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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family and baby's first birthday

53 replies

Giraffesarecool · 14/04/2019 11:13

Some may remember my previous post about my DM and DSis going a bit ott about not making a Mother's day meal.

So, DS first birthday coming up. We arranged for a party on the Thursday (actual day of birthday) at ours just so family can see him and a nice occasion for a catch up.

Anyway, we decided to change to the Saturday after so DSS could be with us and DMil. If we did the Thursday it's possible DMil would want to come stay as DP has booked the Thursday and Friday off and as usual we would end up with no time to ourselves during booked time off. We also thought more people would be able to come and we could start it earlier so DS would be awake and present for longer.

Turns out my DSis can't attend because of freelance work. Nor an issue, I'm not her biggest fan at the moment and would be more than happy for anyone who can't make party to pop by on his birthday.

It's not a huge deal at all.

Except now it's becoming all complicated, like every family thing! My DM birthday is the week before DS. She has now said because they thought we were doing it on his actual birthday they wanted to be around in the run up (no idea why!) To his bday. So they're going away the weekend we wanted to change it to. She could go away the weekend before her bday, or the weekend after. But that's not for me to dictate. But, they've just bought a caravan and have been going away there every weekend, which is awesome. Except I strongly suspect they're just going the caravan that weekend.

DM has suggested she throws a party for him on his actual birthday at hers so my DSis can see him and my Auntie who also can't come.

The more I think about it the more it's pissing me off. I was so looking forward to hosting our son's first bday party and making the cake with my friend and actually hosting in our new home (we couldn't at previous house). She's suggesting we do two parties, the one we planned at the weekend, and the one she wants to do on his birthday. Which seems pointless as most will just go the one at my mum's. Plus it'll be so over the top and she'll expect us there all day to help set up, when wed much rather be off to the zoo or something.

All I wanted was a low key tea party at ours, for whoever could make it. I wanted both sets of grandparents there and anyone else was a bonus.

DP have spoken and we'4e going to speak to DMil about doing something just me, DP, DS, DSS and DMil at the Weeknd, like the zoo or something. Then have the party at ours on the Thursday. Poor Mil misses out, again. But she's less fussed or demanding.

My DM is always making stuff like this difficult.

AIBU to think this has become a complete farce and that my DM should go away another weekend for her birthday rather than totally take over my son's party?

Sorry for the rant. I'm just so fed up of this. It's gone on for so long.

OP posts:
fc301 · 14/04/2019 12:00

YANBU. I did a cute little tea party for my PFB 1st birthday. I remember it fondly... but my parents were so late they arrived after everyone else had left!

You ARE making it complicated by trying to accommodate everyone. You are stuck in the FOG (Fear Obligation & Guilt). Suggest you google it.

Stick to what suits you. Say you've now discussed it with DP and you've both decided ...

Original poster
Giraffesarecool · 14/04/2019 12:01

@drum2018 I actually have barely spoken to her since last time and she was being all pally so I just explained that I was still feeling upset over what was said, I what us to get past it etc. I was hoping for an apology but didn't get one. If she does it again I'll be seriously considering LC or NC as she's also given me a lifetime of this shit.

OP posts:
Jamhandprints · 14/04/2019 12:02

You could say "sorry mum, DP has booked tickets to the zoo on Thurs, cos he thought that's what I wanted. You can pop in for a piece of cake at 5pm when we're back if you like, or we'll see you when you get back from holiday. Sorry you can't make his party on Saturday."
Tell her quick before she makes too many plans.

Original poster
Giraffesarecool · 14/04/2019 12:03

@fc301 I am definitely stuck in the FOG and will Google later. I worry so much if I'm doing the right thing by everyone all the time.

OP posts:
quizqueen · 14/04/2019 12:04

This sort of saga will go on forever if you don't make a stand now. Tell them you are having the party at your convenience and wherever you want it held and they can either make it or not ...and, at the weekend you have other plans too. They can moan over the years but they will get used to you making your own decisions about your own family in the end!

Original poster
Giraffesarecool · 14/04/2019 12:05

It's also nice to hear someone else has dared to have a party for a 1 year old! I just want those lovely memories and to celebrate the getting through the sleepless nights, the hundreds of trials and tribulations and finding our way as new parents together.

OP posts:
Original poster
Giraffesarecool · 14/04/2019 12:06

@quizqueen I guess I just feel selfish being so, well, selfish!

It was always a thing me growing up that I was selfish. Selfish for working on Mother's Day, selfish for leaving a party early to study for looming A Levels.

OP posts:
fc301 · 14/04/2019 12:07

💐💐💐 you'll be ok but it takes time, strength & self education.

fc301 · 14/04/2019 12:07

Yep there's someone selfish here... t'aint you.

Eustasiavye · 14/04/2019 12:08

I would stick to the one day which suits you best.
Keep it low key and say if you can make it great, if not that's not a problem.
Your d's will be non the wiser.
Don't let you dm hold an alternative party for him, say it's not suitable, then make plans for that day.
I had all this with my ex in laws. Always having to accommodate them whether it suited us or not.
Don't pander to your mum op, it's not worth it

desparate4sleep · 14/04/2019 12:08

Tell your mum you've changed your mind nug do it ASAP or she will tell you shes already bought the cake and invited everyone.

