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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Another wedding one...

49 replies

user1470225104 · 15/04/2019 20:35

This is my first time posting but I've lurked on here for years so I'm a bit apprehensive in case I get roasted
Little back story- a very close (so I thought) friend of mine is due to get married next year. She was one of my bridesmaids at my wedding, she doesn't live in the area but I would still class her as a close friend, we talk a lot!
I got a message from her explaining that she's having a situation with bridesmaids (too many) and would I mind if I wasn't a bridesmaid, but instead she would like to have my dd as a flower girl meaning I get to be with her the morning of the wedding and get to be a part of it.
I replied saying that she mustn't feel obligated to have either of us as a part of the wedding, and that just because she was my bridesmaid I really didn't mind that I wouldn't be hers and never expected to be. But if she does really want my dd as a flower girl then that would be lovely, she would love that etc..

All fine I thought? Until I received the next message.

She said how excited she was that my dd would be flower girl, talked about her wedding plans etc. Then on the end of the message "unfortunately though there's so many children coming, it will just be you bringing your dd and not your two ds".

Abiu to be pissed off? I've told her dd won't be coming to the wedding as it's not fair on the other two (I've been nice about it, I'm not confrontational at all) but I'm so angry that she has basically picked and chosen her favourites. She says there were 30 children and she's "cut it" to 15, and invited more adults to even it out.
Aibu to think you either don't invite children or you do. You don't ask someone to leave two of their children at home whilst the other is a bloody flower girl?!

Before anyone asks, it's definitely not an age thing. Ds1 is older than the other flower girl.

OP posts:

LL83 · 15/04/2019 22:59

I can understand when family children go but not friends so I can see some children invited and not others for that reason. But never within one family.

Is it possible she was worried you would be upset at not being bridesmaid, flower girl dd seemed a good solution but she didnt consider inviting your dd must mean inviting your other children? Thoughtless but trying to solve one potential upset and created another.

OffToBedhampton · 15/04/2019 23:35

She's just been a bit thoughtless. I wouldn't fall out with her over it. If she doesn't have children she won't have realised that fairness & being excluded from the day might be a big thing that doesn't sit as well in a close family unit.

It's not bad what she asked.

At least it's better than my former friend who promised both my girls they'd be bridesmaids, got them excited all year telling them about it, so we fitted our holiday around it and... then at last moment 2-3 months beforehand uninvited my girls (they are all brilliantly behaved) . And even decided my DD (close friends with her DD) couldn't come as my plus one.

When I arrived, the "adult wedding" had 14 children there, and lots of random partners.

I went on my own and paid for babysitters all day and night. but got told on the day repeatedly that I had been volunteered to do lifts for umpteen people between venues "which I couldn't do if I'd brought my children with me". Despite my having babysitters to get back to by 11:30pm, i had to leave evening do at 10pm to drive her frigging aunties home in opposite direction to me in torrential rain & get back in time to my children. The aunties who kept telling me all day I was their lift home as bf had told them to find me on her wedding day.

Now... that seriously pissed me off.

OffToBedhampton · 15/04/2019 23:49

At my wedding I invited all family and friends children or I invited to evening with children, we fitted it around what we could afford - but didn't split any families up and wouldn't have dreamed of doing so.

I loved having the children at my wedding, we (bride and groom and everyone) were dancing merrily together with all the DCs on dance floor. They were the funniest (but then I like children)

Lizzie48 · 15/04/2019 23:50

@OffToBedhampton your friend is probably the biggest CF I've read about on MN, despite a lot of serious competition for that title. And I'm betting that your so-called friend didn't offer to cover the cost of fuel??

OffToBedhampton · 15/04/2019 23:56

@Lizzie48. Lol, no she didn't!! I wouldn't have asked that but I felt very alone all day. I was more upset at the talk and promise that had been withdrawn and that I'd become taxi service. My middle DD was 9 same as hers and very close as they'd grown up together. She was demanding about hen night and her wedding...

OP is right to worry about being roasted by MN but I think many of us have said we understand her feelings as DS's would like to be there and see DSis be flower girl. And it's harsh to split a family up . But she hasn't been a true CF yet, when you see how badly other brides have behaved, ops friend has just thoughtless - hopefully accidentally.

RubyRoseViolet · 15/04/2019 23:57

No no no. That is absolute bollocks. You either invite the family with kids or the parent(s) without the kids you don’t choose the one you want and uninvite the rest! Unbelievably rude!!

BackforGood · 16/04/2019 00:03

I understand having a child-inclusive wedding, I understand having a child free wedding. I do not understand this hierarchy of kids where half are invited and half aren't using some unknown criteria and, even worse, using some as props for your wedding and not extending an invite to their siblings. If you're close enough to ask someone's child to be a flowergirl, it's a close enough friendship to warrant an invite for the other two children. Very rude.

This ^

I don't get why she has even asked your dd, if they don't have a close relationship but if she is, then obviously she invites ALL your family. If she doesn't want lots of dc there, then she doesn't invite any of them.

ineedaholidaynow · 16/04/2019 00:10

I must admit I am not totally seeing the problem with this. I assume your DD has been invited to parties without your DSs in tow?

