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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Housework!!!

33 replies

Starlive23 · 14/04/2019 19:25

I don't think I am BU but, good to get objective opinions...I work 3 days, DH works 5 days. We have a DD who just turned 1.

So, housework...my husband takes the bins out on bin night and occasionally empties cat litter box. He does sometimes was DD's bottles IF I ask.

I do everything else. All the washing, ironing, cleaning, cooking and organising DD.

He is a good dad, he does his share of nappies etc so that's not an issue but...really?! I can't be unreasonable in thinking that yes he does work 2 days more than me, but I would say I do about 95% of the housework.

It's driving me bloody mad!!

OP posts:
MsVestibule · 14/04/2019 19:30

If I had a £ for every time I've read this on MN...

When do you do your 95% 'share'? On the 2 days when you're (presumably) looking after your DD? Or evenings and weekends?

Original poster
Starlive23 · 14/04/2019 19:37

All the time, just throughout the day really and when I get home from work This is somewhat light-hearted, but I just feel like a bloody maid today so bit of a rant.

I know it's probably been done to death but just feeling a bit sorry for myself.

OP posts:
Pippa12 · 14/04/2019 19:44

We do same ratio of work as you and your hubby, he takes the bins out and will generally tidy round or follow a list of tasks if I write one. As for proper cleaning GrinGrinGrin

If I’m honest with myself I probably spend an 1-1.5hour on housework everyday which doesn’t equate to the same as 2 10 hour shifts like he does. If we are in together tho, he’ll do upstairs and I’ll do downstairs etc. I’m happy with this but it took me a long time to accept it.

FriarTuck · 14/04/2019 19:47

Well since you should be able to get most of it done in 2 days easily....

miggeldysthepres · 14/04/2019 19:48

I'm assuming dd is at home with you those 2 days?

ILoveMaxiBondi · 14/04/2019 19:50

Presumably you’re caring for your 1 year old on the 2 days that you are not at your paid employment and he is at his? So the housework should still be split evenly between the two of you on evening and weekends.

Original poster
Starlive23 · 14/04/2019 19:51

Sorry yes I have DD when I'm not at work, so I can do bits and bobs which I don't mind, it's all the stuff after work and the weekends really that grind me down a bit.

OP posts:
Cuppaqueen · 14/04/2019 19:52

What did you do before you had DD? Were you both full time and did he do his share then? And what does he say when you challenge him about it?

I've gone back to work recently (DS nearly 2) and I can honestly say it's easier being in the office, even in a busy/stressful job, than it was being at home with a toddler!

ILoveMaxiBondi · 14/04/2019 19:54

Yes what happened before DD came?

Sunshinegirl82 · 14/04/2019 19:54

I work 3 days and have DS (2) at home the other 2. Whilst I do what I can in terms of housework in those days (load dishwasher, put washing in, general tidying) I don't do "big" jobs ie. clean bathroom, change beds etc.

My view is that I am at home 2 days a week to look after DS. Everything else needs to be shared when we are both in the house. I'd be annoyed if I spent all weekend doing housework for example whilst DH did what he wanted!

HamCheeseHamnCheese · 14/04/2019 19:55

I do the lion’s share of housework in my house because DH doesn’t clean to my standards. He does a lot of DIY work on the house, so I don’t really mind.

Ncasouting19 · 14/04/2019 19:55

I probably do more of the washing and cleaning but dh does most of the cooking, will do washing and cleaning if I ask him, but it's more of a wipe round.

I am currently pregnant so he is doing ALOT more than his fair share while I am throwing up and feeling rubbish.

We both try to do our fair share so we can sit down together in the evening.

Oh I also do all the household bills etc because I am better at it.

MsVestibule · 14/04/2019 19:56

So when you're doing housework in the evenings and at weekends, what is he doing?

Original poster
Starlive23 · 14/04/2019 19:57

@Cuppaqueen - I hear ya!

Yes before DD we both worked full time and I went to uni at night, but I still seemed to do most of it. It just didn't seem as important to be organised before DD came along.

I realize that this is my own doing! When i met him I used to avoid his flat as it was always just overflowing with washing. It's a mixture of laziness and knowing if he leaves of then I'll do it I suspect.

