just want to sit and crochet for hours, and he'll sit beside me doing his own thing. We have lived in single room besits for most of our relationship, and I'm never claustrophobic with him because I can be alone a foot away if that makes sense.
Nowadays both my parents understand me better, because I can explain it, but mum often said raising me was like raising am angry alien, I didn't work the same way as my siblings. (she said this as an adult, meant with love!)

TigersRoll if it’s not too personal of a question - are you autistic ?

Do you have any suggestions how I might engage with him without being overbearing ?

For context , we have had a very busy half term and have done lots of outdoor activities as well as visiting family

Maybe he's just tired and needs some downtime? It's not a reflection on your relationship or how he feels about you.

You sound like a lovely Mum by the way

He needs his down time. My eldest (also autistic) is like that. Sounds like he's had a busy time of it lately and needs a rest without having to engage with others. My two youngest are hard work and pester him a lot so if they are at respite without him my eldest just wants a nice quiet day to himself where he isn't bothered by them on his computer. Maybe you can arrange some other times where his younger siblings are away from home.

sounds like he needs some downtime, leave him to it. quietly take him a nice snack or something to show you care but leave him to get some peace and quiet.

I’ve learnt with DS2 that any interaction is on his terms. He would always prefer to stay in and be on his computer. Luckily, like you I have 2 other DSs so DS2 had to come along to family activities.

Now he’s 19 he can legitimately be left at home and it’s what he mostly chooses to do. It’s sad but we still do some activities as a family, mostly eating out or the cinema, but only if the film has over 70% on Rotten Tomatoes! I’ve learnt that it’s OK for him to opt out, so long as it’s not all of the time.

Luckily his current obsession is quizzes and quiz shows. I take him to a monthly pub quiz and we watch TV quizzes together. It’s ideal for him. He has a great memory and enjoys showing off his knowledge in a format that appeals to his strengths. Ie no discussion or analysis, just knowing a fact.

I’m sure you’ll find something to share with your DS. It may not be of your choice but hang on in there. The teenage years are very isolating between parents and many NT teenagers, let alone ones with ASD.

Stoptheworld what kind of things did your parents force you to do? I might be in this category but it’s done out of love .

I want him to experience the world .

But I do find our family days out are very hard work and can become rather strained until he gets in to the swing of something .

That is all too much! Even for a NT child. Most kids want some time out in the holidays to just ‘chill’, play on their XBox, etc. without being forced to do crafts, play games with their mum, etc.

I know you mean well, but maybe back off a bit.

my ds is 12 and he is the same, we have offered an outing at the weekend as the weather is lovely but he said he would rather be at home and sleep in his own bed. He is prob on fortnite now, we pay for a nanny to mind him in the school holiday because of his refusal to attend clubs etc. He is far happier at home and it is hard for us to understand that. Over the years I have learned to parent the child you have and not the one you think they should be

My DS is autistic (apparently 'high functioning' too) and over the years, I've struggled with similar situations.

I also have a NT daughter and the difference between them is so vast, I sometimes wonder if they come from the same planet.

However, I think the battle you had today was more about your expectations for the day than anything. I mean this in the kindest possible way, but you have to adjust expectations with autistic children as they are not going to want to engage and please in the same way as NT DC.

I found that if I wanted to do activities with DS, they had to be ones that he would enjoy or suggest and usually we did them in parallel, rather than together - if that makes sense. DS likes solo activities like golf, dingy sailing, playing an instrument, cycling and went through a faze of knitting too. For him companionship is me sitting in the same room as him, whilst he knits, or hitting balls at the golf range beside him. He would rather have donated kidney than sit with me and do craft activities, unless it was for an incredibly specific reason and he didn't have to touch anything that gave him sensory heebeegebies!

All that said, it is a lovely day and it is a shame for him to be stuck inside glued to the Xbox. Would he be interested in something like hitting a few balls at your local golf range?

Thank you for the insightful responses.

I think he does need the downtime; maybe I just built my hopes up of a wonderful, pleasant day out and us skipping hand in hand around the park

The reality is so different and it comes as a shock sometimes .

I think I probably am BU and should just let him play Xbox .

The guilt of not doing “enough” today can be suppressed with later .

My son is like that too: it’s down time for him.

Sometimes I bribe him to come to the seaside with me for an afternoon, and he runs around on the beach and paddles a bit and scoffs fish and chips, and generally seems to be having a lovely time...

and then we get home and he complains bitterly about how he missed his xbox and that he hated every minute of the trip to the seaside and how mean I am.

And even if he says he’s enjoying himself when we’re at the seaside he still claims it was awful once we’re back home.

Transitions are hard for him. And his xbox is his down time. So, yeah, it’s not like bringing up an NT child. But I do love seeing him running on the beach, and he seems to love it too.

