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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think dh is a f*%+ing AH for calling me lazy early pregnancy for lying around on holiday?

58 replies

Mamabear12 · 15/04/2019 22:35

I am furious. Basically pregnant with 3rd dc. Very early stages (just got positive yesterday) and husband calls me lazy for taking a nap and lying in bed most of the afternoon? I woke 6:30am got kids ready for breakfast, took them to beach and pool. Had them all morning while he stayed in the room working. Then he took over. Took my son to golf and was Carless not watching him so ds got hit in the head with a golf ball. So I got mad at that. Ds has dilated pupils etc. I’ve called reception to send a doctor as his pupils are different size so I’m a little concerned. Other then that he is fine. So anyway, he keeps saying how lazy I am etc. I am furious. He hasn’t asked once how I feel since finding out. In my last pregnancies he treated me as normal. I wish he would at least be more caring or thoughtful when I’m pregnant! So now I’m sitting next to my sleeping son waiting for the doctor to come and I’m furious. Please, help calm me down. This anxiety over my son/ anger at my husband for calling me lazy and acting like I’m crazy for wanting the doctor to look at him.

OP posts:
HBStowe · 16/04/2019 05:29

My dh in the other room saying we will never go on holiday again unless I cancel the doctor.

This is by far and away the worst part imo. Why is he blackmailing you into not seeking medical help for your son? That’s so unacceptable, no wonder you are so upset. He has been absolutely awful.

blackcat86 · 16/04/2019 05:41

You need to be telling him that he's doing half the wakes to check on DS. Otherwise you'll be leaving as soon as it's safe to with DCs and he can find somewhere else to live when you get home. I had a horrific pregnancy with DD from start to finish and remember those early days when DH was laid up with severe IBS pains and the in laws who desperately wanted me to get pregnant and promised so much support were no where to be seen. I worked full time, came home and cleaned, and sorted DH out. It was exhausting. Rally any support you can when you're back home. I certainly would next time.

wizzler · 16/04/2019 06:09

Hope your ds is ok this morning. Tenby

PregnantSea · 16/04/2019 06:15

I was SOOO bloody tired in my first trimester. I slept in late, had naps and still went to bed early. It was crazy.

Your husband is being a complete arse. You need to sit him down and explain to him that this is how it will be for a while. You are growing a human inside you and it takes a real toll on your body. Not that you should need to explain this since it's your 3rd DC lol... Hmm

HJWT · 16/04/2019 06:34

My DH would say "Your 5 minutes pregnant" 🤣 he nearly got a smack in the mouth when he said that to me! X

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/04/2019 06:42

Your not so dh is pathetic. You’re growing a human. It’s usually very tiring in the first few months that’s because progesterone rises sharply to prevent miscarriage. Biology see. You’d have thought he would have learnt by now seeing as this is no 3.

Is he generally a good dad apart from this? Just wondering if this is a planned pregnancy or a surprise for you both.

SileneOliveira · 16/04/2019 07:22

We went to Portugal when I was newly pregnant with my third. I was in bed about 8pm every night and dozing during the day. Never been so dog tired in my life.

YANBU and hope you're feeling less wiped out soon.

LividLaughLove · 16/04/2019 07:32

Is he normally like this?

Because unless it’s wxtremely out of character, as a result of stress, I’d be wondering why I was spending my life like that.

Hope your boy is ok today.

AJPTaylor · 16/04/2019 07:53

If he was like this in your other 2 pregnancies yabu to expect any difference this time round.

CalleighDoodle · 16/04/2019 07:54

i didnt want a third and i frequently said i wouldnt want the first 3 months of pregnancy or the first three months with a newborn again! they are the most difficult parts.

his reaction to you calling out a doctor was clearly he wanted to hide the fact he was the cause of an injury, which is a bit of a worry.

he generally sounds like a dickhead.

was this baby planned? has dh suddenly become intolerant? was he a hands off dad who now doesnt like to have to take over?

Sexnotgender · 16/04/2019 07:55

Never go on holiday again unless you cancel the doctor?

Is he usually such a cunt? That’s appalling.

Shoxfordian · 16/04/2019 07:56

He sounds like a knob
Hope your son is ok

Bagpuss5 · 16/04/2019 07:59

Was he taking out his worry about DS, and his anger at himself for not taking better care, out on you. Hence the unreasonable anger.

Nanny0gg · 16/04/2019 08:01

I hope your ds is ok.

But if your husband wasn't good in your last two pregnancies he isn't going to change now.
And he's being a total are over the accident. Not wanting to pay is unforgiveable

DocusDiplo · 16/04/2019 08:05

AH indeed.

Quartz2208 · 16/04/2019 08:06

I hope your son is feeling better DD had a similar accident and got concussion so I know how scary it is

I also think your husband was v unfair but I do also think being mad at him for being careless in what I assume was an accident is also a little unfair

HopefulAgain10 · 16/04/2019 08:11

If he was like this in your other 2 pregnancies yabu to expect any difference this time round.

Exactly! What are you complaining for if you know exactly what he is like. Typical.

Prequelle · 16/04/2019 08:14

Yanbu.

I'm early pregnant and I'm exhausted. I envy people who don't have to work because I feel like crying at the end of a long day I'm so tired. If after all that DP called me lazy, I would crack up

Degustibusnonestdisputandem1 · 16/04/2019 08:20

He's an idiot. I will never forget the deep, bone aching tiredness of early pregnancy with my DTDs. I was falling asleep at the drop of a hat!

