to still be completely floored by my daughter leaving for university?

[NaturallyOccurring]

I honestly barely know what to write here. If you'd asked me before dd left, I would have said how much I was looking forward to her being independent and going off and doing her own thing but the reality has been horrendous.

I'm a single parent, I work full time, I travel for my job, I have lots of friends, I don't have a partner and have 2 dcs. Dd who is 1st year at university and ds who is 1st year sixth form and as close to monosyllabic and a hermit as he could be.

I didn't realise how much of my life dd was filling. Every work day I would let the dcs know which train I was coming back on so they knew when I was home. Dd would then always come downstairs when I was back and we would have a chat about her day. She'd stay with me while I cooked dinner and then the 3 of us would sit around the table and eat. Generally then ds would go upstairs and dd and I would watch something on TV and then we'd go to bed.

I don't text the train any more as ds honestly isn't bothered when I come back, he doesn't come down when I get home, he's never watched TV, half the time he tries to eat his dinner upstairs and when he does stay downstairs, he literally eats as quickly as possible then goes back to his room so I probably get 5 minutes of him every night.

It's a huge gaping hole in my life that I didn't realise she was filling. Just that whole how was your day and someone to sit and watch telly with. I had tried very hard to make sure dd wasn't filling the role of a partner but I realise with hindsight that she was probably doing just that! How do I move out of this hole?

I actually went to see a counsellor who said that this time of life is incredibly hard on single parents who don't have partners - I have set up everything I need (friends, work etc.) and I just need to give it time but it still bloody hurts!

I would suggest a cat. They watch tv with you in a very supportive way.

OP "I don't want my dc leaving and then having to worry about me if you know what I mean!"

agree. Please don't be that parent. It's awful to be the child of that/those parent/s.

I know exactly how you feel. My daughter would jump into the car after school and relay every single detail of her day, stand in the kitchen while I was cooking and dissect every party. When she left my son would sit in silence in the car and run upstairs! They are three years apart and after a year he became a little more chatty and I actually realised he could get a word in when she was around. I took to lying on his bed reading a book while he was studying and even learned to play fifa in order to interact with him. Now hes gone too I'm quite happy as I've rediscovered my own life. Trust me it gets easier.

naturallyoccuring just wanted to send you love. My daughter moved out on Saturday, she has spent last four years travelling and being at university, but this feels different because she probably won't live with me again. I'm so happy to have raised a confident woman who is ready to be independent. My eldest has lived away for three years and I still have two teenage boys at home. I work and live a full life, but I'm shocked at how low I feel. My teenagers are great and have been giving me cuddles, but my relationship with my daughter is special in it's own way and will continue to be special, but in a different way. I'll be fine and you will be fine too, but I'm being kind to myself and I think you should be too. Hope it helps to know that others know how you feel x

There’s a fair chance she will be back in 3 years! (Not suggesting this is a good thing!)

My DD1 has been gone 4 years now, but she came home a lot during university (to see the dog) and still calls and texts a lot, and we do stuff together. It’s about finding a balance. I still really miss her company though.

I wonder about this. And I already talk to myself, the dc's keep commenting on it.

I’m more worried about when she meets someone and gets married. I think that’s when the real separation will start.

FFS
OP isn't being that parent. She just misses her daughter!

Lucy OP said, as per my quote, that she doesn't want to be that parent

I am agreeing with her

:) thank you all for being so kind! If you knew me in real life you just wouldn't believe that I felt this way and I think that's what has taken me by surprise. People keep saying 'but you have such a busy life' and I do, but it's that walking through the door and knowing she isn't there!

It has actually made me feel better knowing that others have felt the same. I just need to keep on going, I will work on ds a bit you're right, I probably let that slide a bit and will start making the house a home for me and have people round which I had neglected.

You seem to have a lovely relationship with your daughter and I can understand your sadness at her leaving but in all honesty, how much have you invested in your relationship with your son? He sounds very depressed from your OP. How do you try to communicate with him?

Aw Naturally its so helpful to talk about these things, I know I'll have a taste of this come September; I have two DDs, the youngest has had awful MH issues this past year but seems to be in recovery - when DD18 leaves in September I know we will both miss her terribly as we do rely on her for so many things, she's like our family glue. I think younger DD is going to suffer the most. I wonder if your DS is missing his sister too?

