to still be completely floored by my daughter leaving for university?

[NaturallyOccurring]

I honestly barely know what to write here. If you'd asked me before dd left, I would have said how much I was looking forward to her being independent and going off and doing her own thing but the reality has been horrendous.

I'm a single parent, I work full time, I travel for my job, I have lots of friends, I don't have a partner and have 2 dcs. Dd who is 1st year at university and ds who is 1st year sixth form and as close to monosyllabic and a hermit as he could be.

I didn't realise how much of my life dd was filling. Every work day I would let the dcs know which train I was coming back on so they knew when I was home. Dd would then always come downstairs when I was back and we would have a chat about her day. She'd stay with me while I cooked dinner and then the 3 of us would sit around the table and eat. Generally then ds would go upstairs and dd and I would watch something on TV and then we'd go to bed.

I don't text the train any more as ds honestly isn't bothered when I come back, he doesn't come down when I get home, he's never watched TV, half the time he tries to eat his dinner upstairs and when he does stay downstairs, he literally eats as quickly as possible then goes back to his room so I probably get 5 minutes of him every night.

It's a huge gaping hole in my life that I didn't realise she was filling. Just that whole how was your day and someone to sit and watch telly with. I had tried very hard to make sure dd wasn't filling the role of a partner but I realise with hindsight that she was probably doing just that! How do I move out of this hole?

I actually went to see a counsellor who said that this time of life is incredibly hard on single parents who don't have partners - I have set up everything I need (friends, work etc.) and I just need to give it time but it still bloody hurts!

I feel for you.

But please still send the texts to your DS. You might drive him further away if you give up on him.

Why don't you have a word with your DS? Tell him you're lonely and could do with a wee bit of time with him, that you're missing chatting to him.

I have just one at home at the moment and he spends a lot of time upstairs playing on the Xbox etc, but he comes down for dinner, we chat, then clear up together. He eventually wanders back up to his Xbox, and I watch TV.

Oh love that sounds hard! I don’t have any better advice than just giving it time but I can imagine how difficult it feels at the moment. I would plan as much fun stuff for yourself as you can for the next few months to give you lots to look forward to.

Why has my post been hidden? I was just expressing sympathy with the OP!

Sorry to hear you're struggling. I don't have any answers but would a combination of the following help your transition - I expect you're doing these anyway.

1. Plan some fun activities for when your DD returns.
2. Try to contact your daughter regularly (but not too much!) - possibly post her a book, iTunes voucher, chocolate.
3. Think how to get your DS to engage better - not easy I realise but if he plans to be off to university or work in a couple of years then what could you do together to help him - possibly (make) help him learn to cook in the evening so you spend time together while teaching him. What would he hate the least to do together outside the house?
4. Try and schedule something with friends or work at the weekend or in the evening.

I've realised how much I rely on my DD and DDog. Scary.

Good luck.
4) Plan some fun for the evenings and weekends while your DD is away.

thanks - I will do that with ds, that's a good idea. I shouldn't give up on him just because he's a bit harder work.

I haven't told him I'm lonely but you're right I should.

I find myself really getting concerned about him leaving (which is next year!) so I'm trying very hard not to show that anxiety to him. I don't want my dc leaving and then having to worry about me if you know what I mean!

teaching him how to cook is a good idea - I think I need a project for home. I'm quite introvert so although I do go out what I think is a lot (I'm out 3 nights this week though that is unusual), it's more that gaping silence in the house. The house just suddenly feels less inviting!

Your relationship with your DS isn’t good enough. I suggest the two of you see a counsellor.

your post is back 'Stowe'!

Maria, me and ds are fine. We actually do stuff together (we go to sporting events) but he's just not interested in talking to me and doesn't really do small talk! I don't think we have a bad relationship, we just have a very different one to me and dd.

I'm on this journey NaturallyOccurring and it is hard. I'm a single mum too and one of my DC went to uni last year and the next will most likely go next year. The empty feeling frightens me a bit and I sometimes find myself talking out loud in the kitchen, like a complete nutter!!!!!

I have realised I need to think about me a bit more and make plans for things to do and pick up friendships a bit more.

I don't think there is a particularly easy way through this, just like I found adjusting to motherhood really hard in the early days. I suspect it will be a day at a time job and sometimes I'll feel a bit lonely and crappy but other times I'll enjoy my own company or time with friends / colleagues / random strangers etc.

Mine are the other way around, DS is the eldest, and I know that not having DD around will be tougher in some ways as she is a chatterbox. That said DS phones or texts most days whereas I suspect DD won't. So who knows.

Big hug to you. No real advice from me there, just empathising really.

I sympathise so much, although I am at home with DH and monosyllabic DS, so not the same.

I didn't realise quite how much the conversations that I had with DD differed from the type of conversation I have with the men. She finds the same things funny and interesting, and I really miss the day to day banter.

We find Whatsapp great for little snippets of conversation and for sending pictures. You an reply whenever you want to, or not at all, and she loves being kept up to date with family stuff.

thank you so much for the empathy - you're right about the different nature of conversations

so my plan is

1. Tell ds that a few times a week, he will cook dinner with me so he learns how to do it properly (he's not bad but it would do him good!)
2. I'll try keep in contact with dd a bit more - we agreed to try and speak once a week but it doesn't always happen
3. I think I should maybe try and invite friends round? I haven't done a lot of that as I've always been so focused on working and then getting home for the dcs but maybe it's time to try and do this more often...

