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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To eat midt meals with an involuntary knot in my stomach?

30 replies

bordellosboheme · 14/04/2019 18:42

My kids are 3 and 7. They often squabble. I have become intimidated by them. Especially at meal times. They will not sit on a chair for long. They cry and moan. The youngest throws cutlery. This is the same at home or if out for a meal. They want to play on my phone. We forbid this. They cry and moan more. They leave half or most of their dinner. I try to chat nicely with them. The oldest replies sarcastically and is sullen. They don't respect food or mealtimes. I'm now always eating my dinner with a massive knot in my stomach. It's making me ill. The stress is massive and I don't have any tricks left up my sleeve.

OP posts:
Original poster
bordellosboheme · 14/04/2019 18:45

Sorry about the typo in the title... Trying to edit it!

OP posts:
megletthesecond · 14/04/2019 18:46

Yanbu.
I've been through the same thing for a few years. Mainly caused by my now 10yr olds behaviour and meltdowns. I ended up with constant IBS and was a mess.

We now eat in front of the tv watching something nice and educational. Lots of chatting and DD no longer has meltdowns over meals. It was a battle that I wasn't winning even in the long term. My health was more important.

mbosnz · 14/04/2019 18:49

I wouldn't be taking them out to eat while they're behaving like this - it adds to your stress.

I don't tolerate crying, moaning, throwing cutlery or anything else.

They are told to excuse themselves from the table, they come to witness their food being put in the bin, and they go to bed. That's that.

I don't argue, try to negotiate, or anything else.

(However, I did used to read them poetry at dinner time - yes I know, how utterly pretentious, and if they were being VERY good, they might be entertained by Mum trying to do the Jabberwocky. . .)

Babooshkar · 14/04/2019 18:49

Are they disciplined for this behaviour? I have a 7 & 3yo myself and when they behave this way (they all do!) I ask nicely once, l then sternly warn with with a consequence mentioned for if X behaviour continues and if they carry on I obv have to follow through with what I’ve said. This could be removal of a toy / screen time / or an early bedtime etc.. If massive drama continues then potentially time-out for one or both.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 14/04/2019 18:51

How would it be if you engaged them more? Maybe got them to help with the cooking, laying the table etc.

In our house bad behaviour at the table gets you sent to bed. I am quite strict about it and even now my young adult kids don’t look at their phones at the table.

You sound a bit overwhelmed by your kids. Time to take back control OP.

flingingmelon · 14/04/2019 18:54

I can't help, just wanted to let you know that we are in the same boat.

WineThanks

Original poster
bordellosboheme · 14/04/2019 19:01

Yes they are disciplined. But they just don't listen to me. I'm trying not to have them associate food and stress, so I have never binned their food. But I have said to them ill give it to the dogs if they don't eat it Hmm. I feel cruel saying that though. I'm just wondering why they can't have any appreciation or gratitude for food. Especially a lovely Sunday lunch I spent 2 hrs cooking today Angry

OP posts:
mbosnz · 14/04/2019 19:05

They're kids!!! They're totally self absorbed, and have absolutely no idea about the effort and time you've put in!

Firstly, stop putting in that kind of effort and hoping for a reciprocal degree of appreciation - not gonna happen.

Not wanting them to associate food and stress is why I don't negotiate or argue - or threaten. I tell them what will happen if they continue with this behaviour. If they don't desist, I simply tell them to get down from the table, they're being unacceptably rude and that won't be tolerated. Off to pop the food in the bin, no ranting or anything, just scraped into the bin, and teeth and bed.

It took a grand total of two times with each child, and they got the message.

Wearywithteens · 14/04/2019 19:16

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Fairenuff · 14/04/2019 19:19

I have said to them ill give it to the dogs if they don't eat it

Do you follow through and give it to the dogs?

Original poster
bordellosboheme · 14/04/2019 19:20

Mbosnz... Appreciate they're kids, but I like to east or try to eat a somewhat balanced diet so I do like putting the effort in or else we would literally be on pizza sausage and chips every day and I'd probably have a heart attack by 50. I don't expect rapturous thanks from them. Just for them to sit still for 20 freaking minutes and eat!! But reading I am not alone here makes me feel better. Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
bordellosboheme · 14/04/2019 19:22

Fairenuff I did once with the oldest Dc... It seemed to help for a while! Perhaps the memory has faded!

