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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family and baby's first birthday

53 replies

Giraffesarecool · 14/04/2019 11:13

Some may remember my previous post about my DM and DSis going a bit ott about not making a Mother's day meal.

So, DS first birthday coming up. We arranged for a party on the Thursday (actual day of birthday) at ours just so family can see him and a nice occasion for a catch up.

Anyway, we decided to change to the Saturday after so DSS could be with us and DMil. If we did the Thursday it's possible DMil would want to come stay as DP has booked the Thursday and Friday off and as usual we would end up with no time to ourselves during booked time off. We also thought more people would be able to come and we could start it earlier so DS would be awake and present for longer.

Turns out my DSis can't attend because of freelance work. Nor an issue, I'm not her biggest fan at the moment and would be more than happy for anyone who can't make party to pop by on his birthday.

It's not a huge deal at all.

Except now it's becoming all complicated, like every family thing! My DM birthday is the week before DS. She has now said because they thought we were doing it on his actual birthday they wanted to be around in the run up (no idea why!) To his bday. So they're going away the weekend we wanted to change it to. She could go away the weekend before her bday, or the weekend after. But that's not for me to dictate. But, they've just bought a caravan and have been going away there every weekend, which is awesome. Except I strongly suspect they're just going the caravan that weekend.

DM has suggested she throws a party for him on his actual birthday at hers so my DSis can see him and my Auntie who also can't come.

The more I think about it the more it's pissing me off. I was so looking forward to hosting our son's first bday party and making the cake with my friend and actually hosting in our new home (we couldn't at previous house). She's suggesting we do two parties, the one we planned at the weekend, and the one she wants to do on his birthday. Which seems pointless as most will just go the one at my mum's. Plus it'll be so over the top and she'll expect us there all day to help set up, when wed much rather be off to the zoo or something.

All I wanted was a low key tea party at ours, for whoever could make it. I wanted both sets of grandparents there and anyone else was a bonus.

DP have spoken and we'4e going to speak to DMil about doing something just me, DP, DS, DSS and DMil at the Weeknd, like the zoo or something. Then have the party at ours on the Thursday. Poor Mil misses out, again. But she's less fussed or demanding.

My DM is always making stuff like this difficult.

AIBU to think this has become a complete farce and that my DM should go away another weekend for her birthday rather than totally take over my son's party?

Sorry for the rant. I'm just so fed up of this. It's gone on for so long.

OP posts:
fc301 · 14/04/2019 11:25

Christ that sounds exhausting.

"Right so there's no date that suits everyone so DP & I would love to see anyone who can pop in on the Thursday to celebrate DS birthday."

Do something nice on the Sat to include DSS eg an outing

Confusedbeetle · 14/04/2019 11:28

All this for a child who wont have the faintest idea!. Forget the party. Just tell everyone they are welcome to pop in whenever they want. Your mothers birthday has more significance than a babys. Sorry, it just is. Wait until your child is old enough to enjoy it, 2 or 3

Original poster
Giraffesarecool · 14/04/2019 11:29

It is so so exhausting! It's all the time with everything, and me and DP always come out last on the list of priorities. No matter how many times we say 'this time we're going to do what we want'.

On Mother's Day (my first one) we ended up just going around to everyone's to please them. I didn't get to do what I wanted.

Problem is I've already been the dutiful daughter and said no that sounds nice just let me speak to DP cause I can't be arsed with them kicking off over yet another happy occasion.

Eugh. Sorry for the rant. It's just never straight forward!

OP posts:
Original poster
Giraffesarecool · 14/04/2019 11:31

@confusedbeetle I understand he won't know what's going on. We're not the type to make a huge fuss. He got 1 present from us for his first Xmas. He'll have the same for his birthday. We just never get to see anyone and it's a lovely opportunity for people to see the new house, see everyone, everyone see DS and just enjoy a happy time together. I don't think I'm so wrong for wanting that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Giraffesarecool · 14/04/2019 11:32

And totally agree DM bday takes precedence, but it's her bday almost two weeks before his! She's welcome to celebrate her bday as and when she pleases, but totally taking over my plans to suit her pissed me off. She has form for this. Her way or the highway.

OP posts:
HopefulAgain10 · 14/04/2019 11:34

You are making it so complicated for yourself, and its unecessary. Pick a date, who ever can make it comes and those who cant wont. Hes 1. If it's to celebrate him , he wont remember nor care.

Original poster
Giraffesarecool · 14/04/2019 11:36

I don't think I am making it complicated though. How hard is it to just say there's a tea party on this day, if you can come great, if you can't don't worry. I thought I might get flamed for daring to have a party for a 1 year old!

OP posts:
LittleOwl153 · 14/04/2019 11:37

Sounds to me like who shouts loudest gets to call the shots. Seems unfair doesn't it.
Dmil missing out again - didn't she miss out over mothers day too as I recall.

Decide what you want to do and stick to it. If the party at yours on the weekend is what you and babys dad want to do then do it. If you dont stand up to your mother soon you are likely to cause problems elsewhere - is your do happy his mother is constantly left out?

Drum2018 · 14/04/2019 11:38

Stick to a date you want and if people can't make it so be it. You don't have to consider who can or can't come. It's an invitation, not a bloody summons so they can either make arrangements to be there or not. Let this be the event that you and Dh take control of - the start of you putting yourselves first and not pandering to anyone else's demands.