I feel a lot better knowing that I'm not an idiot for feeling this way so thanks for all your posts xx

Yes I agree with love keep trying with your DS; he'll come out of his monosyllabic stage eventually. And I think it is hard, even for people with partners when their DC leave for uni (I know my DM found it really hard). But it'll get easier and maybe now is the time to focus more on yourself, friends, hobbies whatever. Try and distract yourself (and you can go and visit your DD as soon as she is ready for that). It'll be a period of adjustment for a while yet probably (for her as well as you).

Do you have any pets OP? I think being "needed" is very much part of being human, perhaps particularly for women who are very socialised into 'serving' other people. I know the mad cat lady is a bit of a stereotype, but I think there is a good reason why single people often find having pets a very comforting and fulfilling thing. My dogs go crazy with happiness when any of us comes home and when they're away I really miss that! My kids aren't half as bothered Maybe a dog isn't the right choice if you're working, although doggy day care/dog walkers are a good alternative. But what about a cat or house rabbit?

I still desperately miss my dd too, she's been boarding since 16 and I know it's her dream job pathway but it hurts. My other older dd is at home but it's not the same.

Perhaps also try to find something for you that doesn't revolve around DS or DD? I mean this in the kindest way, but you also need to live and enjoy your own life.

DH's mother found it very difficult to let go when her son's moved out and still hasn't come to terms with him now living 90mins away, despite it being over a decade. She states she lives for him coming to visit and guilts us into it. I'm not suggesting that you'll get like that (please don't!), but for me the saddest thing is that she has never seemed to live her life, just waits for one of her son's to periodically slot her into theirs.

OK, DS doesn't come down when you get home ... but you could pop up, knock on his door, say "hello, I'm back, how was your day?". You might only get a grunt, but it's making contact with a human as you come in, rather than coming in to a house that might as well be empty.

I agree with Gentleman. Please don't become that mother who lives through her children, it will consume you and it's not much fun for them either. I know it's a bit late now but I think you have to plan for your child leaving home in the same way you do when waiting for them to be born. You know your life will change so change with it. Plan things, get out of your comfort zone, try new things. I know it's not easy as I'm an anxious, nervous person but you have to start to make a new way of life.

Yes it's lovely all being together as a family but those amazing children you raised will want to go out into the world and you should want that for them. With the greatest respect, I think you have leaned on your DD for company and I do sympathise. Enjoy your son while he's still at home but start thinking about your future and the changes you will make, it's the only way forward.

I actually know how you feel but for me it's the opposite way round! My DS was always the one who would come down and chat etc. I get on well with my DD but she's a lot more insular and says herself she struggles with "small talk". When my DS left I really missed him but we do skype a couple of times a week usually, which really helps (he's abroad). Also once or twice a week me and DD will have dinner together and watch a movie, is that something you could do with your DS? I've also started skyping my Dsis (she lives at the other end of the country) as it just feels more "connected" than phone calls.

YANBU. Chatting with my DD is one of the loveliest parts of my day and I shall really miss her when she moves out.

Sounds like our house. But I have a dh. But I knew things would change just not how much it would affect me. I increased my hours at work and Ds rarely is the chatterbox she is.

I would keep texting your Ds to keep the communication open x

I don't have your experience, but I do have experience of being socially isolated, in my case by a (fortunately) temporary illness that left me unable to leave my house.

While I think the advice to engage more with your son is excellent, I would point out that he will also leave home soon. You don't just want to kick the can down the road for a while. I think starting to do more with friends, hobby groups etc may offer you a sustainable social network for the future!

Once I was better, it took me a couple of years to start building relationships, and a couple of years further to really cement them. It is a process. Hang in there and keep trying. You got this.

Find your tribe op! If you can maybe start going to a club or a group just an hour a week to meet new people. What are your interests? I think its important to make your life as fulfilling as possible. My sister in laws mum does mosiacs at home and has started going to a monthly writing group. She lives alone and it fills her time, makes her happy. There must be something op, that you would love to do.

The dc will still be in your life but things are moving on now. Obvs your ds is still at home but he will leave one day too. Its not going to be worse, just different. She will be home for the holidays so mabe plan some fun stuff to do then.

Do you have a family WhatsApp group for the three of you? We use ours every day and keep,in touch with the DC who are away from home.

It’s ok that you don’t feel how you thought you’d feel & that you miss DD🌷. It’s nice that you actually miss her & are not just feeling lonely, although that’s obviously part of it.

I can be very quiet, I really don’t do small talk and so I guess I’m much more like your DS than your DD. I’m happy in my own company and I have to make ‘an effort’ to ‘be company’ to others. I’m happy to DO something though, if someone suggests something interesting/fun. I love playing cards/board games or making something. Is there anything you think your DS would actually enjoy doing like that? You could learn how to do play chess or backgammon or something.

In my case it wouldn’t be YOU, it’s just I’d rather rather be doing my own thing than ‘chatting & watching tv’, but I’d enjoy doing something if you suggested it.

As for DD, try WhatsApp just sending things you think she’ll find funny/interesting/whatever. Tell her about your day etc. Just don’t continually ask about her day/what she’s doing etc. Make it light.

Plus, yes, inviting friends to your house so that it feels like somewhere you want to be again 🌷🥂