Accident at nursery AIBU??

[raemeg]

My 2 and a bit year old has been going to nursery for 4-5 months now. By and large it has been a very positive experience other than 2 minor aggravations with poor communication which have been ironed out with quick phone calls.

Today he had an accident form for hitting his head having fallen backwards off of a ride on toy. That's quite odd in and of itself as he's got great gross motor skills and hasn't fell off those for about a year. But these things happen/he may well have been tired or over exuberant etc so I signed with a smile.

Then we get home and on a whim I ask: did you fall or were you pushed? My son then launches into a long narrative telling me he was pushed, who exactly pushed him, that they pushed "the handlebars" and that 2 of the nursery staff had told the girl in question off and said she was a "naughty little girl".

Now I accept kids push. It happens no matter what you do. But I really am uneasy about being lied to. Why lie?! And also what else are they lying about??

AIBU? A panicky mum? I want to love this nursery. It's outstanding and in a lovely location and I had a good feel when I first chose it. But why lie?

I wouldn't worry about it op, though I totally get that it leaves a feeling of distrust in your mouth! I suspect it's because the injury itself was "falling off" and that they had to deal with then girl / her parents separately. I guess some parents can go a little crazy when their child is hurt by another child so nurseries probably have to report neutrally for that reason.

The thing is, they haven't lied.

The injury was caused by the fall from the scooter, and that's the relevant information to you. What the injury is and what caused it, so that if he develops further symptoms you have the information to give to the doctors.

The fact that the fall was caused by another child (and at 2 it's pretty much expected behaviour and it sounds like the dealt with it then and there) isn't really relevant - it isn't information you need, and you gain nothing from having it.

They're two. This isn't deliberate, it isn't the start of bullying, it's just toddlers being toddlers, so there's nothing you can do with the knowledge, and you don't need (or have any right to, tbh) any information about any other child in the setting.

I always asked myself ‘would this have happened in my care?’ The answer was usually ‘Yes’

Kids have minor injuries, it happens, it was dealt with and you were informed.

Toddlers are also notorious for their vivid imaginations. That doesn’t mean that what he said wasn’t true, or even that he was “lying”, just that I wouldn’t automatically assume that the nursery staff were covering anything up IYSWIM.

At my nursery they always give a description of incident without naming other child. In the instance you describe above they would have said another child pushed him off a toy. I would expect the truth and I would raise that in a non-confrontational manner with nursery staff. It's important you feel they are giving you the whole story when you entrust them with your child's care.

I wouldn't say you were lied to. The push resulted in him falling off the toy and hitting his head. Regardless of whether they told you he was pushed or not, the end result is still the same. I would imagine if they had to tell every parent every time their child was pushed, hit, involved in a fight, they would be there all day. Children that age will are still learning to play together and share. I wouldn’t worry about it too much.

Why did you ask whether he was pushed, that might give him ideas of what to say? Why didn't you ask what happened without giving him pointers?

Whenever this happened to DC at a busy nursery, sometimes 'another child' was mentioned (always anonymously) and sometimes not. Sometimes my DC was the other child and I was told they had been rough with someone. Sounds as though nursery dealt with the incident. As PP says, they're two and learning how to deal with eachother. I would only ask staff questions if further regular incidents occur.

I'm also amazed that he didn't say immediately you picked him up that someone had pushed him off the toy. My DS would have done! I remember one day a girl had thrown a wooden toy at DS's head. Luckily no damage, but from that day on she was girl who had thrown a toy at his head, as far as DS was concerned.

Asking leading questions is never a good way to find out things.

Irrespective of how it happened he fell off the ride on - that’s the bit you need to know. Anything else nursery will deal with if needed

Thanks all. That's really helped. As I said in my original post I know kids push and that's just how it is.

Quite right - I wasn't lied to, I was wrong there. I wasn't given the complete picture and I would have liked it. But yes, then again what would I do with the info?

Thanks all with constructive comments.

@ineedaholidaynow presenting children at that age with choices of answers is a recommended way of communicating - I'm qualified in this field. I did not put ideas in his head. I also knew nothing about "handle bars" which ride on toy it was or which girl it was.

