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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to be her friend?

46 replies

SoontobeCee · 14/04/2019 11:07

Ugh this situation makes me want to crawl under a rock.
I have a male friend who is seeing this woman and has been for about a year and a half by this point. She's not a bad person (that I know of) and she hasn't wronged me in any way she's just too much!
She suffers quite a bit with mental health problems among other physical ailments and goes on about them constantly. I get the idea of wanting to talk about things with friends but she started oversharing on the first day we met! I was taken aback but put it down to nerves or maybe I'm just easy to talk to, but no. This is just her personality.
Look this is going to sound bad but she's just really weird and there's something about her I just don't trust. Quite a lot of our friend group feel this way about her.
Over the years she's showed herself to be lazy, noncommittal in her work life, narcissistic in manner and a total leech. She's overly touchy feely as well which literally makes my skin crawl, like get out of my personal space please.
She doesn't come from our area so I understand wanting to make friends and establish a group but she's messaging me and my best friend CONSTANTLY. It's just too much, you give an inch and she takes a mile.
We recently heard that our friend is thinking of proposing to her and that's fine if he is truly happy then he can do as he pleases and I will support that but I am a firm believer that this doesn't mean we have to be super close friends.
If myself and the girls head out for drinks or a walk and she finds out she bluntly says 'invite me next time'.
I'm sorry but I shouldn't have to hide my social life because she wants to join in.
She's particularly attached to my friend who has recently had a baby (I think because she's still on mat leave) and constantly asks her to hang out and it's making my friend uncomfortable at this point.
We are in our late 20's, she's mid 30's and by this point I think you should realise that not everyone needs to be your bestie, not everyone gets on and THAT'S OK!!
At first we really tried and had coffee etc but she just makes me uncomfortable and quite frankly just isn't someone I want to be friends with.
We are always very inclusive when it comes to big group things where we all get together with the men and she is invited to my wedding etc of course but that's all I want it to be. It's so awkward because no one likes her and I actually feel really sorry for her at times but I'm too damn old for this shit.
I just don't know how to tell her this (I honestly don't want to say anything I just want her to take the damn hint). None of us want to upset anyone we just want her to leave us alone.
I have plenty of people who I only see when my fiance and I hang out with another group of friends that are couples and some of the girls in that group are really close but I would never DREAM of expecting invites to everything or hanging out outwith the larger group.
Sorry for the rant I'm just frustrated and feel like a shitty, shitty person.

OP posts:

fc301 · 14/04/2019 11:14

You're not a shitty person because you are examining your conscience.

I would trust your gut. You do not HAVE to be friends with anyone.

Just be polite but very very unavailable.

Drum2018 · 14/04/2019 11:23

You'll just have to ignore her messages - don't open them at all so she cannot claim you have read them. Tell your friend on maternity leave the same - don't reply to message, don't make arrangements to meet up etc. Just don't engage. It may end up affecting your relationship with your male friend but that's a chance you'll have to take. Don't be overly friendly when you are out together in a group - be civil but don't show too much interest in her life. If she starts talking about her ailments shut her down, change the subject.

Bluntness100 · 14/04/2019 11:29

It's clear you dislike her intently and wish to doneverything in your power to ostracise her from your group, and that's what's making you feel shit.

You're not going to change and accept her, so you may as well just cut her completely. It will likely cost you your Male friend, and possibly anyone who doesn't feel as you do, but it is what it is.

Bluntness100 · 14/04/2019 11:31

Tell your friend on maternity leave the same - don't reply to message, don't make arrangements to meet up etc

Please don't do this. Let your friend handle it herself. If it becomes clear, which it would, yiu were asking people to ostracise her you will suffer within the group.

You do you and let everyone else do them.

damnthatoneistakenagain · 14/04/2019 11:32

Agree with bluntness. Cut her loose and ghost her if she is THAT awful, but be prepared to lose your male friend. Because he WILL side with her.

She must have SOME redeeming features, or your friend wouldn't be with her, surely???

BlessedFox · 14/04/2019 11:32

Tell your friend on maternity leave the same - don't reply to message, don't make arrangements to meet up etc

Also known as bullying

GreenTulips · 14/04/2019 11:34

I take it she doesn’t have any other friends then.

It’s hard because you want to be able to accept your friends partners, but you don’t have too. Ignore a few texts, or delay replying, ignore the ‘invite me next time’ type things - only communicate via your friend, if it’s a group outing, he can sort the rest. You may lose him. But I think you would anyway.

MrsGrannyWeatherwax · 14/04/2019 11:37

That poor lady :( in an unknown area and the people she’s trying to make friends all judging and bitching about her.

You definitely don’t have to be friends with her, but why discuss your obvious intense dislike of her with the entire friend group. Just don’t be available and she will get the message.

CheersSonsCryingNiceOne · 14/04/2019 11:41

I feel a bit sorry for her (although I understand why you feel the way you do). I think that she might be trying to endear herself to you and is trying different tactics to do this. I agree with pp. Be careful not to come across as queen bee leader of the clique. Do what you need to do to fix this but let others decide if and how. You may not be keen on her but imagine getting frozen out by friends of your dp feels?

Drum2018 · 14/04/2019 11:51

Fair enough Bluntness100 and BlessedFox - I only suggested it as op said the friend is also uncomfortable with this person. Of course the friend can make her own decision as to what to do.

Boysey45 · 14/04/2019 11:51

I feel sorry for her as well. OP one day you might find yourself alone and then be reminded of how you treated this woman.
Just say you are very busy with work, famil,y whatever etc, but don't be bitching and pulling her down to the others. They will think that's how you speak about them when they are not there.