If you were close family with the wedding party then I think this would be different, but surely as far as your children are concerned this is just a big party. Weddings can be pretty boring for children. If your DD is a flower girl she would have to get there early, and your DSs would be missing out on all the preparations etc.

Just thinking back at all the recent Royal weddings with the numerous page boys and flower girls, I am sure I don’t remember many other children in the congregation so I assume not all of their siblings came along.

OffToBedhampton · 16/04/2019 00:20

@BackforGood

^this

Bemusedagain · 16/04/2019 00:37

This happened to me when I was about 9. My mums friend had my younger sister as bridesmaid and I wasn’t included in the wedding. I was really upset, especially as she’d promised me since I was small that I’d one day be her bridesmaid. I was an ugly duckling though. Bad haircut and podgy. My sister was all blonde curls and cute as a button. It really damaged my self confidence and I cried lots. My sister didn’t even want to be a bridesmaid really! It was based on appearances and sucked.

TheSerenDipitY · 16/04/2019 06:58

she invited you all to her wedding
then she asked you to be a bridesmaid
then she said she doesn't want you as bridesmaid
she then asked your Daughter to be a flower-girl
now she only wants you and your flower-girl daughter to attend the wedding?
so invites for all, a role, then a demotion, a secondary role and now some un-invites???
personally id give it a miss, it would seem she has far closer friends who are much more important to her, let her have her "special" day in her way but id be thinking fuck her!
( i wouldnt send a gift either for fucking me and mine about with her wanky indecision)

Original poster

user1470225104 · 16/04/2019 07:12

@LL83
Yes I think that's exactly why! But she shouldn't have felt bad because I would never have minded not being a bridesmaid, that kind of thing doesn't bother me. But 2 of my children being excluded does!

OP posts:

Original poster

user1470225104 · 16/04/2019 07:15

@OffToBedhampton 😱 that is actually shocking. I'm normally a laid back kind of person but that would have been it for me. How awful!

OP posts:

Original poster

user1470225104 · 16/04/2019 07:20

@ineedaholidaynow
Yes she does go to lots of parties without her brothers. Ds1 completely understands that they are her friends and doesn't feel left out. But then the parties don't ever involve both me and my DH getting all dressed up, along with DD and sending ds off somewhere else. I think that's where he would be upset. Mummy, daddy and dsis all doing something together whilst him and his brother are excluded.

OP posts:

CaptainMarvelDanvers · 16/04/2019 07:24

She’s using your daughter as a piece of scenery. I know it’s different strokes for different folks but honestly so many people are worried about the image of their wedding then the actual main importance of the wedding, the marriage.

Original poster

user1470225104 · 16/04/2019 07:26

She has told me by the way that it isn't an issue with the venue being big enough, it's the ratio of children to adults which she didn't like.
DH is invited, when I asked she was very confused as to why I would think he wouldn't be 🤔 you can see why I would be thinking it 😂

Anyway, we spoke last night. We are still friends and I was nice about dd not coming. I imagine she'll look back when she has her own dc and be a bit

OP posts:

Whoops75 · 16/04/2019 07:35

I think YABU but you have already sorted it so I hope ye have a nice day.

Thepacksurvives · 16/04/2019 07:43

Wow, most wedding threads I'm on the brides side but yanbu.

GregoryPeckingDuck · 16/04/2019 07:44

Well I’m not sure it’s unfair on your DS (honestly if anything I would say it sounds unfair to you DD who will be forced to go to a wedding to be a prop while her brothers get to stay home). Regardless I think the bride has lost it a bit.

fluorescentorange · 16/04/2019 07:51

Sometimes in life, we get left out of things and the sooner we learn that this is ok and deal with it the better. Your DS will get over it and even though you say you are not precious, I feel you are and I think you need to tell your DS he is not invited so he can do something else that day. It really is not the problem you seem to think it is. If you stop and think about it, there are many times when a person has to be left out and they go along with their lives just fine.

llewellyn25 · 16/04/2019 07:52

I don't think that you're being unreasonable at all. I think you either have children at weddings or you don't.

ZoeWashburne · 16/04/2019 07:54

Kicking someone out of your wedding is a friendship-ending move. She is choosing how her wedding 'looks' rather than your feelings.

I would be declining this event and using the money I would be spending on a gift to do something nice as a family.

Laiste · 16/04/2019 08:02

She has told me by the way that it isn't an issue with the venue being big enough, it's the ratio of children to adults which she didn't like.

We had a small wedding (still bigger than i would have liked - i'm an only with only one parent, but DH has both parents and lots of siblings with partners).

We invited close family and 2 closest friends plus partner and any DCs - and it turned out there were quite a few. With the addition of my 3 DCs from my first marriage in the end we ended up with more children than adults at our wedding! I think we had roughly one of every year of age from a few weeks old right up to teens. It was lovely to be honest. The photos with all the little children in their posh gear, some formal and some chaotic are gorgeous

And here was no noise during the ceremony !

OffToBedhampton · 16/04/2019 12:24

@Laiste Sounds a lovely wedding!

@user1470225104. I cut her friendship about 6 months later, as that was part of an incredibly selfish journey she went down. I think she believed her own hype about theirs being the wedding event of the century. Turns out 3 years later, they divorced.

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