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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How to train your in-laws

39 replies

HollyWoods8224 · 14/04/2019 23:20

It's like nailing water to a tree.

I've made some progress, they knock now, and they do txt to say they're coming over - but they still don't actually consider me saying no or having other guests, other plans as valid options.
(to me: because screw my plans, they don't matter)
DH doesn't feel the same and I really struggle to put it into words.

Am I completely nuts to think that there are big differences between:

"We're going to stop in" vs. "mind if we stop in around 2pm?"

"We've all got the day off so thought we'd come over for dinner" vs "if you don't have plans on your day off, would you mind hosting us all for family dinner, let us know what to bring?"

"i'll grab the mower in the morning" vs "could I please borrow your mower, what time works for you"

I just think it would just be nice, every now and then to be asked and have my response considered rather than just be told.

OP posts:

downcasteyes · 15/04/2019 08:46

I would move further away. Seriously.

Imoan123 · 15/04/2019 08:55

How about some malicious compliance/Reply with a statement. So when they say "we'll be popping over at 2pm" you could reply "we'll be out at 2pm" or if you have plans carry on with them, then they'll turn up at 2pm to nobody home. If they then say you weren't home, you can reply with "we'll you didn't ask if we would be".

OrdinarySnowflake · 15/04/2019 09:05

You need to treat the statements like they are questions and automatically say no, "we are going to drop in" reply with "sorry, we've got plans, how about xxx?", "you can do dinner on your day off" "whoops, just arranged to go to friends house, we could see you on yyyy." - even if it does work to see them, say it doesn't and offer another time/location.

Get them used to hearing no, even if they don't ask the question.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 15/04/2019 09:07

This sounds awful....it must be so hard.I think they are due a present OP,,b n q have a sale on 80 quid for a lawn mower..go buy them one ..that will stop them coming for that...80 quid well worth the outlay for a problem solved! Then I think you need to get a bit creative to put them off....Your home and hospitality is way too good and making them feel too comfortable...it must be like living in a shop window waiting for them to pounce! So,be in your pjs all day,lounge on sofa in them,they turn up carry on as you were...sorry we have run out of milk I cant make you a cuppa..blinds at the windows so they can't see in...anything ! Other than that I think you are going to have to be rude...You are entitled to your privacy and space.But as a start start by making them not so comfortable...find them jobs as soon as they arrive..oh FIL so glad your here can you cut our lawn before you take the mower? You are so good I knew you wouldnt mind! Or MIL I will make the tea can you be a darling and make a start with the ironing for me whilst I have a bath? I have been so exhausted lately here let me put the ironing board up for you! They will run a mile in no time! Or mine would! You see them pulling up get your coat on..just off out sorry and go.anywhere it doesnt matter...failing all attempts at basic training its time to get a grip of your husband and train him instead!

Disfordarkchocolate · 15/04/2019 09:15

I don't get any of this because of my husband, he knows what makes me comfortable (and he likes to be tidy when his Mum comes over). However, my parents and PILs are always happy for us to pop in though we'd generally ring in advance as it's over an hours drive.

HopefulAgain10 · 15/04/2019 10:35

The last time my in laws decided to surprise us for a 4 day stay thinking we would be doing cartwheels. I loathe unexpected visitors.

I honestly was rude, didn't go out of my way to make breakfast lunch and dinner. We didnt even do a food shop so were out of most things. Also we all were I'll with various things so we slept in, leaving them to it. They felt awkward. We also had an event to attend and they had to stay alone for a day finding stuff to do as they werent from around here. I think they felt very, very awkward and uncomfortable.
They never tried that again.

The next time they asked us a month in advance and we were well prepared and expecting them. We were able to plan days out and not make other plans. It was a completely different atmosphere and we all enjoyed.
When they left they thanked us for the great hospitality, and we thanked them for the notice! The message was clearly and well sent.

Its extremely rude just popping in or assuming you can borrow something.
They were like this until we just had to be rude and blunt and they got the message.

madeyemoodysmum · 15/04/2019 10:38

New mowers are a bargain in Aldi. Christmas gift sorted !!

Original poster

HollyWoods8224 · 15/04/2019 20:45

I don’t mind that he borrows our mower,
It’s the way he says he’ll pick it up when it suits him - as if he’s just entitled to grab our stuff because he wants to. The impact on anyone except him doesn’t even come into his thought process.

I don’t think giving them jobs would work? I feel like that would give them some sort of purpose to their visit, the last thing I would want is for them to think I NEED them to be there.

I’ll try be more abrasive at dinner this week.
The more I stew and think about it, the more fed up I get! They’re all (DH 100% included!) taking the piss.

OP posts:

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 16/04/2019 08:42

OP I totally get you dont want them to feel needed by giving them jobs...what I meant was sort of the reverse! By making them feel like I am not going round there cos all she does is find us work! Make them less comfortable not more! I hope you can find a solution I feel for you and its just not fair...its irritating and probably boring the pants off you trying to sort it out.The way I look at it with my inlaws is I married their son not them,they are their by default and their actions,advice and demands are not my problem,I deal with them with politeness but cool indifference.

LadyRannaldini · 16/04/2019 10:45

You need to get your DH on board

He may be busy 'training' his in-laws or are they perfect?

IceIceCoffee · 16/04/2019 11:12

Yeah mine is currently playing the victim because she no longer invites me to family events because I don't want her dog that bites around my dc.
And Im wrong to be upset about not being invited to whole family events.

I have no idea.

Original poster

HollyWoods8224 · 16/04/2019 19:15

LadyRannaldini
As I said, my family is twice the size of DH, but none of them do this or any thing of the kind - so no, he’s definitely not busy training his in-laws. He probably hasn’t even spoken to any of them since we visited them at Xmas. (I speak to/see each of them weekly).

My mums last visit to us was a year ago (planned in advance to see our new house), my dad does stay a few weekends out of the year but it’s he never expects it, it’s always planned in advance around our work etc.

I worked out that in the past month there has been 1 day, just 1 day! That our house was actually ours with none of DHs family.

Iced - there’s just no winning! I don’t even want to win, it’s not a game it’s my life, my home, my sanity (what’s left of it)

OP posts:

IM0GEN · 16/04/2019 19:47

Are you saying that his family have come to your home without being invited 30 times in the last month ?

Original poster

HollyWoods8224 · 16/04/2019 20:09

FIL and DH work together, Monday-Friday FIL comes over for his morning coffee and paper, parks on the driveway and DH drives them both to work. After work I have to wait for FIL to move his car so I can park on our driveway (There are two spots, one for me, one for DH - you would think)
FIL could park on the street, I’ve asked him to, especially when he knows he’ll be back late, but he doesn’t listen/care.
Then on weekends any combination of FIL, MIL or SIL will visit uninvited.

OP posts:

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