I hope she finds a nicer group to hang out with soon.

BadPennyNoBiscuit · 14/04/2019 11:53

Its not bullying and its not freezing out. You don't like her and don't have to go out of your way to socialise with her. Just be polite and non committal when you do meet. You don't have to justify that.

The people I have met who behave in that way have turned out to have massive issues and one was a con artist.

notsosureaboutthatthough · 14/04/2019 11:53

You don’t sound very nice

MRex · 14/04/2019 11:54

I think each of you should deal with this individually, turning against someone as a group is bullying. In your case, you have very clearly decided that you don't like her, it doesn't sound like you would bebopen to changing your mind. So don't invite her to things and let her or her partner know if they ask that the two of you just don't really click. You need to be prepared to lose him as a friend if he loves her, because people often like spending time together as couples, but just accept that's it's ok for friendships to come and go at different stages of life.

BadPennyNoBiscuit · 14/04/2019 11:54

Its ok to have boundaries. If a man gives you the heebie jeebies you should listen, and you shouldn't override your gut instinct just because its a woman.

Kittykat93 · 14/04/2019 11:59

People on here saying the op doesn't sound nice and they feel sorry for the woman - why?? Do we have to be friends with everyone and like them? No.

There are many people I don't like, some for very specific reasons and sometimes because our personalities just clash and they aren't my cup of tea. It's totally normal, and doesn't make you a bad person to not like everyone!!

Op, I would just loosen off the contact and be as vague as possible. No need for a big confrontation I would just try to let things die out.

Eustasiavye · 14/04/2019 11:59

I would continue not to invite her.
Don't reply to messages or be vague. So if she suggests a meet up just avoid the issue.
Keep meeting up with your and her as part of a large group.

FireCrotch · 14/04/2019 11:59

Why don't you give her a chance? What harm can it do? It will probably make her ease up on the annoying stuff if she feels she doesn't have to try so hard to fit in. Plus it would possibly mean the world to your mate. If you can't or won't do that then at least be kind. Stop discussing her behind her back and don't tell your friends how to deal with her. At least she's trying. I see many posts where the gf of a Male friend is trying to stop him having female friends. Be glad she's not doing that.

Original poster

SoontobeCee · 14/04/2019 12:01

@Bluntness100 I'm not doing things to ostracise her. In fact when we first met I was actively trying to include her but we just don't have much in common and as I got to know her, her behaviour just got a bit too much for me personally so I backed off a bit.
I want to point out that friends in our group have came to me and said things off their own back about her not knowing how I felt so it's been, as strange as this sounds, a natural unfolding of peoples feelings.
I would never dream of telling my friend how to handle this, I was just explaining her point of view for some context is all.
I have tried ghosting her, replying less frequently etc and she just doesn't take the hint.
Trust me I feel SO bad for her at times and really hope she finds some good and solid friendships here but she's just not for me.
I'm sure she does have redeeming qualities, she clearly cares very much for my friend and I'm sure she would be a great friend to have but her intensity is creepy and too much for me personally.
It's not her problem that I'm not into that kind of friendship we're just different.
My issue is how to go about this without making her feel hated, ostracized etc. There's no good way to tell someone you're just not keen without it coming off so wrongly.
Please, please understand I have never and never will trying and turn anyone against another EVER and I'm sorry if that's what came across in that post. I was badly bullied growing up so I know how it feels which is why I'm post here because as much as I don't want to be her friend in a deep way, I never want to hurt anyone.

OP posts:

julensaor · 14/04/2019 12:04

too much of 'we' feel this and 'we' do that and 'we, we , we'. It stinks of ganging up and immaturity. Speak only for yourself, ask only for yourself. I somehow think it's not all her, everybody has some likeable qualities.

LuckyLou7 · 14/04/2019 12:09

You don't want to hurt anyone, yet you post some very unkind and unpleasant things on an open forum, about a woman who would probably recognise herself if she reads Mumsnet. You have decided you don't like her and you want everyone else to join you in ostracising her. Do you fancy her boyfriend or something?

AFistfulofDolores1 · 14/04/2019 12:10

I never want to hurt anyone.

But hurting people some of the time is unavoidable, isn't it, OP? Sometimes putting down a boundary is going to hurt someone else, no matter how hard we try to make sure it doesn't.

That doesn't mean you shouldn't do it, though.

ChuckleBuckles · 14/04/2019 12:10

I have never once read or heard a man agonise over how to include another man in a friendship group, I have never heard or read other men chastising him to be "nice" and include a person that he does not get on with, it seems to only ever be women that have to ignore what they feel to include people they do not feel comfortable around or get on with.

OP just see and interact with this woman in group situations for your friend's sake if that is what you are comfortable with, you do not have to be "bestest friends forever" with this woman just because of circumstance. If you feel she is invading your personal space and she is too tactile for your comfort level tell her, just say you are not comfortable with it, no explanations needed. For all this "be nice and include her" she also has a social responsibility (for want of a better term) to read the room and realise how her behaviour is not to everyone else's taste, social interaction is a two way street not just you bending over to appease her.

AFistfulofDolores1 · 14/04/2019 12:12

I think some posters are being unfair. I would find her very difficult to get along with; and you can't fake it til you make it when it comes to how you feel about others.

But if you're going to do it, rip the plaster off quickly. Anything else is giving her false hope and allowing gossip to foment, imo.

Anerak · 14/04/2019 12:17

What is it about her that you see in yourself that makes you so angry and unconfortable? "We see in others what we fear in ourselves".

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