I'm tempted to just stop washing and ironing his clothes. Just do mine and DD, see how far he gets...but I can only imagine him turning his undies inside out to get a few more wears out of them Sad

OP posts:
Pinkprincess1978 · 14/04/2019 20:04

We both work full time and I still do more house work. DH thinks washing and drying most of the laundry (he rarely sorts and fold it but dies iron his abc DC's uniforms/work clothes). He cooks some meals and sporadically loads or unloads the dishwasher but generally I do all the cleaning and house work. Even our DC's comment although usually saying why should they help when daddy doesn't 😡

I've tried talking to him about it but he really can't see that I do more. When I cook a meal he just gets up from the table and leaves me to clear up. When he cooks a meal.... he gets up from the table and leaves me to clear up!

Original poster
Starlive23 · 14/04/2019 20:08

Good god, good to see I'm not alone at least!

DH suggested I get him a chalk board and if I want him to do something, write it at the start of the week!!!

Surely it's not rocket science...if there are clothes hanging out the basket, put them in the washing machine!!! I don't think it warrants a list of instructions...I think he suggests this because he knows it's bloody ludicrous!

OP posts:
Cuppaqueen · 14/04/2019 20:10

@Sunshinegirl82 I 100% agree with you!

OP, I think you know how this situation has come about. The question is, what are you going to do about it? Stop doing his washing and ironing for a start, that's just him taking care of himself! If he worked full time and was single he'd do this, zero reason he can't do it now. Any chores which are effectively 'joint' as in you both benefit, eg cooking, cleaning, should be shared as much as possible. Obviously on the two days you're at home, you can put the dishwasher on, hang out washing etc, tidy up all the things you and DD use during the day, but otherwise you're looking after her. And on the days you both work, there is no excuse! I'd write down everything that needs doing in a normal week, sit down with him and insist you split it. His response will tell you volumes.

This is all the more important after you have a kid. Before I had DS, I probably did more than DH (not like you, but say 20% more) - before we even started TTC I told DH there was no way we were having babies together unless he was 50/50 on everything, childcare and chores. And to be fair to him, he did it! (If he didn't, there would be Workd War Three but still Grin)

Good luck! Don't put up with this for even one more day!

BlackCatSleeping · 14/04/2019 20:13

It's not fair that you are doing almost everything. He definitely sees it as women's work.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 14/04/2019 20:13

but I can only imagine him turning his undies inside out to get a few more wears out of them

Why would that be a problem for you?

Cuppaqueen · 14/04/2019 20:14

@Starlive23 A chalk board!!!

I think you should get a chalk board ... and then you be him for your 3 days at work. Do exactly what he does (ie nothing) and then get him to write on the chalk board everything he finds needs doing. Great way to learn!

Sunshinegirl82 · 14/04/2019 20:36

So above all this stuff? Is that the message? When you're cooking, washing his pants, changing the bed he sleeps in what is he doing? I'd have to patience for this and would be looking for some significant changes.

Whilst he should be able to see what needs doing and just do it I suspect that the dynamic is quite ingrained now so you will probably need a rota of some sort to shift things. You shouldn't have to do it but unless you have plans to LTB in practical terms it might be necessary.

Original poster
Starlive23 · 14/04/2019 20:40

@Maxi - not my problem as such, true! But don't want to be getting into bed with his smelly butt and balls smelling pants!

OP posts:
ILoveMaxiBondi · 14/04/2019 20:44

See, I’m struggling to understand how you get into bed with him anyway tbh when he’s so disrespectful of you as to leave you to do all the shitty stuff he doesn’t want to do. But then I wouldn’t have made it up the aisle after seeing his slovenly flat when you first met. I’d have heeded that warning sign!

Original poster
Starlive23 · 14/04/2019 20:57

In all seriousness, I really am going to have a chat with him, it's gone beyond a joke. He's a great dad and has many really great qualities but this is making me resent him. I will have a proper discussion when DD is asleep.

OP posts:
ILoveMaxiBondi · 14/04/2019 21:02

Yes you will, and I think you’ll have to be prepared to stop doing things for him. And accept this means they won’t be done.

Have a think beforehand about everything you do that can be shared. Cooking? Each cook 3 evening meals a week, alternate the 7th night or make that a takeaway night. Food shopping? Meal planning? Batch cooking? Maybe agree on doing a once a week house clean on a Saturday morning where one of you does upstairs and the other does downstairs then swap the following week.

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