Which is a long way of saying: your son is doing what lots of kids do when they have ASD. It’s not a rejection of you. If you give him a choice he’ll choose the Xbox. And even if you can get him to do something else he’d probably still rather be on the xbox. It’s not personal.

@WhereInTheWorldToGo

Yes I’m autistic. Honestly the stress of being forced to socialise when you want to be alone is unbearable. As a child I was always forced to “join in” with “the others” when all I wanted to do was sit by myself. I used to run off into the woods by myself just to be alone - it was my own little survival game where I pretended I was lost on an island and had to find water and build shelter. It’s frightening really when you think of the wrong ‘uns that could have been lurking in there!!

No advice really unfortunately as I can only see it from your son’s side. Although I understand it must be hard for you too. All I can say is if you push it, you’ll stress him out and as he gets older he might start feeling guilt about not being able to socialise and his stress and anxiety may increase further. This happened to me and I turned to alcohol to force myself to socialise.

I think it’s easy to fall into an “instragram parenting” approach where we feel we have to constantly be doing things, constantly ‘making memories’

However for any child downtime is vital. For a child with autism even more so.

This is actually the first school holiday in about 18 months Ds has willingly left the house at all. Today he has done an appointment and a Costa and he is mentally drained as a result so will need downtime all day

One to one time with my youngest with ASD is lead by him. It really sounds as if he's self regulating by telling you he needs some down time from all the busy days. He needs it like he needs breathing.

I know it's hurtful but you need your thicker skin. Have some time to have a sit down with a magazine or something.

I'd be on my own Xbox having some downtime myself in your shoes.

DS1 is 12 and i have learnt that he needs lots of alone time. i know especially when he has been dragged out lots and we have been busy that he needs time to destress, yu ave to remember that things that NT people enjoy are full of triggers - noise, too much interaction, stress of trying to work out what the appropriate behaviour should be, smells, etc all things that may be very stressful for a perso with ASD.

Hi sound very much like your son… I can have days where I really want to do different things, but I get so exhausted after it can take me days to recover. So sometimes I just like to relax I get very very stressed, so sometimes my Favorite thing to do is just enjoy my coffee and an audiobook. And I've always been like that.

My daughter struggles with too many activities and days out. Your son probably needs time to relax and switch off.

He doesn’t hate you, he vents at you because you will never reject him, you’ll always love and forgive him and so it’s “safe” for him to treat you this way. I know that’s hard, believe me I’ve had plenty of tears because I’ve been screamed at and had hour long meltdowns.

Give him the space he needs even though it’s hard for you and tell him when/if he’s ready you’ll be there ready to do something. Use the time to do something nice for you.

Over the years I have learned to parent the child you have and not the one you think they should be

^^ This

Is very true and something I’m still trying to adapt to (his diagnosis is recent).

I do have to keep reminding myself that the things I think he should like are not the things he does like .

It is easy to forget at times with two other NT boys who love the great outdoors and want to be active all the time .

This is something I’m working on .

It seems I may have expected too much today . Thank you for not berating me

My DD (13) with ASD needs downtime, especially after having a busier days. She is very good at self managing her condition and knowing when she is able to do something, and when she needs to switch off. She rarely goes into sensory overload/ meltdown at home because we allow her to manage it. Don't ever take it personally.

It sounds like he's already done loads of things you want him to do (family days out, visiting relatives and outdoor activities) and now even though DS2 gets to do something just for him (sports camp), DS1 still doesn't get the downtime he needs.

His feelings are not a reflection on you. He needs downtime and time alone like people need to breath. I'm somewhere on the spectrum (Aspergers) and really, really struggle if I never get time to myself. I find being around other people everyday very stressful.

Join him in having some down time. Tell him while he is on his x box you are going to read, knit, whatever. Even tell him that he is right, everyone needs down time, and it will benefit you too. Maybe occasionally comment on what you are doing, or on his game, but with no expectation of a response. He will really value and appreciate being able to just be himself with you, though will probably not be able to verbalize that.

Hugs and , it is difficult.

my asd son is like this. I find it so claustrophobic as we do allow him a lot of time doing what he needs so he can cope with some of the things he has to do. what he needs is to sit in a dark room watching youtube videos of ice cream machines and other machines working.

I feel so lonely and frustrated and like I am letting down his sibling who would like to go for a day out in the sunshine. Its a lovely sunny day and yet again I am in the house all day.

I understand he finds its stressful and cant help it but it is heartbreaking to think going to the park is too stressful and he needs to recover from going swimming yesterday.

Probably not helpful but I was sort of feeling solidarity with you.

school is very stressful for my low functioning daughter. Whenever we are at home during the school hols (not often though, I work and she goes to a holiday club), I let her do what she wants. she needs to decompress. if that means doing things on her own, then fine.