Should I have told her? Should I tell her?

[FromDespairToHere]

Probably more of a WWYD than anything. An old school friend has recently moved back to our small village, where I have never left. I've bumped I to her a few times and she's told me about her wonderful husband, and father of her 3 daughters. How I'd love him because he's such a feminist and a fantastic role model for his girls.

Well tonight I've met him. Yep I did love him. When I went out with him from age 19 till 21 when I realised he was sleeping with everyone and everything, and one night had come home and had sex with me after having been with a prostitute.

He looked as white as a sheet and I actually felt a little sorry for him! I mumbled that it was nice to meet him and I left. I just have no idea what to say, if I say anything at all. We're not in the same social circle but it's a small village, we're going to bump into each other again.

Mention that you used to go out with him - yes. Better she hears from you than from randoms in the village.

Details - no. Long ago and far away. Not great he slept with a prostitute but lots of people do stupid things when young and you can’t assume he’s the same person now. Even if he is, not your problem

Presumably he will tell her that he used to go out with you.

It would be VERY odd if he didn't.

So you shouldn't have to say anything!

I think its odd that both of you pretended not to know each other. And that's going to be hard to explain. I appreciate you were a bit blindsided by the whole thing, but now it's going to turn into something massive and huge and that's a pity. I think it's worth just saying you did date him and you were so surprised you didn't mention it at the time. Tinkly little laugh and move on.

I shouldn't think many people here will remember my boyfriend from nearly 25 years ago, he never lived here with me although used to stay at mine (my parents) about 3 or 4 nights a week.

I think next time I see her I'll just say about how it was a surprise to see him and I presume he mentioned we went out together a lifetime ago. They have 3 small girls, I think the oldest is about 8 or 9, so no good can come of me raking things over. I dread to think what my own DP got up to when he was younger.

Thanks for your sage advice, ladies. I've had a right shock tonight!

Remember when that happened on the Gilmore Girls, it all came out in the end that Rory had dated someone her girlfriend was now dating. What a shock for you.

I'm quite prepared to believe he's changed and I'm not still pining for him or angry at him - it's all so long ago. It was just a major shock!

For him too! But someone needs to tell her, if you then by all means say you didn’t recognise him at first and on reflection.., you were unsure/taken aback, on the spot but....

the he was sleeping with everyone and everything, and one night had come home and had sex with me after having been with a prostitute. bit I would definately leave out! That is his story to tell.

Village life-everyone knows everybody’s business, the reason that, although I would love to live near all my family, I will never move back.

Blimey!

Are there any/many people in the place where you live who would know or remember?

You must have had the shock of your life! I think I'd tell her, if he hasn't already. Very casually!

I would be honest and mention you were together a couple of years and that he definitely a different man to the one you knew. If your friend asks why that's up to her. What he says and what he does may be two different things judging by his reaction to seeing you again.

I just hope he has changed or your friend is going to need one hell of an std check

Right you met them tonight so text tonight to get it out the way- along lines of - great to see you both tonight, it was really funny, I didn’t know what to say- we used to go out together when you were at uni. We both moved on, no regrets. I should have said bit was shocked to see him after so many years!!! - then leave it for her/ him to chat - sorted

I wouldn’t say anything at all.

One of my exes doesn’t want his wife to know we dated a gazillion years ago. I’ve met her a few times and we’re friends. She always says she wishes we lived closer and we visit whenever we can, but for some reason he doesn’t want her to know. That’s his prerogative. She doesn’t seem like the jealous, insecure type, but he knows her better than I. I’d hate for her to think the reason I stay in touch is because of him rather than her.

The reaction you saw suggests he doesn’t want her to know either, otherwise he would have told her already.

I think you have to mention you went out with him but casually and in passing but don't go into the detail.

If you are living in a small place, you are making a rod for your own back if don't mention it. It will come out eventually and it will look like you were being devious/surreptious and she may think you are still holding a torch which is why you didn't mention it.

The reaction you saw suggests he doesn’t want her to know either, otherwise he would have told her already.

but the question is why? unless he was hiding something.

The thing is the details of what happened within your relationship are only one aspect of this imo.

If you don't mention to her that you went out with him and stick with the nice to meet you line all it takes is for one person to mention it in passing for it to look like you are deliberately hiding something and for the friendship to disintegrate, I think most people would be very hurt to find out later that they had been left in the dark while both dh and friend knew something but didn't tell them.

Like the others I'd mention that we went out but not why we broke up.

I’m guessing he is embarrassed about the way he behaved back then. Yes I think you should say you went out with him purely because if someone else does it tell her it will seem very strange. I would be evasive about what he was like though I’d say something like “oh, it was such a long time ago, I can’t remember that much about it”