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AIBU?

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Original poster

Parents in law drinking

28 replies

KateTTC123 · 14/04/2019 22:55

I'm mostly looking for a good way to approach this. I'm currently almost 36 weeks pregnant with DC 2. DH's parents are our plan for what to do with DS when baby arrives as they live about 15 mins drive away. They also look after DS very regularly and he's very happy at their house. My own parents live 5 hours away so it needs to be them. The plan is that our neighbors would come round to watch DS for the time it takes for PIL to arrive at ours. DS arrived suddenly at 29 weeks and it was a very fast labour so we are already far further on than last time and I feel on pretty high alert. Anyway, they do know the plan but at the moment they are both drinking heavily most evenings. I feel bad asking them but I need them to nip this in the bud for a few weeks so they are able to come get DS when baby comes. How can I do this tactfully? AIBU to ask? Thanks!

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 14/04/2019 23:01

I wouldn't ask them. My db did one night and my parents lied and he found empty bottles of wine hidden at the bottom of the bin. Depressing that they couldn't go one evening without it. Do you by have siblings or friends you could ask instead?

Starlive23 · 14/04/2019 23:03

Do you think you could get DH to just gently mention something? Or maybe you could have a chat with them to go through the 'plan' of what is to happen on the night, if they have their phones off silent, if they have petrol etc then just also drop in 'oh, and I will take you out for a meal when we are settled with our new arrival, just to thank you for all those sober nights you have had to endure!' to try to mention it, but not make it so as that was the sole reason for the chat.

Then just blame it on impending baby brain and just wanting to make sure and double check there is nothing you have forgotten. Maybe even say it again in a week or so and say 'oh yes sorry, I'm all over the place, we have already discussed all this!' but drop the drinking in again as a passing comment.

InDubiousBattle · 14/04/2019 23:04

Are you sure they're drinking? Are they taking turns maybe, so one is always sober? If you've made a proper plan with them they must know that for the next month or so they might be called upon to look after their dgc at potentially pretty short notice. How old is your ds?

Original poster
KateTTC123 · 14/04/2019 23:11

@starlive23 I like that approach. Nice and casual.
@indubiousbattle yes, the definitely see unfortunately. They are pretty big drinkers anyway and just probably haven't really thought about it. At one point they even mentioned booking a holiday 2 weeks before baby is due and it wasn't until I asked them if DH's aunt could take DS if baby arrived that my MIL suddenly said she would change the date until after baby was born. Unfortunately we don't have any friends or other family nearby who could have DS (he's 2) so we really are relying on them.

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Original poster
KateTTC123 · 14/04/2019 23:12

Total typo there sorry! I meant "yes, they definitely are unfortunately"

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Loopytiles · 14/04/2019 23:15

So it sounds like they have an alcohol problem, so even if sober while looking after DC may be distracted. So, sadly, they are not suitable to have sole charge of your DC. Suggest making alternative arrangements for childcare when you have DC2.

(Have been in a similar situation and had to do that).

cushellekoala · 14/04/2019 23:19

Depending on what time you went into labour could your neighbours have DS until say 7am (if was evening/nightime)? My neighbours offered to have DD when i went into labour.

Original poster
KateTTC123 · 14/04/2019 23:21

@loopytiles I don't think it's as extreme as that tbh. When they have DS at theirs they don't drink and FIL has even lost quite a lot of weight through being more active with DS. They are really good with him and it's really important to them and us that they have a good relationship with him. I think it's mostly that they just haven't thought through the plan tbh. I would like DH to bring it up with them but he can be a little tactless at times so I'd rather do it myself but with a sensitive approach if possible. Also not sure when I should expect them to start being sober from (or taking it in turns) AIBU to think they should stop from now really as baby really could arrive any day but there is obviously a 6 week window really so I feel like it's a lot to ask.

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Original poster
KateTTC123 · 14/04/2019 23:24

@cushellekoala we only moved here in September so I don't feel like we know them well enough to ask. They have a DD a little younger than DS and have always been lovely when we've had them round for lunch etc but they really don't know DS and he doesn't know them either so it would be a lot to ask. It may end up being what needs to happen in an emergency though but I'd really like to avoid it if possible.

