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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How to train your in-laws

39 replies

HollyWoods8224 · 14/04/2019 23:20

It's like nailing water to a tree.

I've made some progress, they knock now, and they do txt to say they're coming over - but they still don't actually consider me saying no or having other guests, other plans as valid options.
(to me: because screw my plans, they don't matter)
DH doesn't feel the same and I really struggle to put it into words.

Am I completely nuts to think that there are big differences between:

"We're going to stop in" vs. "mind if we stop in around 2pm?"

"We've all got the day off so thought we'd come over for dinner" vs "if you don't have plans on your day off, would you mind hosting us all for family dinner, let us know what to bring?"

"i'll grab the mower in the morning" vs "could I please borrow your mower, what time works for you"

I just think it would just be nice, every now and then to be asked and have my response considered rather than just be told.

OP posts:

s0ckswithsandals · 14/04/2019 23:30

If it were me I would just say no and if they turned up anyway I just wouldn't answer the door. My mil started doing it when my DD was born. Wasted a 30 minute journey a few times and soon stoped. You do need to get your DH on board to make it easier.

SnowsInWater · 14/04/2019 23:43

You need to get your DH on board. Mine struggled to accept how manipulative MIL was (she would call me to say she was coming for the weekend, I would say no, then she would call DH to say she was coming for the weekend and tell him she had already let me know). I put up with it for years until I got to the age where I thought "screw that" and stopped trying so hard to make everything ok for everyone. Wished I had done it years ago - set your boundaries now and stick to them 😊

Cherrysoup · 15/04/2019 00:01

Agree re the dh, he needs to step up and say no. Every time they say they're Com ng over, tell them you have plans, even if you don't. Can't do Saturday lunch or Sunday dinner, busy, sorry. Block them every fucking time. With luck, they'll start actually asking as opposed to assuming and demanding.

Or, move FAR away!

ILoveMaxiBondi · 15/04/2019 00:12

They need to buy their own mower for starters!

Original poster

HollyWoods8224 · 15/04/2019 00:48

it’s difficult to get DH to fight against something he doesn’t notice, I think he’s just used to it.
He reads between the lines and somehow thinks that they are checking/asking - but I can’t see it.

Maybe I need google translate for in-laws?!

OP posts:

brizzlemint · 15/04/2019 01:01

The same way that you train your dragon - carefully

Aquamarine1029 · 15/04/2019 02:03

"We've all got the day off so thought we'd come over for dinner"

"No. Sorry, that doesn't work for us today."

KC225 · 15/04/2019 06:39

My MIL would also come over and walk straight in. When it became clear it became clear I was not happy with this arrangement, she had a tantrum saying 'I do not have to ask permission to come to my sons house'. My DH explained, that it wasn't asking permission, it was checking if we were in or if it was convenient. We then had a spate of her pulling onto the driveway of our house - where we could see her from the living room window and her phoning DH on his mobile, asking if it was okay to come in arrrrghhhhhhh. I feel your pain OP.

Hopeful16 · 15/04/2019 06:53

My MIL once turned up unannounced and
I said "oh hi, we were just on our way out" to which she walked past me, took off her coat and sat down! What do you say then!?!?! 🤷🏻‍♀️

She then talked at me for a while whilst I sat awkwardly wondering when she'd take the hint and then left. I find my ILs VERY thick skinned - or maybe they just choose what they hear!

flumpybear · 15/04/2019 07:01

No, we're Got plans, perhaps another time

FlossieTeacakesFurCoat18 · 15/04/2019 07:03

Could you start making plans with friends (that your dh likes) so he'd have to say no to his parents coming? He might notice then!

HBStowe · 15/04/2019 07:03

YANBU, that’s really rude and domineering.

If you can force your DH to agree, try pushing back - ‘2pm doesn’t work for us - how about tomorrow instead?’ etc. Hopefully they will eventually learn that you aren’t just at their beck and call!

Morgan12 · 15/04/2019 07:06

Do your family do any of this?

My family are very involved and over familiar. My mum 'pops' in about twice a day etc. So I don't have a leg to stand on when it comes to my in laws 😂

MRex · 15/04/2019 07:11

My family don't visit often, but they tend to demand rather than ask; not as bad as your examples but I've had to be a bit firmer with them. When they say "we're coming for dinner" try "that would be great but on Sunday, we're out on Saturday", or "we're using the mower this weekend, you can borrow it on Monday". Gradually they realise the answer might not be yes and make less assumptions.

Sunshinegirl82 · 15/04/2019 07:16

When they decide to just turn up does your DH do the hosting? Or is that on you? If so I'd stop it, no cups of tea etc. Just breezily say "I wish we'd known you were coming, I'm just in the middle of changing the beds/cleaning the bathroom/ going to the supermarket" and then just carry on as normal. DH doesn't have a problem with it so he can deal with it.

I'd be tempted to go out the next time they turn up, next time they say they're coming to dinner just go out and leave DH to deal with them. Might help him to get it!

Eslteacher06 · 15/04/2019 07:21

Mil gets really upset if I have the front door locked because she loves to just walk in. Doesn't matter that I live on a busy main road and we don't live in the 1950s where you could leave your front door open and trust people.

I make sure we have weekends booked up so she has to ask us to meet up.

Sounds like I'm being horrible to her, but this is after years of trying to please my PIL family and it would get me nowhere. Now I have set tight boundaries. She's getting used to it....very very slowly!

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 15/04/2019 07:22

DD trained her MIL by making DSIL realise that the way she treated him was unfair and domineering. Then they assumed a united front and told her she could forget about seeing DGS if she didn't behave. She's not a bad person, but she'll take a mile if she can get an inch. She grumped to me a bit, but when I pointed out that I hadn't won an argument with DD since was 9 she laughed.

