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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to want to call the police on DS 17?

72 replies

Nickpan · 15/04/2019 21:38

Takes cards from wallets, steal clothes from siblings (his younger brother hasn't seen his Armani jeans since he got them on xmas day), he's about to lose his job, keeps getting caught with weed, has been searched twice by police....
He ruefully admits it, if he's warned that other siblings will all be punished too... he has, oddly enough, high levels of loyalty in certain areas, maybe not toward older family. Massive loyalty to his friends, has admitted they are a bad influence on him, but he will not consider dropping them for a minute. I suspect he's anti-adult, which makes it easier for him to charm and con them. He could have done well in exams, but skived off to spend time with his friends who weren't up to the level of exams. He lost his mum in 2013 sad
Sporadic counselling, he says it helps, but he knows the right things to say, the right buttons to press.
He tells a good tale, and can wrap anyone around his finger. All other parents think he is an angel. All money in house now locked in master bedroom, but he is so on the ball, you only have to turn your back for a second. Actually pulled a brand new hoodie off his little brother's back to wear out. The xmas jeans have holes in, and 5 pairs of white socks that his little bro got for xmas, have not been seen since. Plus many other examples, ie, little bro travelled 40 miles to a big shopping mall, but some items snatched that evening.
Failing at his job, about to be sacked, all pocket money stopped in an attempt to get him to take work seriously. I'm concerned that his GP give him pocket money, clothes money, haircut money, but feel it would be unfair to ask them to stop. He visits them and they love it, and he comes away with money. I found 3 bags of weed in a nice clutch bag - with scales and tools to shred it.
Today, realised he took a debit card 10 days ago, has clocked up nearly £500, as he guessed that the pin was same as phone unlock number

OP posts:

PrayingandHoping · 16/04/2019 11:00

In terms of the overseas music festival. Take his passport and keep it and your house where he can't find it. Then he can't go

doublemint · 16/04/2019 11:10

Get him signed up to the Army or Navy ASAP.

Goldenbear · 16/04/2019 11:18

The adult brain is not fully developed until mid twenties, this 17 year old is acting impulsively and irrationally but that doesn't mean he will end up an ultimate waster. I knew someone who behaved alot worse than this, but had rehab paid for them a couple of times, the second time worked as they were isolated and away from the Influences that were causing the destructive behaviour, they are now a fully functioning, tax paying member of society and very pleasant with it. If his parents had not persisted and called the police on him, I very much doubt he would be in a good place now. He was 23 by the time the second rehab worked, not 17, having lost his mother at 13!

Goldenbear · 16/04/2019 11:19

Extreme punitive reactions do not work.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 16/04/2019 11:31

Get him signed up to the Army or Navy ASAP

They can't just "get him signed up" against his will, he would actually have to agree to it.

MaintainTheMolehill · 16/04/2019 11:31

The boy needs help to come off drugs. There also has to be boundaries set. No way in hell should he be allowed to go to the music festival, why has it even been an option? He can also be grounded. If he goes out when grounded, the door should be locked and he will have to find somewhere else to stay that night. There doesn't seem to be any repercussions for his behaviour and it sounds like he's pushing boundaries waiting on someone pushing back.
This is all easy for me to say and I know it must be horrendous to deal with and my sympathies are with all your family.

tiddlyipom · 16/04/2019 12:04

I would have a look at the youth offending team in your area www.gov.uk/youth-offending-team

From their website "Usually, the police are the first people to contact the youth offending team. But family members and friends can also contact them if they’re worried about a young person’s behaviour."

familysecret · 16/04/2019 12:35

If at all possible, I would move away, far enough to get him away from his dickhead mates. Or I agree with the army suggestion. Being around those other losers all the time, he isn't just going to take up martial arts and be a good boy! They will drag him down further.

Nanny0gg · 16/04/2019 12:58

Do you want his brothers to follow in his footsteps? Entirely possible.

Intervene now and stop making excuses for him

EmeraldShamrock · 16/04/2019 13:03

Do call the police for the weed and press charges for stealing, it'll teach him a valuable lesson even if it wont seem that way at the time.
If you put him out, he'll move in with grandparents making their life hell.
He needs a firm hand.

