Boyfriend being cagey about stuff 🤔

[Wtf1973]

In a relationship for 3 yrs, we don’t live together but I do stuff at his house when he is out at work to help ease the load as he works full time has 2 kids on weekdays (school is closest to him and not the mothers)
I have my own house and 2 kids at school/college too.
Do shopping for both houses and make dinners for everyone and we either eat at his or mine ...works out well most of the time
At his the other day and a citation for court came in for him ...phoned him to let him know ...
And we wondered what it was for...possibly a parking ticket that was unpaid.
Turns out it’s for utilities from when his ex still lived in family home....but he’s cagey about when it is he has to go to court etc...just very blasé and I feel there is either more to it or he doesn’t think it’s my business ...
For some context ..I have helped him out financially in the past without knowing the ins and outs(but likely to do with debts from previous relationship) even although he is a fairly highish earner....he hasn’t asked for help this time and I’m not offering....As I had to pressure him for money to be repaid previously .
There has been talk about us living together
But whereas I feel I’m fairly transparent about everything...he seems to be very much less so and I feel nosy when I ask about some things and feel that I only get the vaguest of answers...
AIBU...To expect to know more about his finances at this point ...Or am I being unreasonable just because I’m happy to divulge everything about me ?

Good God, why are you acting like his unpaid housekeeper? You've got your own house and kids to look after.

So he's working full time with 2 kids part time? Can he not cope? Millions of other parents manage it. Why are you doing his shopping for him? Can he not do this online? I'm actually speechless.

Forget the suspicious court citation, sounds like that's the least of your worries.

Do NOT move in with him.

Yes, I would not join finances, bail him out or help with his things excessively unless there is transparency - you need to know what you are getting into. Also, does not sound great tbh.

Utility companies make you repay any debt before you can get the utility again, and if you can't they work out a repayment plan or install a card meter.

Holy fuck you're not living together but you're already doing everything around his house as well as maintaining your own home? You surely cannot think that is normal? Or part of a healthy relationship? Whatever did he do before you was around?

As PP have said, why are you so desperate to turn yourself into this man's servant? Is he really that good a shag?

He has kids full time ...Only 1 goes to mothers at weekends fri-sun
I’m not paying for shopping for his.
And utilities were for non-mains gas

Thanks for constructive responses

Keep your finances separate unless you are living together. And don't lend money you will struggle to get back. I've a friend who does this, they never pay her back in full & she's always out of pocket & never learns. And get him food shopping online. He can have a basics list set up that he just edits every week, takes minutes. Running round after him sends the message youre a bit of a doormat. If he's earning OK he should be sorting his shopping, finances & childcare.

Best interpretation: you are open, he is not; if you cant resolve this difference then it doesn't bode well for the longer term so don't get any further involved until you get to a level of sharing you are comfortable with.

However... This rings alarm bells with me, as it does with PPs. You are acting like a house-keeper for a man who does not want to share himself with you. I don't think the two of you feel the same about your relationship.

He's done really well here. Regular sex and housekeeping for free. Op you're a mug.

Thank You All ...
As hard as it is to read ...
I know I’m a Mug 😕

You can stop being one though op, dump him
He's taking the piss

Even if you don't want to dump him, take a massive step back from doing all of his domestic chores (including cooking for him and his chilrden every night!?!?!) and see how he responds. You'll soon have your answer. Sorry if it's not the one you want.

Are you auditioning to live with him?

So he’s not paid essential bills, and is blasé about it leading to a court citation. He’s ignored previous demands/threats by the look of it. He’s had debt problems before, despite being a high earner. He’d no doubt be equally careless/expect someone else to pay for joint bills if you move in together. Just the money issue would put me off (ex was like this- it never improves, whatever they say). If he’s a high earner, you won’t get benefits so you will be reliant on him paying his way, and it doesn’t sound like he’s reliable.

He sounds like another child that you are having to look after.

It’s not that he does nothing for me ...I work part-time and he is present for my kids if he needs to be ...
He had a job that was more flexible previously...Took an office based job late last year and between me and his mum ...we stepped up to help out..But circumstances have meant his mum hasn’t been able to dig in as much.
I help out as i do so we can have quality time after work hours and dinner ..Like most “normal” couples do ...we are just not living in the same house ...I see where the “unpaid housekeeper” comes from ..
But I wouldn’t be if we lived together? In most peoples opinion?

But I wouldn’t be if we lived together? In most peoples opinion?

Yes of course you would be. An unpaid babysitter/childminder/cleaner/general dogsbody.

If you're happy to accept this drudgery as your role in life then crack on.

But I couldn't and wouldn't. I don't understand why he needs so much 'help' if he's capable of holding down a full time job. Why does he not do his fair share?

Stop-just stop! Why would you do this? Come on-surely you have more self respect!

Just tell him you’re not doing it any more.

If you lived together and carried on doing everything even though you work 4 days a week then yes, still an unpaid housekeeper

Why are you doing this? You don't live together. You're chucking time, effort and energy at this, with no return! Not that I'm suggesting relationships should be transactional, but it's too much! And once the expectation is there, there's no going back. You're asking for burnout here. And casting yourself in a mummy role. Do not infantilise him. Do not give too much of yourself. It'll become a breeding ground for resentment. I'm not saying don't do each other favours from time to time, but let him keep his own shit together, you focus on yours (I'm sure you have enough to do!!) and meet in the relationship as equals. I've learned this the hard way!!

Yes you'd be doing it if you lived together but then (ideally) you'd have shared lives and a balanced relationship.

What you've described is you doing and sharing, and him mostly taking and not sharing. He's taking advantage, and you're are just waking up to it.

Wow! The fact that you sleepwalked into the role of unpaid housekeeper suggests to me that you'll struggle to stop. Can you imagine a relationship where the man cooks, shops and does washing for his own family in the evenings and at weekends? He has the occasional meal at his girlfriend's home. Occasional.

She doesn't do his washing, ironing, shopping and cleaning. He respects her for having boundaries and self-esteem. Instead she looks after her own family and socialises/does hobbies/goes to the gym in her free time.
If he needs extra help in the house he pays a cleaner £10-12 per hour like a normal person.

Can you imagine this OP? Please make it happen. Pull back. Warn him that you'll be doing less and stick the number of some cleaning agencies on his fridge.

I’m pretty sure if the shoe was on the other foot ..He would do for me...
I do realise it’s very one sided ...But I was more interested in opinions on his “disclosure” of what i Think is acceptable to expect when you are in a relationship that is at this age and stage .
The fact that I feel he is being wrong in not being more open does sadden me greatly when I think of how much I do for him and Us 😕

Well you are financially joined, so not it's not your business. It's up to him if he wants to share.

OP, what are you thinking?

Why dont you work fulltime? Not judging just asking why?

Look, I work full time. I have 2 kids full time. I manage to keep the house clean and tidy, look after the kids, do the shopping, cook and look after us. I have a dp who doesnt live here and has picked up ds on occasion if I have needed him to.

There is absolutely no reason he needs an unpaid skivvy doing all these things for him, because the poor love has kids and works full time.

If you lived together and did all this I would still say you are a mug. Should work fulltime to ensure full financial security and stop doing it all. It would be slightly different if you lived together, because the house would be shared so jobs done in the house were for both of you.

But you are running his house and your own.

This is a ridiculous set up

Thanks to you all...We are ending it today
Thanks for making me see the light