To ask about your kids social lives out of school

[Mangetoutrodney]

DD has just turned 7 and has never really found ‘her tribe’ at all. She has friends in school & gets invited to parties but doesn’t get invited to many play dates.
DS who is 11 is the opposite I guess- has never really had many issues with friends & it’s been smooth sailing.

DD is starting to get upset about it. I invite kids round to play & they have fun but she doesn’t get invited back very often. Her school is small & has always been very cliquey- a lot of the kids arrived in friendship groups from before, parents are good friends etc so she’s found it hard to break into groups that go away on holiday together etc.

I don’t really know what to do. I have tried to engineer play dates & she has got friends but mainly in school and not out of school. She goes to brownies & has friends there too. She is getting upset because these groups of friends are together during the holidays & she feels left out. I actually just want to spend the hols with her anyway as enjoy family time.

How much should I worry? Should I swap a schools? I have considered it as the cliques are really tricky & starting to do my head in too. I feel sad as she’s missing out on having a special friend out of school to hang out with.

Aibu to consider swapping schools?

7 is young and it’s the parents who influence the play dates at that age, sometimes instigated by the kids but parents can control it a lot. Eg if a child can have 20 friends to a party the parents will ensure all their friends kids are invited, and the ones on the periphery don’t get asked.
I wouldn’t take out - but if poss move form, which happened when my DCs were in primary.

Going to a new school means she will be trying to integrate into already established friendship groups- surely she will have the same problem?

My boys went on a lot of play dates/sleep overs and likewise we had the same. But the aren’t everything. They also had a big group of friends out of school where we lived, who they played with more. Ds2 now goes to a school that only about 5% of the teens around here go to. However he played football and rugby, so now has a big group of friends from the other school. He goes out when he feels like it to see them, but mostly we are taxi service to school friends homes.

She’ll come into her own soon. Often secondary school where there are lot students in the same position.

Ds, almost 11 doesn't have much social life outside school.

His teachers tell me he's popular, he gets a fair few party invites, but never really got invited for play dates.

Like yours he goes to a small, cliquey School, and I've found that the parents facilitate the friendships. It is sad, but I wouldn't necessarily rush into moving her because of this. The grass isn't always greener.

She's only 7, there's plenty of time for things to change, and even if they don't, they may well at secondary school.

What I meant hideandgoseek was that I was socially a failure as a child and still am to an extent as an adult therefore despite teachers telling me my children are popular with friendships they are rarely invited outside of school due to my failure to integrate into the parent clique. They have other interests outside and we are also trying to join the local scouting movement plus they have each other. I always make sure we go out too such as the park to play with others too.

Op please don’t worry too much so look for interests outside and check she is part of a group in school.

Oh and you can hear the little miss populars chatting on this thread

I think you need to separate out these two similar-but-not-the-same things for dd. It's understandable that she wants play dates and her own little friendship group and that's something that will likely come.

It seems a big part of the problem though is that she views best friends families holidaying together as being the ultimate friendship goal and obviously then nothing else is going to come close in her mind! At 7 you can understand why she'd think this given she sees that in her class bless her, but it's relatively unusual (in my experience) and perhaps you really need to spell out that this is never going to happen but that she can still have good/best friends? Because if she's setting the friendship standard that high then she's always going to be disappointed and of course a new school won't change that.

I’m 100% a social failure too Pear. Nice to meet another

We were invited on our first ever joint family holiday this year - it was fun but my dc just played with each other the whole time so I left thinking what’s the bloody point?!

Does DD go to an after school club or childminder? Maybe that is seen as a barrier - you're not around to ask or kids/parents just assume she can't come round. Do these parents have your number to get hold of you? If your school has a FB page might be worth chatting on there to engineer play dates.

Poularity is conformity. You'll be glad she's not part of the cool group when she's a teenager!
I don't know any one who goes away together with anyone other than cousins etc. I would actually hate that! Family time is precious.

Agree that you need to separate out her friends- play date, parties etc

And family friends that you may go on holiday with

It’s very rare for both to cross over and even if there aren’t many people in her class it’s not going to be the whole class going on holiday together.

Need to explain to her that different people have different set ups. Eg my eldest got a bit down once when everyone at school seemed to be talking about doing things with their cousins and she doesn’t have any. She then worked out that my closest friends are kind of like her cousins

Are play dates really that much of a thing outwith families who already know each other?

I can’t imagine many parents being comfortable with 7/8 year olds going to a strangers house who you barely know to say hello to at school.

I’m only going on my own school run experience here. As someone who didn’t have my babies in the town we live in now therefore didn’t make those connections at baby stage.

Many miles away from "100% social failure" if getting invites to parties & other children say yes to invites and even getting some invites back. Plus OP hasn't described any mean comments, getting picked on, etc.

I'd just invite twice as many around to mine if she were my DD. You can't control whether they invite back so orchestrate the part of social life you can heavily influence. Double up different friends on same day (one for morning, one for evening) if you want some completely friend-free days but still lots of invitees.

I don’t know if you’re replying to me but I was replying to someone else. Not calling the OP a socai failure.