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LJS79 · 14/04/2019 23:24

Is it out of your way to drop your son off there on the way to hospital?
Or just say to them have they thought how they would get to yours if if happened at night? They could always get a cab?

ohhelpohnoitsa · 14/04/2019 23:26

I dont think the casual dropping it in a conversation will work. If they haven't already realised, they simply wont get that hint. Dh needs to be plain straight with them. "Labour could be any day now, can you please make sure that one of you is on duty, has no booze and is able to drive over". If they have already agreed to it, they should be being proactive anyway but aren't. You really dont need to be worrying about this. Good luck.

Original poster
KateTTC123 · 14/04/2019 23:28

@LJS79 yes, potentially we could do that, I just don't feel comfortable leaving DS with them if they are drunk though. They have him overnight once a week already and don't drink then (maybe a glass of something but they don't get drunk anyway). I wouldn't like to leave DS there if it was the middle of the night and we'd had to wake him up and they were drunk; wouldn't be fair on him or them I think. It's not so much of an issue during the day as MIL works and FIL is retired but doesn't drink until the evening.

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myrtleWilson · 14/04/2019 23:28

are you worried about their ability to look after your DC or their ability to get there? If the latter can they not get a cab to yours? Presumably on arrival at your house in the evening they'll be going to bed anyway?

Original poster
KateTTC123 · 14/04/2019 23:31

@ohhelpohnoitsa yeah you're probably right. It just feels like I'm the only one worrying about this. DH was over there today and when he came back he just casually mentioned that they were getting really drunk; it hadn't even occurred to him that this wasn't ideal. I'll need to get him to step up and speak to them about it.

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BertrandRussell · 14/04/2019 23:33

So they are properly drunk every night? I really think you need to be very direct about this-you can’t possibly rely on them as things stand. Maybe they just need a wake up call?

Original poster
KateTTC123 · 14/04/2019 23:34

@myrtlewilson both probably. They would either take him back to theirs or stay with him here depending on the time. I think we all need to sit down and work out the details of the plan though so that everyone is clear. They know, and are happy with having DS but we need to work it out on a scenario by scenario basis I think.

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Fjfs · 14/04/2019 23:34

If they're 'heavy drinkers' why do you think they're ok to mind your ds?

Fjfs · 14/04/2019 23:36

And if they're heavy drinkers why are you allowing them to care for your ds?

WatershedMoment · 14/04/2019 23:37

They are either ready to pick up your son or not. If they are drunk they are not ready so you need to tell them upfront or make other arrangements.

Original poster
KateTTC123 · 14/04/2019 23:38

@bertrandrussle not properly drunk every night I think but they do have more than a couple of glasses very regularly. Neither DH or I are big drinkers but his family do drink a lot; it's just what they do for fun. Asking them not to for 6 weeks (potentially) seems like a lot but it's also just what needs to happen. I've got no signs that I'll go into labour tonight but I'm awake worrying about it as I have no idea what we would do with DS if I did as I know how drunk they are today.

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Original poster
KateTTC123 · 14/04/2019 23:40

@fjfs because when they know they are having him they don't drink. They look after him really well and I have no qualms about leaving him with them usually, it's just because this is a "could happen any time" situation so it would mean asking them to either not drink or take it in turns for potentially quite a while.

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MrsBobDylan · 14/04/2019 23:43

I think you just need to say that they need to be on standby to look after ds and that means not drinking. Are they ok to commit to a dry 6 weeks or would they like you to arrange back up?

Original poster
KateTTC123 · 14/04/2019 23:47

@mrsbobdylan I guess that's what we need to figure out. I haven't asked them (stupidly thought they would have realised it for themselves as they know they are having DS)
Problem is I'm have no idea what our back up plan would be! My family are too far away, friends aren't close enought either, all DH's family are drinkers so would be the same if any of them were back-up and really his PIL are the only ones I'd feel comfortable leaving him with (when sober). We moved here to be closer to them so we are fairly relient on them in situations like this.

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Fossie · 14/04/2019 23:51

Ring them late in the evening. Say perhaps you had a little scare about starting labour. Get round to asking point blank if they would have been
able to drive round. Ask them if they have a suggestion of what you should do if it had been labour starting for real if they have been drinking. Don’t let them fob you off. They will try to minimise. Tell them how worried you are feeling.

OopsOhNoZHM · 14/04/2019 23:54

If drinking is that important to them, suggest that at very least they take it in turns on alternate evenings so that one of them is always sober.

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