To not want to be her friend?

[SoontobeCee]

Ugh this situation makes me want to crawl under a rock.
I have a male friend who is seeing this woman and has been for about a year and a half by this point. She's not a bad person (that I know of) and she hasn't wronged me in any way she's just too much!
She suffers quite a bit with mental health problems among other physical ailments and goes on about them constantly. I get the idea of wanting to talk about things with friends but she started oversharing on the first day we met! I was taken aback but put it down to nerves or maybe I'm just easy to talk to, but no. This is just her personality.
Look this is going to sound bad but she's just really weird and there's something about her I just don't trust. Quite a lot of our friend group feel this way about her.
Over the years she's showed herself to be lazy, noncommittal in her work life, narcissistic in manner and a total leech. She's overly touchy feely as well which literally makes my skin crawl, like get out of my personal space please.
She doesn't come from our area so I understand wanting to make friends and establish a group but she's messaging me and my best friend CONSTANTLY. It's just too much, you give an inch and she takes a mile.
We recently heard that our friend is thinking of proposing to her and that's fine if he is truly happy then he can do as he pleases and I will support that but I am a firm believer that this doesn't mean we have to be super close friends.
If myself and the girls head out for drinks or a walk and she finds out she bluntly says 'invite me next time'.
I'm sorry but I shouldn't have to hide my social life because she wants to join in.
She's particularly attached to my friend who has recently had a baby (I think because she's still on mat leave) and constantly asks her to hang out and it's making my friend uncomfortable at this point.
We are in our late 20's, she's mid 30's and by this point I think you should realise that not everyone needs to be your bestie, not everyone gets on and THAT'S OK!!
At first we really tried and had coffee etc but she just makes me uncomfortable and quite frankly just isn't someone I want to be friends with.
We are always very inclusive when it comes to big group things where we all get together with the men and she is invited to my wedding etc of course but that's all I want it to be. It's so awkward because no one likes her and I actually feel really sorry for her at times but I'm too damn old for this shit.
I just don't know how to tell her this (I honestly don't want to say anything I just want her to take the damn hint). None of us want to upset anyone we just want her to leave us alone.
I have plenty of people who I only see when my fiance and I hang out with another group of friends that are couples and some of the girls in that group are really close but I would never DREAM of expecting invites to everything or hanging out outwith the larger group.
Sorry for the rant I'm just frustrated and feel like a shitty, shitty person.

Wow people here are super quick to judge without thinking how they'd feel aren't they?
I totally see how you find her too full on and understand that you have tried. She just sounds like she can't take a hint and doesn't understand personal space.
It might come to the point that you have to telling her that you just aren't interested in socialising if she really won't take a hint but hopefully if you carry on not reading messages and not replying she might get the hint.
It might be worth telling her oh that you are not a touchy geeky person and that you find her a bit over powering with how she grabs at you - do you think he would be offended by that?

He has probably bigged you all up loads and made it clear that if she isnt mates with you all then it'll make the relationship difficult.

Another woman being told to ignore her instincts and ‘be nice’ when someone tramples over her boundaries.....

You sound about 12.

No you don't need to be friends with her. If this means you lose your male friend then so be it. Why all the hand wringing and drama?

I get it OP. As you get older it’s hard enough find time to socialise and you do have to be far more selective. Just be as kind as possible with it but clear about your boundaries.

You do you and let everyone else do them.

This is great advice. You don’t have to like everyone, just as everyone doesn’t have to like you. My dd has an acquaintance like this at Uni and in group situations she steers well clear; excusing herself if the person is heading for her. Some people do have very thick skins/narcissistic tendencies and rub other people up the wrong way. That’s life.

I would try not to talk about this woman in any way that you wouldn’t talk to her face to face; you don’t want your male friend to think you’re bitchy or a ringleader.

I would let others deal with her in their own way and you just go “grey rock”. Stop replying to messages, distance yourself, tell her you feel uncomfortable with a touchy feely relationship - whatever works for you.

If anyone else invites her to group things, either go and steer clear of her or only go to the things you really want to go to.

too much of 'we' feel this and 'we' do that and 'we, we , we'. It stinks of ganging up and immaturity

It reminds me on here again and again why I have never done "friendship groups". Get a group of people together and if someone sticks out like a sore thumb, it becomes a snowball effect of everyone in the group aligning their group-think views, gaining validation about every last bit of evidence about the unfortunate person's social ineptitude, awkwardness andfaux-pas. Then they collectively decide how to oust the person from the group.

OP do what you need to do re: not wanting to spend time with this person, but don't perpetuate the group-think by fueling the fire if people approach you to ask your opinion, even if it's tempting to vent your own annoyance at the same time. Best to plead ignorance and stop that stuff in its tracks.

You stand more chance of preserving the friendship with your Male friend if you can say hand on heart you haven't been involved. He will decide whether he is happy to continue his friendship with you even if you don't particularly want to hang out with his gf.

There is someone in my circle who I dislike. I invite her to group events (5 or more out of 10 of us) but see those inam closer to more regularly in smaller groups 3-4.

If you cant socialise with her at all and her feelings are hurt you can expect your male friend to feel hurt for her at some stage.

I don't think that you have to be friends with her outside of seeing your mf as well.

I'd find it odd if he decides to not see you anymore because you don't want to be friends with her without him iyswim.

I have never once read or heard a man agonise over how to include another man in a friendship group, I have never heard or read other men chastising him to be "nice" and include a person that he does not get on with, it seems to only ever be women that have to ignore what they feel to include people they do not feel comfortable around but in my experience men just say ‘I’m off to the match Saturday’ and others tag on or don’t.
Does she have any interests you know of OP? Why not say to her DP “woman seems a bit lonely. Have you told her we have a great (insert interest: book club, gym, tennis club, gardening society etc.) in our vicinity?” She may then go on and develop her own friends.