PregnantSea · 14/04/2019 12:09

What a load of faffing about from people! Goodness me. Another one here saying just send a group message to whole family - "there doesn't seem to be a day that everyone can do so we'll have tea and cake at ours on Thursday as originally planned, we'd love to see whoever can make it" and then be done with it. If there are any further suggestions that you should change these plans to suit other people just politely but firmly say no. Don't let other people make life so complicated. It's just tea and cake for a 1 yr old's birthday lol...

Original poster
Giraffesarecool · 14/04/2019 12:09

Haha, thanks @fc301.

OP posts:
Lahlahfizzyfizzydoda · 14/04/2019 12:13

I posted on your previous thread.

Stick to Saturday...having DSs to celebrate, far out ways your family. I get they may be disappointed, but just tell them they can pop over at your house at x on Thursday for cake.

They’ll moan, but that’s not your problem. He’s your son not theirs. why the hell your mother thought it appropriate to host his party Hmm, is beyond me.

CantStopMeNow · 14/04/2019 14:56

I don't want my parents thinking I'm prioritising DMil over them
Your mother is choosing to prioritise a caravan weekend away over you/your son.

She's always going to be like this and give you shit for not letting her control you and your family unit.
This is your son and your life and you have every right to do it your way.
Stop shying away from confrontation - stand up to her.
Otherwise you're still giving her power to call the shots in your life.
If she can't behave then go NC.

OKBobble · 14/04/2019 15:00

Say can't do his actual birthday we are out that day. Shame you can't make his party. See you when you get back. I will video him blowing out his candles and stick some cake in the freezer for you for when you are back.

Do not pander to them. Celebrate how you want to. Of course as his mum you want to do his first party.

lyralalala · 14/04/2019 15:04

It's more important your DSS doesn't feel left out over your DS's party than your Mum so stick to your guns with the Saturday.

I get that you don't want your parents to feel like you are prioritising your MIL, but you also don't want to make your MIL feel like she gets sidelined every time because she doesn't kick off at you either.

Your DSS is more important than the adults

Geminijes · 14/04/2019 16:01

Sorry to say this OP but you're going to have a grow a backbone and do what YOU want to do. Do what works best for YOU.

Your mother and sister place demands on you as they both know you will give into them for a quiet life and so they will always demand things to be the way they want until they realise their demands won't work.

Stay strong and celebrate your son's birthday when and how you want to.

I hope your son has a wonderful birthday.

Drum2018 · 14/04/2019 16:11

I worry so much if I'm doing the right thing by everyone all the time

Do right by yourself, Dh and Ds. Then by your dss as much as possible when he's due to be with you. Anyone else comes after that and don't need to be prioritised.

AnnieMay100 · 14/04/2019 16:44

I had this with one of my children’s birthdays many years ago. I ‘cancelled’ the party and only had wanted guests at my home to celebrate. From then on birthdays were us only and relatives saw them on a separate day for a second cake and presents to avoid the drama.
Stick your plans for his actual birthday and people can pop in when they can, then do something with mil on the Saturday like a meal and zoo trip for example. Don’t let anyone take over or ruin the day he’s your son so your rules.

AJPTaylor · 14/04/2019 16:50

Man up.
It's too complicated so you are just going out for the day.
Annual leave is ringfenced for your time together.
Having a baby changed family dynamics.

Motoko · 14/04/2019 17:42

Have the party on the Saturday, so your DSS can join in. Your DS is after all, his (half) brother, so DSS should be there, just as if you have a party for DSS, your DS will join in.

And go out to the zoo on his actual birthday.

Time to stop dancing to your mother and sister's tune. You have your own family to prioritise now, and if you carry on trying to appease your mother and sister, you'll never be happy, and neither will your partner and son.

If that means you have to go LC or NC, then as upsetting as that is, it's the only sensible thing to do. Perhaps you should seek some counselling on how to deal with your mother, and to untangle your feelings around this relationship.

I had 1st birthday teas for my children. Just sandwiches, cake and pots of tea, with the grandparents visiting. Nothing wrong with that, it's the OTT parties for a child's 1st birthday that are, well, OTT!

Original poster
Giraffesarecool · 14/04/2019 20:26

Thanks so much for all your encouragement. Sorry I've gone quiet this afternoon. We had s nice afternoon at a petting farm with DSS and saw some super cute baby bunnies!

After a long chat with DP we've decided to go ahead with Thursday, and it does seem more people can come. DS is going through some sleep issues and we're both absolutely on our knees at the moment. We just can't face the huge backlash that would come with it all. As pathetic as that is.

We've said we want to host it and she was off enough about that.

We'r3 going to finally take DSS and DS to the zoo (why is it so expensive!?) With DMil. Then have cake and balloons etc with just them. In honesty I wonder if that will be better as DSS and DMil still aren't totally comfortable around my family. Plus DSS will enjoy that more I think.

I know I'm pathetic and weak willed but I'm so so tired. And so is DP. We just haven't the energy right now for more family drama.

I'm sorry I asked for advice then didn't follow through. It really is appreciated though.

OP posts:
Motoko · 14/04/2019 20:49

Well, you're going to have to deal with it at some point, but at least you're having it at your place.

I'm not surprised MIL and DSS aren't comfortable around your family, they've obviously got the measure of your mum and sister.

Original poster
Giraffesarecool · 15/04/2019 11:05

Agreed @motoko. I took a stance on Mother's Day and I will continue to do so. I just feel this battle wasn't worth the upset this time.

DSS has no clue about our issues with my family, he's just not been around them enough but to be fair my DM does buy his Xmas, birthday presents etc. DMil knows to a point what goes on, and so yes, she probably does feel uncomfortable because of that.

OP posts:
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