Parents of ASD children - Am I expecting too much?

[WhereInTheWorldToGo]

DS is 8 and has ASD ; he is “high functioning” - albeit his anxiety rules our whole lives .

For context , we have had a very busy half term and have done lots of outdoor activities as well as visiting family .

Today his younger NT brother is at a sports camp . It was a last minute invite so there was no time to plan anything .

As one on one time with DS1 is rare I was really looking forward to doing something with him .

We only have a couple of hours before DS3 is back from my parents .

I offered DS1 lots of activities based around his interests or to go to a fun place.

He didn’t want to , he wanted to stay at home .

So I suggested I play games with him , suggested we do crafts or painting or anything else he would like .

He doesn’t want to .

I admit I became a bit frustrated and explained I’d love to spend some time with him doing what he loves .

He wanted to play on his Xbox

I said no as it’s a lovely day and we have all sorts of activities we can do .

He was miserable and didn’t want to do anything I offered but also didn’t have any ideas himself .

I told him I would like him to do what makes him happy so out came the Xbox .

I then suggested we play together . No.
I could watch him play and keep score . No.

He’s now sat on the Xbox with his headphones on

I have gone to the other room and cried

I feel like our relationship is so distant . I love him dearly , but I get nothing back from him .

When he is loving and affectionate I treasure it because I know it’s difficult for him .

I spend most of my time being the vessel for his frustration and anger whilst trying to build up his self esteem and telling him how wonderful he is .

I often feel like he hates me , but I know he doesn’t , he just can’t express himself .

I really wanted this time with him today but he’s just not engaging .

AIBU or expecting too much ?

whereintheworld some of it was socialising with people that didn't understand, always trying to make be friends with 'girls my age'. I never minded trips out as long as I could spend some time with my headphones in, and I had some freedom to enjoy things my way, generally I was. It was the constant socialising I despised. I don't understand people, and I don't want to be friends with them! And actually the vast majority of my family still don't understand me and I've been treated badly because of it.

I have ASD and my son has HFA - please STOP trying to mould your son to a NT societal norrm . We are all unique individuals, please treat us accordingly.

Stop thank you . I don’t force him to socialise , I take his lead on that and actually only take him with me when he knows the people really well and wants to go .

At least I’m getting that right

@PlainSpeakingStraightTalking I don’t think that’s fair. It’s not like the OP is doing these things out of spite. It must be difficult when you’re not on the same wavelength as your own kids. It takes understanding on both sides

PlainSpeaking I wouldn’t say I was trying to mould him in to an NT societal norm , although I am probably guilty of it at times as I work my way through understanding him .

I accept him as unique , it’s just taking me some time to learn the ropes as I have two NT boys to

People with ASD need a lot of down time. If he's been busy all week so far he needs time to switch off and hide.

Dd1 has asd and I almost certainly do too. We do go out and about in the mornings when places are quieter and then afternoons are mostly spent at home. If we are out for a full busy day she will need the whole of the next day at home doing very little to recover. If you want to have some time out and about doing something together, I suggest you plan to have an Xbox day the day before so he will be in a better place to go out and interact with the world.

You'll get there WhereInTheWorldToGo. Don't beat yourself up. It is really hard to understand it all, particularly if the diagnosis is new.

DS needs far less interaction generally but he still downloads his crap on me. He phones me from Uni and rants about 'other people' who he finds so endlessly confusing. I'm usually able to do a bit of decoding and take some of the heat out of it for him, but he finds social interaction absolutely exhausting. That's why computer games and Xboxes are such a blessing, as they can just zone out and most of these things are rule based games, so they make sense!

He didn’t want to , he wanted to stay at home.

Yes, you were expecting a bit much . Sit and watch him play computer games if you like, do your knitting meanwhile. Maybe bring him a drink. My DS likes it if I bring him a cup of tea.

Of course you want him to experience the world. But he can cope with less of that than other kids, and it sounds as if you've already done plenty of that with him this holiday, so job done.

Kids with ASCs often struggle with last minute plans and are more relaxed with plenty of advanced warning. And my DS struggled to make open-ended choices and decisions. So if you do want to take him out alone, maybe make a plan a time ahead of time for an activity you know he usually likes (or one you can easily stop if it's not working) and maybe give him a choice of two things - this or that - with something rewarding at the end (my DS loved a stop for tea and cake).

At least I’m getting that right

You are probably getting many things right for him already. It's a permanent learning curve, for all of us.

And it is sad when the way we naturally relate to our children is not the way they naturally relate to us. Sometimes DS and I are still just kind of waving at each in a wellmeaning way across a gulf of mutual non-understanding and incompatible interests. DH is actually better at bridging the gap than I am. But DS and I still love each other and care about each other.

By the way just in case you don't know (because they don't appear in active threads) MumsNet has special needs boards, and there are parents of kids with ASCs over there with similar experiences

m.youtube.com/watch?v=JytswMbcd_U

This explains it quite well

I don’t have ASD although I do have some ASD type traits! I do suffer with anxiety though and sometimes I just need down time to recharge, especially if I’m having a busy week/month. As an adult I can generally plan my life around this, but if I was a child with someone (however loving and well meaning!) trying to insist I do things, I would find it very stressful.

Understand about being the vessel for your child's frustrations. I am that for my asd child. Last couple of days I have been in floods of tears in my room on numerous occasions because the venting she does is aimed at me and although does not mean what she says it is pretty dire with swearing and insults and wanting to kill me.