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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Boyfriend being cagey about stuff 🤔

49 replies

Wtf1973 · 17/04/2019 10:10

In a relationship for 3 yrs, we don’t live together but I do stuff at his house when he is out at work to help ease the load as he works full time has 2 kids on weekdays (school is closest to him and not the mothers)
I have my own house and 2 kids at school/college too.
Do shopping for both houses and make dinners for everyone and we either eat at his or mine ...works out well most of the time
At his the other day and a citation for court came in for him ...phoned him to let him know ...
And we wondered what it was for...possibly a parking ticket that was unpaid.
Turns out it’s for utilities from when his ex still lived in family home....but he’s cagey about when it is he has to go to court etc...just very blasé and I feel there is either more to it or he doesn’t think it’s my business ...
For some context ..I have helped him out financially in the past without knowing the ins and outs(but likely to do with debts from previous relationship) even although he is a fairly highish earner....he hasn’t asked for help this time and I’m not offering....As I had to pressure him for money to be repaid previously .
There has been talk about us living together
But whereas I feel I’m fairly transparent about everything...he seems to be very much less so and I feel nosy when I ask about some things and feel that I only get the vaguest of answers...
AIBU...To expect to know more about his finances at this point ...Or am I being unreasonable just because I’m happy to divulge everything about me ?

OP posts:

Putthatlampshadeonyourhead · 17/04/2019 11:58

Wow that's a quick turn around.

Is there a reason you cant work through it and change things?

KittenMittens1 · 17/04/2019 12:00

When you live with someone their financial history will then be associated with you on any credit reports married or not! So do not move in with him until you know what you are getting into financially.

Original poster

Wtf1973 · 17/04/2019 12:03

Obviously there is More ...But basically along the same line as the original question.
Feel shut out and cutoff from him about “silly” things...I’m just not used to someone Who isn’t as open as me ...
And I feelWhat I’m giving ina practical sense isn’t being appreciated

OP posts:

Putthatlampshadeonyourhead · 17/04/2019 12:11

If he isnt open to sharing his life, at all, it's not going anywhere.

You are investing all this time an energy, I assume, because you think you are working for both of your futures. He is just seeing you as a girlfriend and housekeeper.

It's the right thing to end it, if he isnt sharing his life and doesnt appreciate all you do.

He will learn to balance things when he has too. Plenty of single parents do exactly what he does.

Putthatlampshadeonyourhead · 17/04/2019 12:11

Sorry by what he does, I mean work full time and have the kids full time

Original poster

Wtf1973 · 17/04/2019 12:22

Turning point was....
His side had a funeral which coincided with a major hospital Operation in another part of the country for one of my relatives which I had to attend to assist...
A few days before my plans changed and I could accompany him to funeral...He said it didn’t matter than I should just leave it...Then Shut discussion down, no talking to him ...I was the only partner/spouse not there and spent the morning of the funeral feeling absolutely awful as it was someone very close to him ....
I can’t forget it

OP posts:

Branleuse · 17/04/2019 12:23

wow, he really fell on his feet when he met you didnt he

Putthatlampshadeonyourhead · 17/04/2019 12:31

He doesn't see you as a partner, unfortunately.

You have done all this stuff him, because you did see it as a partnership.

Sorry its ended this way. I am sure you are sad, but it's for the best.

HollowTalk · 17/04/2019 12:32

I’m pretty sure if the shoe was on the other foot ..He would do for me...

You have absolutely no way of knowing that. Look how he treated you over the funeral. I'm glad you've seen that he's using you - it's a horrible feeling but you're free now to find someone as lovely as you.

timeisnotaline · 17/04/2019 12:36

That is very sudden. Can’t you just tell him to do his own shopping? Say you’re looking for more work...

Original poster

Wtf1973 · 17/04/2019 12:37

I’m not that “lovely” ...but I am better off dealing with my own shit only and feeling unappreciated for that only..lol...
Nothing worse than doing for others and feeling like that too

OP posts:

Original poster

Wtf1973 · 17/04/2019 12:38

Timeisnotaline
There are several other little “silly” things that are just piling up too

OP posts:

swingofthings · 17/04/2019 12:40

It sounds like you were not on the sane wavelength commitment was. You saw eachother as a committed couple that share everything just happened to live in seowrate households.

He saw you as a girlfriend as not living together. A great girlfriend who helped a lot but not serious enough to share what he considered his issues to deal with, not a relationship matter.