I think first of all you need to separate your feelings towards her from everyone else´s. There is too much what "we" think in you're OP. Okay, some of your friends might also find her annoying, but it might not bother them that much. People have very different tolerance levels. If you do discuss your dislike of her with lots of others, then you are in danger of creating a common attitude in the group towards her, and that would be unkind to her and possibly bullying.

I suggest you focus on purely your own attitude towards her. You don't like her, so you don't invite her to meet up, you keep contact with her to a minimum. Don't get into conversations with others about how much you dislike her. Let them make up their own minds and do their own thing.

Some very strange responses here, the OP has clearly said she has tried, but this woman makes her uncomfortable. If this was a man making her uncomfortable would you be telling her to be nice and try harder?
No you wouldn't, the woman sounds like a pain in the area.
OP minimise invites, contact etc hopefully she'll get the message.

Don’t take any notice of all the pp accusing you of bullying etc. It’s your life and you can friends with who you damn well like...and you don’t (mustn’t!) feel obliged to be friends with people who make you uncomfortable.

Sometimes friends are closer than partners and I’m sure no one would advise you to get into a relationship with a man who was too intense and make you feel uncomfortable.

I took on a ‘friend’ years ago who would fit a similar profile and I felt sorry for her and met up with her for a drink a couple of times....that was it, it took me 2 years to prise her out of my life. I felt sorry for her and her many issues but she demanded so much time and attention...I tense up just thinking about it.

Stick to your guns OP xx

We all have one in a group, for what ever reason, that doesn't quite fit the mix. In our group, sadly the group has split from 6 couples into 2 couples and 4 couples. No one from the 4 couples will mix with one particular couple on a two couple basis, only in a larger crowd, where the problem person can be diluted.

Some of these replies! Making the OP a big bad wolf. What a load of balls.

OP you clearly don’t have anything in common with this woman and she has very few boundaries ‘invite me next time’. If someone said that seriously to me I would never see them again. But then none of my friends I have become friends with naturally would ever say something like that. She makes you and others feel uncomfortable and is draining.

Don’t feel bad - you haven’t pulled her to shreds and had zero sympathy for her, if people would read, you’ve said you tried for over a year. If this was a thread about a bloke making you feel uncomfortable and stifled there would be no ‘the poor man faces. She’s your friends partner. I am not in contact with all my friends partners and no one could force me to ‘take on’ a new friend, not everyone is a friend collector or wants or needs any more friends, especially ones you haven’t ‘chosen’ mutually or naturally.

People think you can go through life acting and being however you like and people must feel sorry for you and accommodate you because we must not be ‘bullies’. No. she is her own responsibility and how she conducts herself and her life is her responsibility. She isn’t your responsibility.

It’s a difficult situation but I would continue on as you have been. Be kind, see her at group events, don’t make promises or agree to things you don’t feel comfortable with.

You don’t have to be friends with her OP but likewise, you shouldn’t encourage others in your group not to spend time with her either.

As pps said nobody would be telling op to make more effort to include a man who made her feel uncomfortable or was constantly attention seeking and trying to take up her time.
Why does the fact that this is a woman make it different?

If you dont like someone or they are ott in trying to encroach on your life you do not have to put up with it.
Op has said she sees this woman in group settings when all out as couples so she isnt ignoring her. But she doesnt have to have time with her friends spoiled by this woman taking over and talking about herself the whole time. Who orders others that they have to invite them everywhere?

I go out for coffee with friends but we dont all go out together every single time. Sometimes there are a few sometimes just a couple of us who are closer as tbh one of them is hard work and we go out once in a while without them just to relax and talk about stuff without them taking over.
Its not a crime.

Op isnt responsible for this womans social life. Nobody has to be friends with anyone, especially if they arent nice to be around, life is too short.

There are people at work i get along ok with but i wouldnt chose to go out socialising with them in a million years. They are all "me me me" and constantly banging on about themselves every sodding day, every day is a new drama. They are mature adults its not attractive, no chance!

Goodness I just read this thread and saw a post by me and then realised it wasnt me @eustasiavye

Ref the OP - you dont have to be friends with anyone. Dont be available. But dont make it a collective thing as that is mean. She will get the hint if you dont respond to messages but be prepared to lose your Male friend

When people "fail to take the hint" the only thing you can do is be a bit more blunt. No sorry we are not interested in meeting up with you. No your health concerns are not mine. etc. Cruel to be kind here but you may lose that male friend.

Op, it's fair enough for you to distance yourself, just don't request others do as per pp suggestion, that is bullying and ostracising.

Your op came across that you had been discussing with the group together your dislike of this woman. I think uou know if this was the case it would be bullying. Everyone has to make their own decisions.

But play fair. Don't bitch about her to the wider group or agree you all dislike her. The poor woman is clearly trying very hard to integrate herself, and possibly has some social anxiety about it, which is impacting her behaviour, and she will be getting the feeling she's not welcome by the women in the group.

I assume when she feels comfortable she is accepted she would calm down, but as that scenario isn't going to ever happen then she will continue to try too hard, and the harder she tries, you and your friends will push her away harder. It's a catch 22.

If she acted like she didn't give a shit, you'd probably all love her.

I'm quite introverted and if someone like this was constantly messaging me and being way too over the top in her attempts to be involved in my life, it would freak me out, too. And yes, I would ask the advice of my real life friends and others who know her. That's not bullying, that's just asking for help.

The OP has time and again, asked how she can wean this woman off GENTLY and WITHOUT hurting her feelings. So where some of these posters who are accusing her of being spiteful are coming from, I don't know.