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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another wedding one...

49 replies

user1470225104 · 15/04/2019 20:35

This is my first time posting but I've lurked on here for years so I'm a bit apprehensive in case I get roasted Blush
Little back story- a very close (so I thought) friend of mine is due to get married next year. She was one of my bridesmaids at my wedding, she doesn't live in the area but I would still class her as a close friend, we talk a lot!
I got a message from her explaining that she's having a situation with bridesmaids (too many) and would I mind if I wasn't a bridesmaid, but instead she would like to have my dd as a flower girl meaning I get to be with her the morning of the wedding and get to be a part of it.
I replied saying that she mustn't feel obligated to have either of us as a part of the wedding, and that just because she was my bridesmaid I really didn't mind that I wouldn't be hers and never expected to be. But if she does really want my dd as a flower girl then that would be lovely, she would love that etc..

All fine I thought? Until I received the next message.

She said how excited she was that my dd would be flower girl, talked about her wedding plans etc. Then on the end of the message "unfortunately though there's so many children coming, it will just be you bringing your dd and not your two ds".

Abiu to be pissed off? I've told her dd won't be coming to the wedding as it's not fair on the other two (I've been nice about it, I'm not confrontational at all) but I'm so angry that she has basically picked and chosen her favourites. She says there were 30 children and she's "cut it" to 15, and invited more adults to even it out. Confused
Aibu to think you either don't invite children or you do. You don't ask someone to leave two of their children at home whilst the other is a bloody flower girl?! Hmm

Before anyone asks, it's definitely not an age thing. Ds1 is older than the other flower girl.

OP posts:
Didntwanttochangemyname · 15/04/2019 20:53

Christ! What is it about weddings that turns people into dickheads? YANBU.

I'm currently planning my wedding, all children are invited and welcome. Getting married is about the formation of a new family, perhaps a family of 2 or maybe more. Expecting guests to split their family to attend your wedding is ridiculous and self indulgent bullshit.

ToeSocks · 15/04/2019 20:59

That is ridiculous ! Hmm

Original poster
user1470225104 · 15/04/2019 21:14

I know! I genuinely think some people lose their heads a little bit when it comes to wedding planning. And they lose sight of what is okay and what isn't Confused.

I'm not what you would call "precious" (I don't think) and I wouldn't have minded if she had said they weren't having any children. But to ask me to bring one of my 3 dc I just don't understand!

OP posts:
ALLMYSmellySocks · 15/04/2019 21:23

How old are your DSs? I would imagine that she's just assuming that they won't be interested in the wedding and so she didn't feel like she was picking favourites. Lots of people assume girls love being flower girls but other than that kids don't care about weddings unless it's a family thing. This would definitely be true of my kids (in fact DD wouldn't want to be a flower girl and would be annoyed DS got out of having to go to the wedding). It was thoughtless of her to assume this but I doubt it was malicious.

Original poster
user1470225104 · 15/04/2019 21:27

@ALLMYSmellySocks
They are 6 (will be 7) and 2 (will be 3!)
Whilst I don't think my youngest would be in the slightest bit bothered at missing out, my older ds is very sensitive and absolutely hates missing out on anything. Oldest ds and dd are very close and to be honest I don't think dd would have wanted to be there anyway! She's shy and doesn't do "girly dresses!"

I can see why she wouldn't think it would be an issue but I just see it as my boys being snubbed.

OP posts:
Drum2018 · 15/04/2019 21:29

I think it's fine if she doesn't want to invite them. Your dd has a role, your Ds's don't. If she wasn't having your dd as flowergirl no doubt she wouldn't be invited either. My sister was invited to a cousins wedding as flower girl. The rest of us weren't. No big deal. I think YABU.

ALLMYSmellySocks · 15/04/2019 21:30

I totally get how you feel OP. The almost 7 year old is definitely old enough to know he's being left out. I would still assume (unless she's given you reason to think otherwise) that your friend didn't realise that he would feel hurt but I do agree it's odd and rude to invite one child and not another.

glasshalf · 15/04/2019 21:31

One of my friends also doing this - DD is flower girl , Ds1 and DS2 are not invited , I'm fine with it. They will have fun with a family member and my DD will get to feel special as she's closest to my friend and boys are not . It's her wedding , I say her rules. My friends wedding isn't budget either but if she doesn't want loads of extra kids that's up to her .

GuineaPiglet345 · 15/04/2019 21:35

She sounds awful, I think I’d just be ‘busy’ that day.

When we planned our wedding we counted up all our family and friends including their children, worked out how much we could afford and booked something that included everyone.

So that meant having a less swanky venue than we would’ve liked in an ideal world, and not having posh wedding cars and a DJ instead of a band, but no one declined the invite and (as far as I know) no one was pissed off with us.

