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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Let him leave and be free

69 replies

Brumbee6 · 16/04/2019 08:02

Hello il try and keep it short and sweet

Been seeing a guy for a while now, hes nice enough but lately I've had enough and I need an outsiders opinion.

He comes over to stay at my place sometimes but lately hes been here all the time. Every day and night to the point it's like he has moved himself in. I have a toddler that I spend my days cleaning up destruction from but I actually find my days full of chores now. I cant sit down because I'm either doing errands, cleaning after child and him, he leaves his washing on floor, dishes out, recycling and trash on counters instead of bins.
He either stays in bed all day until the afternoon when hes not working or sits on his laptop or in front of the TV.
The only thing he does lately which is of any use is he will throw abit of money at me. Rarely tidy after himself.

I had to stay at my parents house for a few days and then I want to do some decorating. I told him to pack his stuff up and go back to where he lives. Anyway he messaged me saying hes upset I went to stay at my parents because it's time alone we could of had!

So long story short I went mad at him, told him I spend enough time with him lately, confronted him about how messy he is and our alone time is essentially me doing jobs and him doing nothing. Hes upset that I find things to do at the weekends when my child is with their dad.
Well he doesnt want to leave the house, hes got no motivation to do anything! Frankly I'm so sick of seeing him I enjoy moments I can be away from him.

I told him I wont isolate myself from.friends and family, if he doesnt like it it's tough.
Hes been ignoring me on and off for a few days now.
Am I being unreasonable for feeling like this and should I just let things fizzle out?

OP posts:
RoseMartha · 16/04/2019 08:49

This relationship is not healthy. I am trying to get out of abusive marriage and it is taking everything i have got and i dont just mean money wise. It is dragging on and on. So please get out of this while you can. You should not have to leave your home to have space from him, he needs to go. Have a friend or family member with you for support while you get him to leave.

pictish · 16/04/2019 08:50

Box up whatever stuff lying around that belongs to him, deliver the box and the news and don’t let him back in.

“We want different things from life and a relationship. We’re not compatible and it’s not going to work for me. I bear you no I’ll will and certainly hope you meet someone who reads from the same page as you in the future. Bye now.”

You’ll get accused of being a bitch, cold-hearted, a user...etc. You’re not, so don’t worry.
He’ll get over it when he next finds somewhere to park his flaccid arse.

lifebegins50 · 16/04/2019 08:53

How long have you been together? Hd has moved in by stealth which is completely unacceptable.

What is stopping you dumping him?

PickAChew · 16/04/2019 08:53

Get rid. He's a possessive leech and wants you to be his mum.

StealthPolarBear · 16/04/2019 08:53

Why wouldn't you dump him? What does he add to your life? At this stage you should want to be together all the time. The fact you don't suggests he's not adding anything positive to your life

TheFaerieQueene · 16/04/2019 08:54

He must have a golden dick to have gotten away with such crap behaviour.

whyohwhyowhydididoit · 16/04/2019 08:56

Why would you put up with this? There are plenty of nice men out there. Why are you letting this lazy, dull, selfish, fun sponge of a man treat you like an underpaid house maid?

Send his sorry arse back to his own home, change the locks, send him a kindly text saying it’s over and then crack on with your life.

Original poster
Brumbee6 · 16/04/2019 09:04

Hes threatened to harm himself in the past when this has arisen that's why I want it to fizzle. I dont want anything that happens to him on my conscience I guess. I know it wouldnt be my fault if anything happened but I dont know its abit tricky has anyone had experience with this? He is the kind of person who is likely to do something stupid to himself not others. Hes only really a threat to himself

OP posts:
sevenyears · 16/04/2019 09:07

It’s not going to fizzle if he is practically living in your house.

It’s up to him if he does anything to himself. If he threatens tell him to see a doctor or call the police.

Thehop · 16/04/2019 09:07

No don’t let it fizzle out. Fully fledged dump this tosser and get his shot out of your house!!! Now!!!!

sevenyears · 16/04/2019 09:09

And yes I have had experience of this. On one occasion I called the police when ex disappeared after making threats and wouldn’t respond to calls from family. He was very angry with me but hasn’t done it since.

Preggosaurus9 · 16/04/2019 09:09

So what if he does harm himself? He's an adult and that would be his choice!

Emotional blackmail. Get rid!

OurChristmasMiracle · 16/04/2019 09:12

Oh god. Get out now. You prefer being away from him. He therefore clearly doesn’t make you happy. The early days in particular should be a buzz of happiness and excitement. And you should WANT to spend time with him; I’m not saying isolate yourself but you should want to make time especially when it’s just the 2 of you.

Please dump him.

BigChocFrenzy · 16/04/2019 09:14

This emotional blackmail could last the rest of your life, not just his

Don't waste the best years of your life on a manchild who is only a burden

Pack up his things and lock him out

EmeraldShamrock · 16/04/2019 09:16

He is smothering you, he is feeding off you like a parasite.
The positive is he didn't hide it so you seen his true colours early.
Don't just take back the key, change the locks too.

pinkyredrose · 16/04/2019 09:18

He's a controlling tosser. Just pack his stuff and put it outside. Does he have a key?

Dieu · 16/04/2019 09:22

Get rid (phone the police if necessary), and work on your relationship boundaries and expectations, so that this never happens again Thanks

pictish · 16/04/2019 09:26

Lots of women have experienced the suicide threat. My first serious relationship ended up with this sting in its tail. Fortunately I was so certain that it needed to end that I was actually quite practical in the event. I got the miserable, tearful phone call saying he was going to take an overdose. I got off the phone as soon as I could and called the police, explaining the scenario. They went round to check on him and of course, he had done no such thing.
He didn’t try it again after that.

You don’t emotionally blackmail someone into a relationship like that unless you’re a piece of bloody work. Who would want a partner who was there under threat? That’s not love, it’s possession.

If he threatens his life, call the police and let them deal with him.

frenchonion · 16/04/2019 09:27

Fizzle won't work with someone this entitled, cheeky and thick. The threats of self harm are empty. And if he does (he won't!) it is NOT. YOUR FAULT. Swift dump and block, before you get sucked further into the bog of eternal misery. Getting out will be a million times harder. Box his stuff now this minute and get him out. The cheek of it! Laying in bed and moaning that you plan things to do?! Jesus wept. Bloody leach.

frenchonion · 16/04/2019 09:28

And agree with above that if he's threatening suicide, get police to do a welfare check...it is not your problem to deal with.

MrsMozartMkII · 16/04/2019 09:31

Even if he did something, it wouldn't be your fault. It would be his decision. You don't own him. He owns his own actions.

SirGawain · 16/04/2019 09:31

He won't harm himself he's to self centered to do that, he's just using the threat to control you.
Reread your posts. Do you really need to ask if you are being unreasonable?

Miffymeow · 16/04/2019 09:34

Wow he sounds like an absolute treat... kick him out and get rid! Give him the old Marie Kondo treatment... he brings you no joy, out he goes.

Troels · 16/04/2019 09:35

Shove all his crap in a box and tell him to sod off. He won't hurt himself he's using that line to keep you in place, he'll go looking for the next sap to take him in. If he refuses to go call the police. Nasty lazy arse that he is. Make sure he doesn't have a key.

pictish · 16/04/2019 09:35

Honestly OP, the more you reveal of him, the more it becomes clear that he’s a common garden sack of shit that ticks all the wanker boxes on the list.

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