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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Let him leave and be free

69 replies

Brumbee6 · 16/04/2019 08:02

Hello il try and keep it short and sweet

Been seeing a guy for a while now, hes nice enough but lately I've had enough and I need an outsiders opinion.

He comes over to stay at my place sometimes but lately hes been here all the time. Every day and night to the point it's like he has moved himself in. I have a toddler that I spend my days cleaning up destruction from but I actually find my days full of chores now. I cant sit down because I'm either doing errands, cleaning after child and him, he leaves his washing on floor, dishes out, recycling and trash on counters instead of bins.
He either stays in bed all day until the afternoon when hes not working or sits on his laptop or in front of the TV.
The only thing he does lately which is of any use is he will throw abit of money at me. Rarely tidy after himself.

I had to stay at my parents house for a few days and then I want to do some decorating. I told him to pack his stuff up and go back to where he lives. Anyway he messaged me saying hes upset I went to stay at my parents because it's time alone we could of had!

So long story short I went mad at him, told him I spend enough time with him lately, confronted him about how messy he is and our alone time is essentially me doing jobs and him doing nothing. Hes upset that I find things to do at the weekends when my child is with their dad.
Well he doesnt want to leave the house, hes got no motivation to do anything! Frankly I'm so sick of seeing him I enjoy moments I can be away from him.

I told him I wont isolate myself from.friends and family, if he doesnt like it it's tough.
Hes been ignoring me on and off for a few days now.
Am I being unreasonable for feeling like this and should I just let things fizzle out?

OP posts:

Miffymeow · 16/04/2019 09:38

Also he is very controlling, trying to cut you off from friends and family? Emotional blackmail with the threatening self harm? My ex tried that one. Get it done and if he contacts you telling you that he is going to/has hurt himself, don't go round there yourself, don't invite him over, don't have a conversation with him, call the police and send them to him. Rinse and repeat, he is only attention seeking and when he realises the response he gets he will stop.
If you tell him to leave your place and he won't, also call the police.
This relationship is not going anywhere good I promise.

SilverySurfer · 16/04/2019 09:39

Ugh. Why are you even thinking about it - get rid of the parasitic lump. Ignore all threats and chuck him and his possessions out the door.

Nanny0gg · 16/04/2019 09:49

I cannot understand why you're asking

And be much firmer next time

RoseMartha · 16/04/2019 15:09

In response to your later post.

I was threatened verbally a few times this week and basically they use it as a control thing. The threats he gave me he has not carried out yet. I have learnt they especially do this when they feel they are losing control over you.

You need to get him out your house and end the relationship. It is hard but it will be easier for you to do this now than a few years down the line.

Cocobean30 · 16/04/2019 15:17

*Hes threatened to harm himself in the past when this has arisen that's why I want it to fizzle. I dont want anything that happens to him on my conscience I guess. I know it wouldnt be my fault if anything happened but I dont know its abit tricky has anyone had experience with this? He is the kind of person who is likely to do something stupid to himself not others. Hes only really a threat to himself

OP I have been in this exact position, my ex was emotionally abusive, when I tried to break up with him he would threaten to kill himself, sent me pics of him cutting his wrists or arms/ thighs down to the fat, threatening to stab himself with a nail gun. This stopped me for almost a year but eventually I dumped him, blocked him on everything and he still attempted to sent shit to me through my sister. He is still alive, it is just emotional blackmail!! He has no intention of harming himself, so don’t let him trap you. I understand the guilt, I had panicked attacks worrying about it. But honestly it’s just threats. Put yourself and your daughter first, he is a waste of space.

Rockmysocks · 16/04/2019 15:42

Marie kondo declutter principles - he should be useful or spark joy. He does neither. He goes.

Pinkmonkeybird · 16/04/2019 15:51

Ugh he sounds delightful, NOT. Please get rid of him to save your own sanity and get someone who isn't a lazy little gobshite.

JenniferJareau · 18/04/2019 06:50

Hes threatened to harm himself in the past when this has arisen that's why I want it to fizzle. I dont want anything that happens to him on my conscience I guess.

If he does do anything to himself, that will be his decision, nothing to do with you.

He threatens it as he knows it will make you stay. It is just another way to control you.

YouJustDoYou · 18/04/2019 07:01

Emotional blackmail is vile. He needs to go.

Shoxfordian · 18/04/2019 07:25

Dump him, he sounds like a loser
Don't believe any of his manipulative shit about hurting himself either

GinZing · 18/04/2019 07:52

Age old story here, one party wants rid and the other is making it difficult. Don’t let him manipulate you with his threats to harm himself. It’s not fair or a good reason to stay together. Kick his controlling lazy arse into touch OP!

You know he’s not right for you and the breakup is inevitable. Bite the bullet rather than dragging it out OP. You'll thank yourself!

Enjoy the sumner with your toddler and family.

hazell42 · 18/04/2019 08:18

Don't let things fizzle out. Tell him plainly to hit the road.
There ain't no point being subtle with people like him. He will ignore the hints, put his feet up on your furniture and carry on taking you for a mug
Get rid

C0untDucku1a · 18/04/2019 08:23

Omg this is the start if an abusive relationship. Isolation and threats.

Block him and dont let him back in to your house with your child!

If you want it to fizzle, dont let him into your house. If he wants to see you it has to be on a date somewhere. Not his either. Or nothing.

cestlavielife · 18/04/2019 08:26

His choice to harm himself.
Call police 999 if he sends a specific text giving details. Nothing more you can do.

Happynow001 · 18/04/2019 14:21

Hes threatened to harm himself in the past when this has arisen that's why I want it to fizzle. I dont want anything that happens to him on my conscience I guess.
So he's blackmailing you OP?
He is an adult and responsible for his own actions.

At the moment all you seem to get from this "relationship" is negativity.

He gets pretty much what he wants (time and care for him in your home) from the current situation and will work on the rest (eg trying to control your time with friends and family). He won't pay attention to your (undeclared?) wish for things to fizzle out so you need to take the initiative.

Be firm and get him out of your life and home and change the locks ASAP afterwards.

He is not adding anything positive to your life so why delay the inevitable?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 18/04/2019 14:26

Dear lord, you've definitely done the right thing!

He sounds like a right fun sponge. Let me sit on his arse and fester at this place.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 18/04/2019 14:27

Sorry, just read your update. So he's emotionally blackmailing you now too!? He's shown you his true colours.

Don't let it 'fizzle out'. Tell him quite clearly to FUCK OFF.

His mental health is not your responsibility.

TheGrapefulDread · 18/04/2019 17:42

Put your child first not this manipulator. OUT : No fizzle.

Honeyroar · 18/04/2019 17:48

Has he left your house at the moment? I hope so. Under no circumstances let him come back. I highly doubt he would harm himself, it’s just a threat to control you, but as people have said, contact the police about him if he does say it again.

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