Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I have told her? Should I tell her?

41 replies

FromDespairToHere · 15/04/2019 22:07

Probably more of a WWYD than anything. An old school friend has recently moved back to our small village, where I have never left. I've bumped I to her a few times and she's told me about her wonderful husband, and father of her 3 daughters. How I'd love him because he's such a feminist and a fantastic role model for his girls.

Well tonight I've met him. Yep I did love him. When I went out with him from age 19 till 21 when I realised he was sleeping with everyone and everything, and one night had come home and had sex with me after having been with a prostitute.

He looked as white as a sheet and I actually felt a little sorry for him! I mumbled that it was nice to meet him and I left. I just have no idea what to say, if I say anything at all. We're not in the same social circle but it's a small village, we're going to bump into each other again.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 15/04/2019 22:09

I don't know how long ago that was but assuming it was ages ago then you shouldn't tell anyone or her anything

SquishedPheasant · 15/04/2019 22:09

If this was years ago I would leave it be the past is in the past and all that. Should it be during their marriage period then it's a different story Hmm

Ladysap · 15/04/2019 22:11

Maybe he's changed, it happens. No point causing any issues for her based on your past with him. Leave alone I say.

Ohyesiam · 15/04/2019 22:11

Don’t see why you wouldn’t, ifit comes out later it’ll be weird.

Rachelle11 · 15/04/2019 22:11

How long ago was this? People change. I wouldn't tell him.

bridgetreilly · 15/04/2019 22:11

You don't need to tell her. Either (a) he's changed and is a great husband in which case she doesn't need to know or (b) he hasn't changed at all in which case she'll find out sooner or later anyway.

I mean, I would tell her you went out with him for a bit when you were younger. It would be weird to keep that part secret.

Greeborising · 15/04/2019 22:11

Very awkward 😳
My advice is keep it to yourself, totally to yourself
Don’t share this with someone so it gets out that you are gossiping.
He may have changed (some do) he was a teenager when you knew him.
If he’s still a shitbag she will find out.
Not your place to tell her

GoFiguire · 15/04/2019 22:11

Let him tell her.

madeofstarlight · 15/04/2019 22:11

Oh, that's quite tough! If you're going to be seeing them around a lot it might seem weird that you didn't mention going out with him if she finds out from someone else. However, I definitely wouldn't tell about him sleeping around etc.

PoodleJ · 15/04/2019 22:12

People change. Hopefully he’s changed for the better. Stay out of it and away from them. If you’ve only found out now who he is and he’s had time to have 3 kids with your friend you’re not close at all. She might think that you’re a bit funny but it’s not really worth the hassle of picking up your friendship.

Drum2018 · 15/04/2019 22:12

I wouldn't have hid the fact that I knew him. Why would you bother? It will only make it more awkward the next time you meet and surely other people in the town will know you went out with him if you've always lived there.

LuckyLou7 · 15/04/2019 22:12

I'd say nothing, assuming this was a long time ago. People change, they grow up, they learn to be decent human beings. What would it achieve to tell this woman what her husband was like when he was with you?

Greeborising · 15/04/2019 22:13

Sorry, wasn’t clear
Yes admit to going out with him but offer no opinions about his character or behaviour

caughtinanet · 15/04/2019 22:14

It can't be that small a village if you didn't already know they were married, I lived in a smallish village and there's no way you wouldn't have know if 2 mutual school friends had married each other.

I would assume she's going to find from someone else soon enough so I'd tell her

Wheresmyvagina · 15/04/2019 22:15

Tell her you used to go out, why wouldn't you? The cheating aspect doesn't need to be shared.

Thehogfatherstolemycurry · 15/04/2019 22:15

Surely other people in the village will remember that you and he dated? With this in mind I'd mention that you used to date so she doesn't hear it from someone else. I'd probably miss out his behaviour because that was in the past/ with you not her/ he may have changed and matured.

caughtinanet · 15/04/2019 22:15

I mean tell her you went out with him, not all the gory details

Cwtches123 · 15/04/2019 22:15

Tell her he is an ex before anyone else in the village does. You don't need to go into detail but she is going to be very hurt if you say nothing and she finds out.

CheekyFuckersDontGetPastMe · 15/04/2019 22:18

How long ago since you last dated him?

I’d probably say we dated for a short while and leave it at that.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 15/04/2019 22:21

Let the zombie rest peacefully.
No good will come from waking it up.

CalmdownJanet · 15/04/2019 22:25

Of course you tell her, well half the truth anyway "You caught me off guard the other night when you introduced me to Paul, I actually knew him, truth be told we used to be an item many moons ago. I should probably have said but I was a bit taken a back. It's not a big deal though. You seem happy, it's such a small world, I'm so glad you met and it's worked out for you" - or similar shit minus cheating and prostitues Grin

Original poster
FromDespairToHere · 15/04/2019 22:26

To answer questions, I'm 43 now so well over 20 years ago. She had left to go to uni when I met him and I'd not seen her between school and now. He's not from the village, he's from a nearby town and he's 2 years older.

I'm quite prepared to believe he's changed and I'm not still pining for him or angry at him - it's all so long ago. It was just a major shock!

I think people are right and I'll just mention that we used to go out with each other.

OP posts:
Boom45 · 15/04/2019 22:26

I think my husband is a good bloke, a feminist (but not in a dicky way), and a great dad. None of what you've said is something I'd wanna hear from a friend/ex of my DH apart from the prostitute thing. Lots of people were dicks at 19 and turn into very nice people but if i heard my DH had used prositutes he'd be a different man in my eyes.
If you do tell her that, it's a huge bomb to drop in a relationship in my opinion so be prepared.

Grumpasaurous · 15/04/2019 22:27

If it’s a small village and you went out for 2 years, surely someone will remember and say something anyway.

Pinkyyy · 15/04/2019 22:29

You can tell her you were a couple for a couple of years. His past sex life is for him to share if he should choose to, not you.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.