DH has just gone off in a strop because he walked poo through the house!

[ANewEra]

DH has just got back from his hobby. I was asleep, having fallen asleep watching something on my phone. As he comes in to turn it off, he stands in a present the cat has left and walks it across the room.

I then wake up to him scrubbing poop off the carpet with baby wipes and zoflora! When I suggest that this might not be the best course of action, i then get a long diatribe on how and why he thinks it is, blah, blah, blah! He is always like this whenever he is responsible for something. Gets super defensive and his ASC goes into over drive!

He's now gone off in a strop because I apparently 'attacked' him by suggesting that his way of cleaning wasnt the most effective and that accidents happen, don't worry about it! These things happen, just clean it up and move on! (I did help to clean it too btw- with hot soapy water and kitchen towels!)

AIBU?!

It's probably your fault anyway, for not smelling it, waking up and clearing it up!
BTW, have you tried Dr Beckmann's?

www.express.co.uk/news/nature/797339/warning-cleaning-products-health-deadly-pets-sick

That was just the trigger. You need to sit him down and find out what the actual problem is.

I’m not sure he did anything wrong tbh, op had a moan at him and he doesn’t want to talk about it

ANewEra, I'll be honest, I have something within me that can often take criticism of a thing as criticism of me personally.

It sounds utterly ridiculous if you don't also have that internal emotional wiring, but it means I can also get very defensive at what seems like a minor comment. But actually, I'm angry with myself, not with the person saying it. Like I am not good enough and oh look, this is just evidence of that, really kicking myself while I'm down.

As part of ongoing therapy I am trying to unwind why I do that and how I can change my reactions, but it is really hard to change habits of a lifetime.

In case your husband is like me, I'd suggest not an apology per se, but more a comment of how the cat shit was nobody's fault and how do we (together) think the best way to clean it is? Then swiftly changing the topic afterwards something entirely different.

HG Strong Stain Remover is my go-to for unexpected stains in the carpet area. Not that I'm criticising mind, just a suggestion.

Wipes are pretty good for that sort of thing, and a proper deep clean can be done later in normal hours. At least your DH was trying to clean it up and not getting you to do it; he wasn't stropping about standing on it and spreading it further, but because you didn't like the way he was sorting it and said so.

Hope it gets resolved, it's not pleasant when there's bad feeling in the air. I had the most critical mum who rarely said anything positive to me, so I would be sensitive about feeling criticised too.

It sounds like the cat poo was in the bedroom. I can't say I would blame him for being very angry after standing in that, even if he was just angry at himself for not noticing it. The smell is 100 times more horrendous than dog poo, I'm surprised it didn't wake you up. He was probably as tired as you - and you were asleep! Try and cut him some slack.

I also think he didn't want to speak about it today because his expectation is that you'll just carry on where you left off - just criticising his choice of cleaning products and further explaining why he was wrong. I wonder if you need to have a ponder on whether you do often criticise him without realising it.

But what is there to talk about this morning, Op/

He cleaned the shit up-just not how you would have done.

Isn't it time for you to shut up about it now?

We don’t know from the OP how the DPs evening at his hobby went, or his day at work before that.

Cleaning up cat shit after a good day is bad enough, after a bad day it’s a disaster.

I’m glad OP has realised she was in the wrong though if some one is cleaning up cat shit late at night, the appropriate response is Thank You. Not, you’re doing it wrong.

I couldn't live with a man who has tantrums. Does he even try to control himself?

Like BuzzPeak I struggle to deal with criticism. I have ASD and I find it almost impossible, particularly under stress, to differentiate between criticism that means "I have a helpful contribution" and criticism that means "you are a useless pathetic human being."

I would have been annoyed too if I were him, clearing it up and then you basically come along and tell him that he's doing it wrong.

Ditto. I see you've said you WBU already though. We may have different methods of cleaning things but sometimes one way isn't particularly better than another, it's just your way of doing it. And late at night when you just want to go to be, tbh you just grab what is available and use that. I'd have been fuming with the cat, whilst knowing it wasn't their fault. Cleaning up cat shit is a really horrible job anyway so to be told, as an adult, that I was doing it wrong would really put the tin lid on the whole thing.

His sulking the following morning bothers me but if there's a more general dynamic where he is often criticised, I'd forgive him for it.

go to bed, not "go to be"

Ok, considering the general consensus is that IWBU then I think we might have a problem. I was SO convinced that he was being a dick about it, that now I reflect on it, I think I might be a serial criticiser! Bugger!

I think DH and I need to have a chat.
Thank you for your help

Don't come along and criticise the way someone is doing something just because it's not how you would do it.

DH tried it once with me when the puppy peed on the carpet. I stopped what I was doing, sat down and said "fine - if you know better, you can clear it up."

To his credit, he did apologise (and clear it up!) and hasn't done it since. If someone is busy doing something (especially something grim like cleaning cat poo out of a carpet) you coming along and making "helpful comments" is just irritating.

Glad you’ve realised op.

He was cleaning it up. You should have left him to it.

My ex used to do this - criticise how I did things - and it exacerbated my anxiety because nothing I ever did was right. I remember standing ironing crying because he’d said I hadn’t done the cooking right, and being made to re-load the dishwasher under his supervision because I hadn’t made the best use of the space, with him literally taking my hand and telling me what to do.

X-post with you.

I think it's an easy trap to fall into. You see someone struggling and think your way would make things easier! But remember your DH is an adult and quite capable of cleaning up cat poo without you telling him the best way of doing so.

A lot of people here saying you should have just left him to it. I disagree. I think you should have helped.

Depends how you help.

That’s not the right way to do that do this instead.

Shit.

Or

What can I do to help you?

Much better way to ask.

Ok, considering the general consensus is that IWBU then I think we might have a problem. I was SO convinced that he was being a dick about it, that now I reflect on it, I think I might be a serial criticiser! Bugger!

It's very big of you to admit that. Alot of people on AIBU seem to only listen to the comments that agree with them

Bless you OP. Both my dad and my brother have form for just leaving shit and not clearing it up at all, but leaving it to me or my mum. This may make me more inclined to think "Oh at least they're doing something" when a boyfriend or partner clears up, which is probably too low a bar!

Wave a white flag, Have a talk. I'm sure it's fixable.

I’m just shocked at the responses you’ve received. Why should the OP have cleaned it up? It’s not her shit. She was just trying to help by explaining a better way to clean it up. It’s not ok for an adult to sulk and refuse to speak to his wife because she made a suggestion.

Next time don't offer anything, let him do it himself and his way and if that hasn't worked, he can deal with any consequences himself. He's an adult, let him do things himself, including taking responsibility for things.

I think you should have helped.

It depends how you offer that help, though. Saying "Do you need a hand with that?" or "is there anything I can do?" is very different from saying "you're doing that wrong" and butting in with your own (unsolicited) advice.

She was just trying to help by explaining a better way to clean it up.

But he didn't want or ask for her help. He was getting on with it on his own. Why did OP need to interfere or get involved at all?

As others said, it depends on how you say it and what you say.

But I suspect he could benefit from some therapy to address his issues with criticism if it affects his life.

It looks like this is a case where couples therapy could be useful as well, although you have recognised that you could well have been unreasonable here, which is good. But sometimes we need something more structured to achieve more lasting changes in our behaviour.