IdaDown · 15/04/2019 07:25

“We’re going to pop in” - sorry I’m out but I’ll let DH know.

“...we’re going to stop by for dinner.” - excellent, DH is cooking ‘x’

If DH doesn’t see the problem; make plans with friends, be busy, don’t cook, don’t make the teas. Once their visits becomes his work he might change his mind.

IM0GEN · 15/04/2019 07:31

You don’t need to train your in-laws, you neee to train your husband.

He’s letting it happen because that’s less hassle than taking action to stop it. He gets to me Nr Nice who doesn’t see it as A Big Deal . As soon as it inconveniences him, he will stop it.

Do what a PP said ;

I'd be tempted to go out the next time they turn up, next time they say they're coming to dinner just go out and leave DH to deal with them.

Do you have a friend or family member who is unwell / has depression / is worried about their job/marriage /children / family member ? If not, find one now and go out to visit then when in-laws drop in unannounced. You can’t be expected to let down your friend who is unwell, just because in-laws have no manners.

Liverpool52 · 15/04/2019 07:49

Mine are like this - it's never "this is happening on X date, are you available" it's "you will cancel any existing plans and do as you're told". The final straw came when MIL threw a tantrum because I HAD TO WORK and couldn't just take time off to do what they wanted. Haven't seen or spoken to them since and although DH has explained to them why that behaviour is not acceptable, they just can't see that it is because they see me as a their subordinate who should do as I'm damn well told. It's sad because they've massively isolated themselves over the years and they're going to be very lonely people because their attitude means that not even their own son wants to spend time with them. But they made their bed so they can lie in it,

Original poster

HollyWoods8224 · 15/04/2019 08:31

Aquamarine1029, flumpybear, HBStowe, (and others) - saying no is easier said that done, when they say these things it’s never as a question, they don’t leave room in the conversation for me to respond. It just is, and I’m to accept it.

I’m sorry (and a little more comforted) knowing I’m not alone in dealing with this weird in law attitude thing.
That’s exactly what FIL said when I spoke to him a month or so ago! KC225

No, my family is blended, twice the size of DH, and none of them ever do this. My mother has been to visit once in 2 years, my dad lives 7 hours drive away, he does stay for maybe 3 weekends a year, but he always asks and books the spare room a month in advance (always brings bottle of something when he visits, takes us both out for a meal etc)

That’s a good idea to make it inconvenience DH more, I got fed up with hosting so quit to make a point but I could drop him with the entertaining and mindless small talk while I continue happily gardening/reading/ignoring the uninvited.

Honestly they aren’t bad people, I just think they have bad manners and they’ve been let get away with it for too long!

OP posts:

PregnantSea · 15/04/2019 08:37

100% agree that it's your DH's problem. They say they're coming over? Who cares, go run yourself a bath so you're in there when they arrive, DH can get the door. Spend a good hour in there and then when you're out of the bath get yourself dolled up and take yourself out. Meet a friend, go shopping, say you have an appointment. Anything really. You can smile and say hello to MIL on your way out the door.

Also make sure they're texting DH their plans and not you.

Do this every single time it happens. Then perhaps your DH will suddenly decide that he does need to put his foot down.

IM0GEN · 15/04/2019 08:38

They might not be bad people but they are rude and selfish.

ATM they are making this a power struggle between you and them for who is in control of your time and your house. Your husband is sstahing on the sidelines wringing his hands and saying “ well what can I do ? They are just like that”.

You need to opt out of this game completely and let them play it with their son. Then you can be the ones who smiles at him sympathetically as you are on your way out the door.

Do you have kids BTW? If not then don’t have them until your husband grows up . I’m serious. They will ramp up their control games and you will have fewer options.

Piffle11 · 15/04/2019 08:42

I feel your pain. We live a short walk from MIL and when DS1 was born they made my life hell. They would turn up unannounced - sometimes I would have MIL's DH (not my FIL) turn up on the morning and then MIL on the afternoon. Didn't care what I was doing: I looked up once whilst breast feeding DS and here's stepFIL stood at the window, demanding to be let in. MIL would walk around our house, banging on all the windows, trying all the doors, ringing the bell repeatedly and even shouting through the letterbox: I would be napping with DS, and when I opened the door and yelled 'we were having a nap!!' she'd say, 'oh you do right' and push past me. They would say 'just tell us if it's not convenient' but whenever I did, I'd get 'well we won't stay long', but of course they did. They expected us and DS to fit in with them. Baby asleep? Wake him up, we want to play. You're tired? Tough, we're coming in. You have company? We really don't give a shit, we're here now. You know how you get a lot of visitors in the first few months of a baby arriving? MIL would turn up unannounced and no matter that a strange car was on the drive, she'd come in and basically ruin the visit. She would turn up whenever with random people: neighbours, distant relatives, whoever. We asked them to ring first: if I didn't answer the phone because we were napping/busy/etc and it clicked on to answerphone, stepFIL would put the phone down and ring again. And again. And again … until I answered. Total arseholes. It caused massive bad feeling and I don't think we ever really recovered from it. Start as you mean to go on - put a stop to it as soon as possible: I didn't want to fall out with ILs so was softer than I should have been, and it did me no good.

Piffle11 · 15/04/2019 08:44

Can I ads that I second what @IM0GEN suggests? I was lucky as my DH backed me to the hilt. In your situation pass everything onto him. If they want dinner, he cooks. If they say they're coming round, you go out. Once he has to deal with it personally and see how bloody awkward it is, he may get on board.

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