But also longer term its a point to ponder; I am planning to split with their father and then it will just be me and DD2 (and the dog) in a new house, I'll be waiting to see if DD1 will return, and if DD2 will leave for uni herself if she's up to it. And then I might be living alone which I never expected at my time of life - contemplating the future. But I think life will be in a state of flux for some years if you have student DCs - you never know, the way house prices rental etc is your eldest might be back in her room in 2 years time!!

You can’t predict how you’re going to feel about something till it happens . And there’s no right or wrong way to feel about this. It’s a big change and it would be strange to not feel there’s a big DD shaped hole in the house right now.

A fair proportion of teenage boys are monosyllabic at your DSs age but definitely keep sending the texts about your eta etc. He’s might be a grunty teen but even though he won’t or can’t express it, it may well feel strange to him too having his sister leaving and something as familiar as this evening text might be more important than you think.

Could you set up a WhatsApp group for the 3 of you. It doesn’t need to be non stop messages because that might not be helpful or appreciated but just a few photos or funny/interesting bits and pieces you think they might like. I send Daily Mash articles and pics of odd/funny instructions or signs etc as well as a few pics.

It’s absolutely ok to feel how you’re feeling and very normal. Mine are now married and have families of their own and l still mess them and the GC a lot but WhatsApp, visiting and doing stuff that I enjoy that has nothing to do with family, really helps. It will get easier but at first it can just feel really odd and sad.

I meant to say don’t just set up a family WhatsApp but check what they think first.

I felt a gap when my youngest went off to university and increased my gym attendance so I do classes two nights a week. Healthy exhaustion is a good distraction.

@NaturallyOccuring Your DC are not your partners. They are kids and will eventually leave the nest permanently.

What you need is a companion, so you're not leaning on them as much for things that a life partner is for. Don't be one of those mothers that has their nose constantly in their children's lives with their families when they have left home, because you're lonely.

You say you have friends etc, why not reach out to them for an activity or club of something you're mutually interested in. Use this as an opportunity to discover something new.

You seem like to have a solid relationship with your daughter. Perhaps this has been at the expense of your son? Perhaps find out what is going on in his life and try to build a relationship.

Hope I don't come across as evil or rude, not my intention at all. Just taking a critical viewpoint based on what's written. Perfectly normal to feel a gap with your daughter gone. Monosyllabic teens - also normal. But they appreciate it when you do. He will notice that you did it when his sister is there and when she's not.

I think it's difficult when they are older teens and you're a lone parent, especially at stressful times like exam periods / mocks because you can't just disappear off and leave them to fend for themselves, but they're not necessarily interacting with you either. I spend a lot of time at home with DD here but not interacting with me, or around because she needs picking up. I think once she's gone I'll happily go to the gym after work / attend evening classes / see friends, but at the moment those things are just too much to do regularly alongside the demands of work and family and the usual household stuff. I also worry about whether the house will seem empty and quiet without her when she leaves but also feel I'll be more in control of my time to do something about it. I used to do a lot of socialising with other families as well when she was younger, but that also drops of when they're teens, which doesn't help with the isolation.

It's always a shock when a chapter of your life closes. You have been raising your DC for close to two decades - of course there will be a hole and adjustments needed. The social groups and the family WhatsApp suggestion is a good one. I would also consider a new direction to celebrate your achievement: two happy, healthy young adults flying into the world! Do something a little crazy such 8th day adventure club, grabbing a group of friends for a weekend away or getting a llama (just joking).

I have two DSs of the type you describe. Finding specific programmes that I can watch with them individually has worked well and they do spend more time downstairs with me now. I also phone friends or meet up during the week for a quick catch up.

Oh dear I literally can feel your pain!!!Our circumstances are different,it's my son who is now 3 hrs away but I am married and still have 2 teen daughters at home.But please hear me when I say you are not alone!!I have a very dear friend who has recently experienced several losses in and she finally pointed out to me that I am grieving the "loss" of my son.And you are too!!Obviously we know they aren't gone but it truly feels that way.
*I am so sorry you are right in the middle of this,I'm here with you.I hope it gets better for you very soon.You are obviously a great mom.❤

I can relate totally ... and I'm not even what you would consider a very mumsy mum!
My eldest will be going off to uni this year if she passes her final exams and I am going to miss her so much. Not just on a practical level (I am a single parent, so occasionally pay her to babysit etc), but on an emotional one too.
We're very close. She has high functioning autism and finds friendships hard, so spends much of her time in her bedroom. But the laughs we have! I love her so much.
I'm very proud of her for wanting to take this step to move away from home. She is getting well and truly out of her comfort zone!
I really, really hope it all works out for her.