Bring pushed off would make me assume another child physically shoved him off. If she moved the handlebars she could have abused him to lose his balance. And he could well have decided she was “naughty” and have said so. She may have not intended to hurt him at all.
Accidents happen.

I think YABU. It's not really relevant that another 2yo behaved like a 2yo. You had all the relevant detail. Even if your son told the gospel truth (and at 2 he could well have been confused/mildly fabricating/thinking you wanted him to tell a story about being pushed, especially after your rather leading question) the staff didn't lie, they just didn't give you the detail that has absolutely nothing to do with you.

Honestly there are such lovely, helpful comments here - thank you. Calm now, have had tea!

Ahhh yes I remember when one of mine came home with a bumped head from falling over and told me a seemingly accurate description of his little friend (we'll call him Bob) pushing him off a chair which didn't tie in at all to what the staff had told me. He was adamant. I spoke to nursery and it turned out that Bob had stopped attended about 2 weeks before the incident. First instance of telling porky pies we had so no reason to think we were being spun a tale

I remember being told another child had bit my DS out of frustration he wanted a toy DS had but couldn’t articulate it and biting got his attention quickly. I was told because there was a mark I was not told who. It’s not lying it’s just giving you the facts that matter. I bet they know that you are an anxious type who might think toddlers pushing in nursery is a problem when generally it’s not. Maybe they have learned they have to manage you too.

As an aside my DS said “x Bited me” the second I got in the car so discretion unnecessarily

Good for you OP

Oh @ineedaholidaynow cool story bro (google the reference if stuck) my son was far more keen to tell me about positive aspects of his day (picnic in the rain and new book in the reading area since you seem to care so much) than dwell on the negative.

I just don't believe that happened because nursery don't use the words naughty
I don't know why they don't say naughty but they don't

I think he is making it up
Tell him to stick his tongue out and tell him it will have black speckles on if he isn't telling the truth

Gauge his reaction and see if you think he's making it up a bit

There's no reason why they wouldn't tell you if he was pushed

Btw I'm not excusing what happened

My son has said that my husband his dad scratched his arm (he didn't)
That his nanny dog bit him on the chin (she didn't)
And that a boy kicked him in the head (he didn't)

The nursery still sounds great, please don't be put off! When reporting accidents as a pp has said the injury and what caused the injury are sometimes kept separate. If a child did push him to hurt him then that would be dealt with separately. This is because nurserys/schools have seen way too many situations where parents have got involved and tried to 'sort it out' themselves. That being with the child or parents of the child which just causes bad feelings and is unfair really. I recently heard of a 2ish year old who bit another child (teething) and the parents went for each other after demanding to know who had bitten. Let's face it children sometimes don't intend to hurt....but sometimes they do. It's all about education.

(Not at all saying you would do this but it is just professional to not blame children especially in nursery)

Child could have rocked him by accident also.... who knows x

I too would be wary of a story that included the word, 'naughty'. It is not a word that is used in any nursery I have ever been in and not considered an acceptable word in this environment.

Thanks @roundligament oddly it's not a word we use either so goodness knows where he got that - seriously where do they get these things?!

I think he's telling the truth (have just asked - good tip) but that someone pushing his ride on toy is far more accurate than someone pushing him (if that makes sense??).

Thank goodness for people being level headed!

Toddlers are also notorious for their vivid imaginations.

‘It was Jack in the yellow coat not Jack in the blue coat and then he roared and put a dinosaur in his shoe and it was a stegosaurus and then he put all the dinosaurs in the paint.’

Cool story. Except Jack-in-the-blue-coat is in Spain with his parents.

I wouldn't worry about it.

I doubt they lied. It wouldn't occur to me to say to anyone 'oh, yes, little Jimmy fell because another child pushed him,' because who is that much of a dick about another toddler? You just wouldn't register it as anything meaningful.

I grant, if there were a regular pattern of one child being over-rough, or one child getting hurt, that would be very different. But one toddler doing something daft and another one getting hurt? That's toddlers.

@Russell19 eek! I honestly hadn't considered that. Thank you

@JassyRadlett actually made me lol! Today is improving!