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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask him not to go?

61 replies

potatobrain · 15/04/2019 02:07

I recently saw a message from dh to his friend saying that he'll find the temptation of cheating on me hard to resist when they're at a festival this summer.
I confronted him and he made me feel stupid for believing it.
I now understand that he's booked his ticket and is still planning to go.
on another note I'm annoyed about him paying out for a weekend away when 1. We haven't had a holiday ourselves this year due to financial difficulty. 2. I've been covering his rent and bills for the past few months. 3. We have a newborn baby to consider

Even if I wanted to trust him during this weekend, I know I'll assume the worst of him. Maybe that is a product of my own insecurities.

I want to give him an ultimatum, don't go or go (literally out of my life). AIBU?

OP posts:
Tinkety · 15/04/2019 03:11

OP I’m normally a poster who tries to see the other side or gives another POV but honestly, you & your DD deserve so much better than that waste of space.

My first LTB.

Motoko · 15/04/2019 03:55

It's not you that's failing at marriage. He's failing it quite spectacularly.

TheFatberg · 15/04/2019 03:56

How arrogant of him to assume hell even have the option of cheating. Sometimes I hate men.

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/04/2019 04:07

There was a thread on here recently about red flags and someone said hers was editing what she told other people about a man - because she knew what they’d say and it was at odds with how he appeared.

In different circumstances to yours, I know I did this with my ex. I felt ashamed of people knowing what he was really like, what I was putting up with. I also didn’t want to risk them hating him while I was choosing to still forgive him and was too scared to leave.

In the end I didn’t have a choice and gradually started telling people how things had been and it was like setting myself free.

You and your baby deserve to be cherished and adored by someone who puts you first, it’s okay to decide you’re better than what you’re currently getting Flowers

ittakes2 · 15/04/2019 04:14

I'm sorry it does not sound like something a man committed to a relationship would say - regardless of whether he is joking or not. Its disrespectful.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/04/2019 04:22

Please stop dismissing the strength and power you clearly have. He offers you NOTHING. He has been caught flat out saying he wants to cheat on you. You are paying this losers way in the world.

You don't need him, and he doesn't deserve you. Get rid of this fucking twat.

KittyWindbag · 15/04/2019 04:22

Bad with money, openly discusses potentially cheating on the MOTHER OF HIS NEW BABY, selfish enough to spend money frivolously on himself rather than family.

Kick him to the curb he’s horrible and you deserve much better.

Coyoacan · 15/04/2019 04:31

He says he will start being good with money, but instead of seeing how he can repay you all you spent on him, his first thought is a treat for himself.

I sound almost mercenary here, don't I? It's not that, it's the whole attitude that betrays a deeply selfish person.

Original poster
potatobrain · 15/04/2019 04:37

Thank you everyone for the kind words. I've been staring at him sleep for hours now, and have been quietly whispering 'I want a divorce' over and over again in the hope that when he wakes up I'll be able to say it with conviction

OP posts:
DeftandGlory · 15/04/2019 04:55

Just say it. The conviction will come after you’ve admitted it out loud.

Remember not to make this about him - what he may or may not have done. Your arguments need to be about you. What you need and aren’t getting. What you want is someone that puts you as his first priority. He won’t be able to argue that one away.

Listen to what he’s saying, He’s called you “pathetic”. Perhaps he actually feels you are, by putting up with him? You would be doing both of you a favour to stand up for yourself and draw a line under this relationship.

Dieu · 15/04/2019 04:59

That is terrible, OP. I am so sorry Thanks

happymum12345 · 15/04/2019 05:07

i can understand how you must feel & particularly with a new baby. My advice would be not to rush into anything. Could you talk to him about how you feel again? Maybe writ le a letter & explain. Sometimes people just need a wake up call. I really hope you are able to work through this. Perhaps try marriage counselling? All the very best.

Weenurse · 15/04/2019 05:16

Sorry you are going through this.

HBStowe · 15/04/2019 07:23

Don’t give him an ultimatum, give him a simple direction - to fuck off out of your life. He’s a freeloading gaslighter who is actively laying the groundwork with his friends so he can cheat on you - which he absolutely will do if he can fool another poor girl into giving him the time of day.

Kick him out, get him paying CMS, find someone who is worth it. You don’t deserve to be treated this way.

DaisyEmma · 15/04/2019 11:12

At the very least he needs a wake up call- having a newborn is SO hard (in my experience) you are so vulnerable, that makes this situation all the more horrible. He should be caring for you! I'd say I want a divorce based on the message. Maybe it won't end up that way but it would certainly stop him thinking he can get away with this sh**ty behaviour. Good luck!

DaisyEmma · 15/04/2019 11:14

(Deftandglory gives good advice above actually)

Shoxfordian · 15/04/2019 11:23

Be strong op, you need to divorce him

anonforthespies43267 · 15/04/2019 11:30

Get rid. I hate it when people do things then try and make you believe ‘they didn’t mean it’ or ‘you took it the wrong way’
Don’t f-in say it then!

PregnantSea · 15/04/2019 11:37

Yet another poster saying he sounds like an absolute bellend. Stick to your guns OP, you're doing the right thing. good luck x

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 15/04/2019 11:45

You have a newborn, he's shit with money and he's happy to run off to a festival where he might cheat on you!?

Why are you even putting up with this! Pack his bags and tell the lazy shit to get out and stop sponging off you.

You are not being unreasonable and you are not 'fucking pathetic'. He is.

Damntheman · 15/04/2019 11:46

What an absolute dick! And then to try to gaslight you about it too! I am raging!

BingandFlop2019 · 15/04/2019 11:52

I really don't mean for this to sound mean or heartless but I think it's blatantly obvious you're not going to be caring for each other in retirement. Can you really see you & him still together in 50/60 years time? I'd bet my life against it. Get rid now, don't waste anymore time with such an uncaring bastard

BingandFlop2019 · 15/04/2019 11:56

The next time he calls you 'fucking pathetic' respond with "Gaslighting? How nice"

LumpyPillow · 15/04/2019 12:07

Start talking to your friends and family about it OP, confess! It will feel really good. I was the same, very private anyway but also deliberately covering up and pretending all was ok.

Talking to loved ones will help make it real and help you to take steps to leave him if thats what you decide.

He sounds very very selfish and like an 18 yr old single lad. and of course that message wasn't a joke, it matches with his no strings attached, no responsibilities lifestyle.

Bringbackbertha · 15/04/2019 12:15

Do you own your own home? If not have you got somewhere you can stay with dd?

I remember my ex telling me I was over exagerating and seeing things when I thought he was cheating.... turns out i was right all along.

Follow your gut. If it doesn't feel right or you dont feel loved and wanted then walk away.

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