OP posts:
museumum · 14/04/2019 19:22

I'm just wondering why they can't have any appreciation or gratitude for food. Especially a lovely Sunday lunch I spent 2 hrs cooking today

But they genuinely don’t care. They’d probably rather have a ham sandwich. You really are on a losing battle if you expect them to appreciate your extra effort at this age.

Original poster
bordellosboheme · 14/04/2019 19:23

Wearywithteens.. What do you suggest then? I don't hit them or lock them in their rooms!

OP posts:
mbosnz · 14/04/2019 19:24

I know you do! I totally sympathise - and no, mine didn't live on pizza and sausage and chips etc. I did find that setting some rules like 'all greens (and carrots) must go, but you don't have to eat all spuds/rice or protein, but you must give them a decent go, helped. Also, a little bit of ice cream, or a couple of squares of chocolate to look forward to seemed to provide a good incentive.

You're not alone. And good on you for trying to give them a good diet, and going to such efforts.

Oh, another thing I found was that if they were allowed to pick a meal (from a range of meals) once a week, if they didn't kick off, at all in that week, that seemed to help.

Fairenuff · 14/04/2019 19:26

It sounds like you make threats and don't carry them through. The children know that you don't mean it so they ignore you.

Try this. Make a meal. Put it on the table and sit down to eat. Ignore their bad behaviour but if you see any good behaviour mention it immediately. Say things like 'You're showing lovely manners'. Talk about things other than eating.

If they don't eat give them one reminder that there is nothing else. If they still don't eat, remove the food and let them get down from the table.

If they ask for food later offer fruit. Nothing else. Don't comment on them not eating, wasting food or misbehaving. Ignore all that. If it's not getting them any attention they will stop.

You have to mean it and you have to stick to it. Once they know they can trust you they will behave better for you.

bridgetreilly · 14/04/2019 19:27

It's totally fine to give them easy and quick meals that don't require lots of effort and/or gratitude. Takes 15 minutes to boil some broccoli, cook some pasta and sauce, grate a bit of cheese on top. It's also okay if some meals they don't eat very much. Not every meal, obviously, but if they're kicking off, it's not the end of the world if occasionally the end result is no food, or not much.

I would make mealtimes as quick and fuss-free as possible, at the moment, rather than aiming for quality family time. Twenty minutes is a long time. Five minutes of eating and good behaviour is better than twenty minutes of arguing and stress. You could even set a timer so they know how long they are expected to sit nicely and eat their dinner.

RoseDog · 14/04/2019 19:27

Have you tried things like fajitas that they can 'make' themselves or other meals that they can serve themselves?

20 minutes is a long time to to try and make them sit and eat.

Let them eat in front of the tv a couple of nights a week, they will eat without thinking.

Wearywithteens · 14/04/2019 19:28

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Ohyesiam · 14/04/2019 19:29

Threaten to remove what matters to them, screens, sweets, activities etc. Follow through.
Set down exactly what your expectations are, so no moaning, no throwing cutlery etc and let them know The consequences.

Mine are 12 and 15 and I still have to say only conversation at the table, so no odd noises, no endless imitating memes or repeated pointless remarks in bad American accents etc. Just interaction or hush.

Iwannasnack · 14/04/2019 19:30

Just following as in a similar boat. We’ve given up eating with them as it was too unpleasant. It’s still the worst part of the day that I dread coming round.

Eurovision · 14/04/2019 19:30

I find meal times a lot less stressful when the children are really hungry. They don't snack as a rule in the afternoon. If they seem like they really can't last they can have fruit after school.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 14/04/2019 19:35

I agree, get the behaviour sorted before you worry about the food being amazing. Something like beans on toast and an apple is reasonably nutritious in the short term.

Tell them beforehand your expectations and tell them what will happen if they fail to meet them. Then follow through if necessary. Natural justice works best. So if you are being disruptive and mean no one wants to be near you so you go to bed. If you are messing with your food, well you’re obviously not hungry enough to require pudding. If you are rude to mummy, well she won’t feel like reading you a story at bedtime.

Original poster
bordellosboheme · 14/04/2019 19:35

Ohyesiam omg the weird noises carry on that long do they? Jesus wept! 😱

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