DowntonCrabby · 14/04/2019 11:40

You set the date and the details and whomever can attend, great. Changing plans last min maybe wasn’t ideal for people though so you could maybe propose a drop-in on the actual birthday. Maybe message people to say, we’ll be home and will do birthday cake at x’o clock for anyone who wants to drop in.

Rosesaredead · 14/04/2019 11:40

Agree that you're making it complicated. Just say that the party is Saturday and there won't be two parties as he's one and it's unnecessary, also you're planning to do something just you, DS and DH on the Thursday as you don't want a big deal.

Original poster
Giraffesarecool · 14/04/2019 11:46

She didn't in the end, because I put my foot down. With severe backlash for my DSis.

DP has seen the wrath of my parents and is very laid back and would rather not cause an arguement. DMil is also laid back for the most part and doesn't buy into the hype of all this shit so much.

I think you're right for us to say we're going ahead on Saturday, you can see him on his bday. Problem is I basically said yes to her this morning because I didn't want her to kick off and felt pressured to respond. Christ I need to grow some balls.

Do I go back on what I said now and deal with the shit? I don't want my parents thinking I'm prioritising DMil over them.

OP posts:
Uggywuggy · 14/04/2019 11:47

How hard is it to just say there's a tea party on this day, if you can come great, if you can't don't worry.

So why not just stick to your original plans?? No other parties, your DM etc can come visit for lunch/whatever when they’re free.

I agree with Littleowl, you keep giving in to your DM, sending her the message that you will always fit around her. You need to stand up for yourself!!

So what if she has a tantrum? Just ignore her. I never have an issue if people want to lose their shit over something like this, they can either suck it up and attend or not. If they are the sort of person to hold a grudge over something like this, let them and just focus on your little family.

If you don’t nip this in the bud now, you will always be giving in to DM. Think how frustrating a lifetime of that will be!!

Nofilter101 · 14/04/2019 11:48

You need to put your foot down now or it will be this way for the rest of your ds life. Just tell her you've changed your mind as it's his first bday and you have planned it, she's raised her kids and you'd appreciate it if she'd let you raise yours. It will only get worse and you will regret it imo

Original poster
Giraffesarecool · 14/04/2019 11:49

@uggywuggy I totally agree and I am trying to put my foot down more but it's exhausting dealing with it all the time.

I also have some deep-rooted issues regarding my Mum that makes me want her approval and love when she can be very yo yo like when I don't toe the line. It's hard to break a lifetime of habit. Promise I am trying though.

I just really don't want DS 1st birthday to start a load of issues and arguements and horrible messages from my sister etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
Giraffesarecool · 14/04/2019 11:50

Would I be unreasonable to say I've had a think and actually no it's the Saturday, deal with it. Even though I've practically said yes already?

OP posts:
HBStowe · 14/04/2019 11:51

I think you changing the date maybe complicated things but that said they are all being a pain I would now stick to your guns on the date you have chosen.

Uggywuggy · 14/04/2019 11:52

Yep, text or email your DM if you find it too hard to deal with her on the phone. Just say, after having time to think about it, original plan is back in place, if you can’t change your plans, no issues. If you can, great!!

Whisky2014 · 14/04/2019 11:52

You are making it complicated by overthinking everyone and how it affects you or have feeling did guilt creeping in which is stressing you out.

Just do a party on the date that you want. That's it.

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 14/04/2019 11:54

I agree it's all a bit complicated and unnecessary. I understand wanting to make his first birthday a bit special (even though he won't have a clue!) but you planned one thing that suited some, then changed it in an effort to suit others (and when it occurred to you Mil might want to stay) but the new date now doesn't work for those who could have made the original date. It doesn't read like you thought it out too well in the first place if it was only afterwards you thought about having DSS there...

You see it as your family being difficult but it's you making arrangements then chopping and changing, you're the one asking people to change their plans and now your baby's birthday has turned into another family drama!

In future just make your plans and tell people what you're doing but without putting any pressure or expectation on them - We're doing this thing on this date, love to see you if you can make it and leave it at that.

Uggywuggy · 14/04/2019 11:54

Good on you, Giraffesarecool! It’s hard to break habits of a lifetime- baby steps!! Smile

Original poster
Giraffesarecool · 14/04/2019 11:55

Thanks guys, you all make it sounds so clear and simple. In truth I want my parents there but it's just going to be ridiculous her way. It sounds silly but im so looking forward to putting some banners up, blowing up some balloons and making him a cake. And celebrating that we made it through the craziest and best year of my life all whilst surrounded by loved ones. DS will love it too. He adores having people around, and balloons! He really likes balloons!

OP posts:
Drum2018 · 14/04/2019 11:56

No you wouldn't be unreasonable as Saturday suits you better. And that's all that matters. If your sister texts abuse will you just block her for a few days so you won't have to put up with her shit.

Original poster
Giraffesarecool · 14/04/2019 12:00

@cantsleepclownswillwatme totally understand and we have ballsed up there big style. First time doing this so have definitely learnt a lesson.

We had concerns about having a weekend with DSS and then having a party for DS as we didn't want him feeling left out. Then we realised he loves his DB to bits and DS will have many birthdays. We can't hide DSS from that, or not celebrate DS to try to stop DSS feeling left out.

We then clicked about DMil who is great, but having our precious holiday time taken up with her staying when we could pair it all up into one seemed so much more logical.

But yes, lesson learnt.

OP posts:
Uggywuggy · 14/04/2019 12:00

Definitely do the party your way, it’s a special one for you and your DH more so than DS, who really has no idea what’s going on!!