Original poster
Mamabear12 · 16/04/2019 08:32

I checked on my son through out the night and thankfully he woke fine. One pupil still slightly bigger. But doctor said some people can have pupils like that and to keep monitoring close for 3 days as sometimes there can be delays. Thankfully my son feels fine. But I’ll continue to watch close. Not sure why my husband reacts like this. He is always careless when things go wrong with the kids and says I over react. All the kids are his. Our son is the spitting image of him. I probably wanted a third more then him. But he agreed to it and we had been trying for several months. Bc my last two pregnancies were so easy (except for being tired w the second one the early weeks) he never treats me any different like asking how I am etc. He is also from a culture that treat women like men. Very equal. Which is fine fair enough. But when I’m pregnant, I do think I should get extra consideration like he should say sleep all you want, rest etc. Not that I’m so lazy. 😡😡😡😡

At the moment I’m so mad at him. I want to enjoy this pregnancy. Not feel so angry I can’t. And also, I get anxiety worrying over my son. Argh! I just wish my husband was not so damn careless! For example once my daughter fell and his her head on edge of bricks. He just put her to bed!!! She needed to see a doctor as it was a deep open wound. I didn’t see what happened and he said it was fine. So I wasn’t able to check until morning as he covered it w bandaid. In the morning I saw when I cut the bandaid and took her straight to hospital furious. She had to get it glued shut. Luckily she is fine. Another time, our son got hit by a puppy and was on oral antibiotics but doctor said any swelling take him to emergency. Next day I saw swelling at night. My husband said it’s fine and basically shouted at me not to take him in. I went to ER w my son. The admitted him right away, did xrays, put him on IV antibiotics and he spent 48 hours in hospital! I made my husband come and sleep with him at hospital, as it gives me such anxiety. I came and was with him all day long. Anyway, those are just two examples of husband being careless while my instincts were right. He always fights me on if I want kids seen my a doctor etc. Not that I always take them. I use my judgment. My kids when younger when sick would get high fevers like 40 or 40.5!! I didn’t take them in bc with medicine it went down slightly and they were able to play and drink fluids etc. The first time I brought my dd in and the doctor explained as long as they can play and drink fluids etc. Then high fever is okay. Only if they get floppy etc it’s a problem. So it’s not like I bring the kids in for every reason. My dd only went to ER twice in her life (she is 7). And my son a few more times - bc of finger and once bc his testicle was hurting him, which worried me as he had surgery there months before so I didn’t want to take a chance. And one time when he swallowed a piece of crystal under my husbands watch. 😡

Now I feel like I can’t trust him with the kids at all! Argh.

Okay, I better get going. Have to get kids ready for breakfast. And yes husband just sleeps while I take them down early bc we get hungry and he joins us later. 😡😡😡😡😡 normally I don’t mind. But after he calls me lazy. I’m furious.

OP posts:
bakewelltarty · 16/04/2019 08:34

Reading between the lines - did he call you lazy as you went batshit at him for, in your view, not looking after DS properly? Was it his defence, that he had been doing his best when you were in bed? Basically, is this just an argument or is this his normal behaviour?

Original poster
Mamabear12 · 16/04/2019 08:41

And yes, I get he doesn’t give special treatment to me when pregnant. But last pregnancy, at least I was not called lazy for sleeping! Okay, he was at work so didn’t know I was taking a nap when dd napped. But on holiday he can see me now napping. But in general on a beach holiday I like to lie in the sun, like most people. He also thinks that is lazy. Like I should go to gym and take a run. He is so annoying me right now. Argh.

We had always talked about a third since before we had kids so it was always in the cards. I think he would have been happy w the two. He is a very hands off dad, but he does work long hours. He pays for extra help for me, so I don’t expect him to do what some other dads do. Not all men are so hands on w kids and I get that. He does spend time with kids doing fun things like taking them to circus or to kick the ball in park or golf or swimming. But this is once a week bc he works long hours and is home when they are sleeping already. I have an au pair sometimes (we don’t have them yearly more like months on and months off). So I can have extra pair of hands. But I do everything with kids. I pick them up and spend one or two hours w them in park. Au pair takes over while I go home with the dog and cook dinner. Kids continue to play more. Then she brings them home for dinner. And while I bath kids, she tidies dinner away. Then she will stay with my dd reading and doing French hw w her (she is in bilingual school and I can’t help w this). And I put ds to bed. Then I take over my dd spending another hour w her before she goes to bed. So my husband saying I’m lazy pisses me off. He thinks bc I have help I’m just relaxing all the time. I absolutely don’t. I’m very hands on w kids even with an extra pair of hands in the house.

OP posts:
MariaNovella · 16/04/2019 08:44

Is your DH French?

Bluesmartiesarebest · 16/04/2019 09:09

Your DH sounds awful. Unhelpful, unkind and careless with your DCs. Why did you plan to have another child with him when you knew what he is like? Personally, I’d be planning to leave rather than live with someone like that.

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 16/04/2019 09:18

So you have a DH who doesn’t actually care for his kids enough that he lets them get seriously hurt and then actively refuses to get medical treatment for them? Repeatedly? Bloody hell why are you having a third child with him?