Original poster
user1470225104 · 15/04/2019 21:38

I think that's why I'm annoyed really, I don't want my ds to feel left out.
To clarify though I haven't been rude to her in the slightest. I wouldn't want to ruin a friendship. It just didn't sit right with me.
Also, dd does not have a close relationship with df at all.. if that's relevant.

OP posts:
TheCraicDealer · 15/04/2019 21:40

I understand having a child-inclusive wedding, I understand having a child free wedding. I do not understand this hierarchy of kids where half are invited and half aren't using some unknown criteria and, even worse, using some as props for your wedding and not extending an invite to their siblings. If you're close enough to ask someone's child to be a flowergirl, it's a close enough friendship to warrant an invite for the other two children. Very rude.

Ratatatouille · 15/04/2019 21:47

I’m sure someone will be along with the gem “her wedding, her rules” and whilst that’s obviously correct it doesn’t make this behaviour any less wanky. I don’t know what it is about weddings but they can turn even the most sensible, considerate people into arseholes. It’s obviously not OK to invite one sibling but not the others. Yes, I’m sure a few people would be fine with this, but the vast majority of folk would find this rude and hurtful.

Napqueen1234 · 15/04/2019 21:57

You either have kids if you don’t imo (says the person about to get married having no children other than my own dd there who’s being whisked off at 6pm). I wouldn’t have dreamed of inviting some children and not others in the same flipping family. Good on you for refusing the invite. FWIW you do get wrapped up and lose some sense of normality with everyone saying ‘it’s your day you do whatever you want blah blah!’

Lizzie48 · 15/04/2019 22:02

In view of the fact that your DD isn't all that bothered, maybe it would have been better if your DS were to be a page boy? At my wedding (16 years ago now) my closest friend's 6 year old was a page boy and it was really special.

This could all have been avoided if your friend had taken the time to talk it through with you.

Original poster
user1470225104 · 15/04/2019 22:06

That's it! I wouldn't have thought twice about it if she told me it was a child free wedding! I totally get that and respect that.
I think I'm just a bit confused. The way she worded it just made it sound like my ds didn't quite make the "cut".

She's usually a very thoughtful and lovely friend and I know she would be mortified if she knew how I felt. But I'm going to let it slide, I think she's just wrapped up in it she's not thinking like the normally would!

OP posts:
Chocolateisfab · 15/04/2019 22:06

Ime she wants a pretty bm and not extra dc there!
Swerve it imo.

CripsSandwiches · 15/04/2019 22:16

I don't agree that you have kids or you don't at weddings - it's OK to invite some and not others (e.g. just close family children) but not some siblings and not others. I do agree that she probably assumed your sons would have no desire to go to their mum's friend's wedding but it's a little thoughtless.

JazzyBBG · 15/04/2019 22:20

This happened to me! Really similar. She was going to have adult bridesmaids but as one of our friends was getting divorced and didn't want to decided to do Children. Invited my DD to be bridesmaid then uninvited my baby! Then got shitty with me as I said I could no longer stay the night because my baby wasn't there. My mum is adamant she just wanted my daughter for photos to look cute on. Honestly it still riles me a few years on and totally ruined our friendship and for what I'm not really sure.

AnnaBegins · 15/04/2019 22:21

My cousin did this to me, my sister was a bridesmaid and I wasn't invited. TBH I'm disappointed in my parents for not refusing. Inviting one sibling and not the others is just horrible. I would be telling your friend it's all or none.

Bibijayne · 15/04/2019 22:25

Weird! All your kids or none. I would just drop out of the whole thing TBH. What will her next unexpected bombshell be?

Pinkyyy · 15/04/2019 22:26

You did the right thing, OP.

Bibijayne · 15/04/2019 22:27

@CripsSandwiches yes. It's the splitting siblings up that is strange. Especially as they're all similar ages.

Mommaof2x · 15/04/2019 22:30

The fact she cut two of your sons out when you had her as a bridesmaid is rude, i dont understand why people don’t count their guests and then look for a venue to accommodate them rather than venue then thinking shit can’t fit everyone in!

tocotoucan · 15/04/2019 22:33

yanbu. What if your boys were girls? Would she have invited them all, or just picked one? I don't think so, so she's basically excluding them for that reason. Weddings turn people completely mental... I've found this out in the last year! Seems like she's lost sight of what the wedding day actually means, and has forgotten about how you should treat other people. Just clearly had a head full of numbers and £££ and has clearly become detatched from the important things in life. I'd say it's all children or none, or decline the invite all together. x

DianaT1969 · 15/04/2019 22:52

It could have been a good girly bonding day with you and your daughter. A memorable day for her. It sounds as if she usually goes out with her brothers in tow?
If you haven't turned it down I think you should go.
There will be events in the future that your son's will want to go to without her.

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