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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask about your kids social lives out of school

39 replies

Mangetoutrodney · 15/04/2019 17:15

DD has just turned 7 and has never really found ‘her tribe’ at all. She has friends in school & gets invited to parties but doesn’t get invited to many play dates.
DS who is 11 is the opposite I guess- has never really had many issues with friends & it’s been smooth sailing.

DD is starting to get upset about it. I invite kids round to play & they have fun but she doesn’t get invited back very often. Her school is small & has always been very cliquey- a lot of the kids arrived in friendship groups from before, parents are good friends etc so she’s found it hard to break into groups that go away on holiday together etc.

I don’t really know what to do. I have tried to engineer play dates & she has got friends but mainly in school and not out of school. She goes to brownies & has friends there too. She is getting upset because these groups of friends are together during the holidays & she feels left out. I actually just want to spend the hols with her anyway as enjoy family time.

How much should I worry? Should I swap a schools? I have considered it as the cliques are really tricky & starting to do my head in too. I feel sad as she’s missing out on having a special friend out of school to hang out with.

Aibu to consider swapping schools?

OP posts:
SpeckledDot · 15/04/2019 17:17

I think swapping schools is a great idea. I had trouble like this as a child and i would have loved to have made a new start somewhere else

ShaggyRug · 15/04/2019 17:26

Some kids don’t find their tribe until senior school. For some it’s college or older. I’d think long and hard before moving schools if she’s settled. You might jump out of the frying pan and into the fire.

hideandgoseek · 15/04/2019 17:29

No way I’d move a 7 year old for this problem.

7 is still so young and lots of parents work and just can’t be arsed with play dates until they’re older and a bit more self sufficient.

Whitechocandraspberry · 15/04/2019 17:29

Any kids in your neighbourhood that she can call for?

Dishwashersaurous · 15/04/2019 17:31

She’s seven. Seven.

At that age all holiday entertainment is at the instigation of the parents who want to hang out together.

Have you tried being the instigator and inviting people to the park etc

BarrenFieldofFucks · 15/04/2019 17:33

How does she know what they're all doing?

RedSkyLastNight · 15/04/2019 17:36

Agree at 7 it's all about the parents. In a year or so she'll have her own definite friends, and DC will by and large stop hanging out with others just because their parents are friends. Plus she'll be old enough to play out where you tend to just play with whoever is there. Why not just go to the local park, or wherever, and play with any dc there?

I agree it's not a strong enough reason to change school. If she didn't have friends in school it would be different

MrsPear · 15/04/2019 17:36

Mine are 6 and 9 I can count on one hand how play dates they have been on and I’ll use the other hand for parties. At this stage it’s all to do with the parents. What kind of kid were you at school - I think that equals how popular your children are with invites.

Original poster
Mangetoutrodney · 15/04/2019 17:37

@dishwasher yes, I do try arrange to meet people etc. and to arrange stuff but I also just want time with the kids myself.

It’s because she’s getting upset about it all. She asked me (in tears) earlier why I wasn’t good enough friends with the other parents to go on holiday with them but these are families that have been friends for years which I try to explain to her!!

It’s hard sometimes!

OP posts:
Original poster
Mangetoutrodney · 15/04/2019 17:38

@barrenfields she knows because the kids talk about it in school

OP posts:
Whitechocandraspberry · 15/04/2019 17:41

I can’t be arsed with play dates. Never my thing but why is it you want time with the kids to yourself?

FattyFatCakes · 15/04/2019 17:41

I have a 7 year old and although we do lots of clubs we don’t do playdates. During term time he get’s too tired and during the holidays I want to spend time together as a family.
Most of his peer group who have playdates do so for childcare reasons, because they are only children, or because they dont get on particularly well with their siblings.
I am lucky that my two boys get on really well so they play together all the time and I find playdates with lots of noisy, annoying children stressful!

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 15/04/2019 17:41

Would the same situation not arise in a new school, where the other children have already known each other for years and settled into friendship groups?

Have you discussed the idea with her? What does she think?

hideandgoseek · 15/04/2019 17:41

@MrsPear that makes me sad. I wasn’t a popular child and am not a popular adult and I hate that my kids will probably end up that same Sad

RaininSummer · 15/04/2019 17:45

Could she join scouts or something like martial arts so that she has an after school activity and forms a friendship group outside of school. This would probably do wonders for her confidence.

Widowodiw · 15/04/2019 17:46

My daughter is the same as we moved house and all the mums are all great friends etc and it’s really hard to integrate when your not always on the school run etc. I have made an effort with a few friends of my sons as he’s the older one and will be arranging his own social life soon. However, my son never gets asked back round to their houses so it feels like they just want the free childcare.

If you don’t know they parents then pop a letter in with your child to give to friends parents addressed to them. Saying if x child would like to come and play this week then please call/ text to arrange.
At the end of the day you can only ask and see their responses.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 15/04/2019 17:48

She asked me (in tears) earlier why I wasn’t good enough friends with the other parents to go on holiday with them but these are families that have been friends for years which I try to explain to her!!

Actually this is making me wonder if she is just trying to befriend the wrong kids. It is not possible that every child in her class is going on group holidays with other families. It is much more likely that she has set her sights on one particular group, and is discounting other (less glamorous) friendship possibilities.

FattyFatCakes · 15/04/2019 17:48

Oh I see she’s upset.

Changing school won’t guarantee she makes friends though and you would be starting from scratch with a whole bunch of new parents?

If you think she would really benefit from playdates then I guess you need to start hosting. This sounds totally obvious but make it as convenient as possible and then people are more likely to say yes. It might involve inviting a sibling too or offering to drive them to/from a party.

Original poster
Mangetoutrodney · 15/04/2019 17:50

@whitechoc i just want family time? I work fulll time & so want a few days of Easter to hang out with them

OP posts:
Original poster
Mangetoutrodney · 15/04/2019 17:51

@fatty I do host play dates but she doesn’t get invited back much

OP posts:
Whitechocandraspberry · 15/04/2019 17:53

So when is there time for play dates? If you’re working full time you likely can’t be arsed with it either. Any kids in neighbourhood she could play with without arranging a “play date”

formerbabe · 15/04/2019 17:55

Very similar situation with me. My ds is 11 and very popular and confident. The parents of the children in his class are friendly and welcoming.

My dd is 8...parents in her class are very cliquey...I'm not part of clique so socialising is much harder. In particular the clique is mainly made up of the mums of girls.

Sorry, I don't have any advice..just to say you're not alone!

Original poster
Mangetoutrodney · 15/04/2019 17:55

@whitechoc I have an afternoon a week in term time when I can do them. I changed my work hours so I could do it as she was upset & i wanted to try do something. I pick up 2 days a week but one day is for brownies

OP posts:
Youngandfree · 15/04/2019 17:58

Tbh there’s only 8 in my DD’s class but they all get along, they all go to each other’s parties etc but the never really have play dates (with the exception of her bf every so often) but even that’s only once a month or less as we all work and they do their own activities outside of school . She does have lots of 2nd cousins (we just say cousins) though that she sees pretty much weekly/every two weeks.

Smumzo · 15/04/2019 18:00

Hmm I would actually move her to a bigger school and I'd make more effort with the other parents.