CantStopMeNow · 17/04/2019 15:48

I do stuff at his house when he is out at work to help ease the load as he works full time has 2 kids on weekdays
Women like you are the reason why we have so many 'men' who 'can't' won't pull their own weight around the house and take on the mental load of running a household including all the responsibilities that go with having children.
How the hell is he going to LEARN how to manage his responsibilities if the 'little women' are constantly infantilising and mothering him?
You can bet your last penny that if you move in with him that you will be the unpaid skivvy and childminder.

With regards him being 'cagey'....reframe that as him having BOUNDARIES.
It's none of your business what he's up to regards his finances etc.
Good on him for maintaining that boundary.
You sound rather overbearing and pushy, and i think your 'helpfulness' is actually thinly disguised manipulation.
You're already doing it - "I do all this for him and he won't even tell me his private, confidential business even though it has absolutely no impact on my household or finances".

He's happily taking advantage of having a free housekeeper as it enables him to concentrate his resources (mental, financial) on increasing his earnings.....whilst you are still getting by on a part time income and have no legal right to anything that you've helped him achieve.

I think you need to find your self respect and concentrate on increasing your own earnings and spending your time doing things for YOU that bring joy to your life and actually help YOU.

Putthatlampshadeonyourhead · 17/04/2019 15:52

Women like you are the reason why we have so many 'men' who 'can't'won'tpull their own weight around the house and take on the mental load of running a household including all the responsibilities that go with having children.How the hell is he going to LEARN how to manage his responsibilities if the 'little women' are constantly infantilising and mothering him?You can bet your last penny that if you move in with him that you will be the unpaid skivvy and childminder.

That's really unfair.

Yes the OP shouldnt have let herself be used. However, he is a grown man that could have made the decision to act like a grown up.

Let's not blame women for lazy men. If you are lazy and let someone else do it, that's your failing.

He should learn like we plenty of us do. By doing ourselves.

It's not ops job to teach him anything. He could have just decided to take responsibility for himself and his kids.

Women are not to blame for men who are useless

CantStopMeNow · 17/04/2019 15:55

Women are not to blame for men who are useless
They are if they CHOOSE to keep doing everything for men instead of leaving them to deal with it themselves.

Putthatlampshadeonyourhead · 17/04/2019 16:03

They are if they CHOOSE to keep doing everything for men instead of leaving them to deal with it themselves.

That's still the man fault for being a lazy dick and not doing something for himself.

An adult is responsible for themseleves and their own behaviour.

ReanimatedSGB · 17/04/2019 16:10

You're absolutely right to dump this man, who has been taking advantage of you (and will undoubtedly find another well-meaning, desperate woman to slot into your place within, ooh, about a fortnight, unless he's getting to the age where he's losing his looks.)
But please do some serious thinking and take some time off dating before you throw yourself at another loser. It's fine to be single. You do not need to indulge a man's every whim just in order to stop being single. Lose the desperation to be part of a couple: desperation is offputting to nice people but a magnet to selfish, unkind ones.

CantStopMeNow · 17/04/2019 17:04

An adult is responsible for themselves and their own behaviour.
That's exactly the point i was making........

Delatron · 17/04/2019 17:08

If he’s a high earner he can pay for a cleaner and childminder! Why would you be his skivy?

I can’t imagine having to run two households..

Just stop right now. I’m sure he coped down before he met you.

Delatron · 17/04/2019 17:10

I do think women are to blame for men who are useless. It’s enabling them to continue with the ‘I don’t know how to use the washing machine’ crap. They’re not lazy at
work or with sports or friends, just domestic tasks, funny that....

TowerRavenSeven · 17/04/2019 17:14

To be fair sometimes these things creep up on you. I was going out not living with a guy where one week I’d watch his kids. Next week I’m watching them and then making dinner while he slept from 12 the previous night to 4 the next day! Then the next week I’m doing their laundry from three weeks to ‘help’ him, supposed to be a one off.

I stopped it when the next time I was there it was in the same chaotic mess waiting for me. Screw that and I moved on.

Beansandcoffee · 17/04/2019 17:24

I work full time and have my kids full time apart from EOW. I manage to cook, shop and clean. I’m glad you have stopped being his unpaid servant.

Tennesseewhiskey · 17/04/2019 17:26

I do think women are to blame for men who are useless

Jesus wept. It's even womens fault some men are useless twats. Poor men cant think for themseleves. Only become what women allow them to become.

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