PencilsInSpace · 17/04/2019 00:11

Rather than reporting him for the thefts, maybe have a word with your local police to see if they run any kind of outreach programme. Some areas do, they're to try to prevent 'troubled' teenagers getting criminal records. I think he'd need to willing to engage though.

Good plan.

PencilsInSpace · 17/04/2019 00:13

I would have a look at the youth offending team in your area

Another good plan.

TooBusyHavingFun · 17/04/2019 11:32

I'd go with the youth offending team in your area.
Police coming for a chat.
Sounds drastic but if moving away from the influences is an option then that.

PregnantSea · 17/04/2019 11:35

I would tell him that if he isn't out by the end of the week you will report all of this to the police. And stick to your guns.

Bloomburger · 17/04/2019 12:11

It's better you reporting him to the police than someone outside the family and that WILL happen because he will go onto steal from people/establishments outside of the family if he is so readily getting away with it now.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 17/04/2019 12:17

Stop trying so hard not to hurt him.

Look for Youth Offending Team, or similar in your area and get in touch with them. They will help you set up a harsh wake up call that will either make or break him - his choice.

At the moment all you have is a drug abusing bully and thief. Is that what the other children need in their lives? Is that all you can see for him? He will continue as he is unless something cnahges... that may well have to be you and his father taking stern action!

AnguaUberwaldIronfoundersson · 17/04/2019 12:35

Stop walking on eggshells around him and actively punish him for the things he does. He’s old enough to know better and, whilst losing a parent at such a young age must be heartbreaking, he’s totally using everyone’s sympathy to his advantage to get away with murder.

My sister is 5 years younger than me and from a young age every single demand was given in to. As a teen I had to live my life on her terms because my parents found it easier to control me than to deal with the fall outs when she kicked off. Seriously, my bed time at 16 was 8pm because she thought it unfair that I should get to stay up later than her at 11. Things I bought for myself were given to her because she demanded them and I regularly had things stolen off me. Funnily enough I was nearly 17 when I moved out - younger than your nephew and self sufficient.

Fast forward 20 years and my parents and sisters lives are so enmeshed. She has young children and does fuck all for them so that’s my parents lives on hold for another couple of decades whilst they provide for the kids and my sister does what she pleases and shacks up with who she likes. If my parents complain about her, she just cuts contact but my parents never stop because she has them convinced that they’ll go without if they don’t provide (this is probably true because she’s a drug taking arsehole).

My point is that my parents never stopped her behaviour when they had the chance and now they’ve made a rod for their own backs because they didn’t parent when they should have.

Widowodiw · 17/04/2019 12:54

You seem to skip it in so casually in your post that he lost his mum. I’d be focussing on that and getting him more support that he needs around this. I’m not saying it’s an excuse at all but I’m a widow with 2 children and I can see the impact it’s had on my children.

OpalTree · 17/04/2019 16:52

Can i ask how long ago you were widowed and at what point the effects on your children showed the most? I was widowed a year ago and have heard that sometimes the effects on kids can be most pronounced 2 or 3 years afterwards.

Original poster

Nickpan · 17/04/2019 19:22

@opalTree Hi, it was actually my brother-in-law, who was married to my sister, I'd come clean a page or so back. She died late 2013, the boys were 9 and 11. Young one was always entertaining and eccentric, now a bit more sombre, old one has this thread dedicated to him. Hard to say if anything happened/changed after 2 - 3 yrs that could be attributed to losing their mum. Those ages have SO many changes anyway, and some teens end up a bit wayward even if they don't lose parents. They were never short of love and attention, but the 17yr got in with a bad crowd and loves it :(

OP posts:

OpalTree · 17/04/2019 19:30

Thanks nickpan. I directed that at @Widowodiw but it's interesting to hear from different people how it affected kids.

Widowodiw · 17/04/2019 20:43

@OpalTree I can’t answer your question I’m afraid as I’m widowed less than a year. But my boy went from liveable to quite frankly awful a few months after he passed. He’s turned a corner now but I have no doubt that he will carry this with him for the rest of his life and certainly through his teenage and early adult life. I can only think of what goes on in my head on a day to day basis and then multiply it by about a million to get sense of what’s going through the children’s heads.

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