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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to have rung the police?

51 replies

Gohardorgohome · 13/04/2019 23:01

Long story cut short.... after a heated discussion on money whilst handing kids over my separated husband grabbed me by my arms, shook me and pushed me backwards. I almost fell over backwards but stayed on my feet. My kids were in the car outside and daughter saw me come out backwards pushed by her dad. This isn’t the first time he’s got a bit handy, nothing more than grabbing by arms though. After much soul searching I rang the police on 101. What I hoped was they would have a friendly word and advise him it was out of order and shouldn’t happen again. Instead they have taken a statement and have gone to find him to arrest him and interview him. I now feel awful and wish I hadn’t called them. But I don’t want to feel intimidated like that ever again. They said they have no option to ‘have a word’ in domestic abuse cases due to the fact it may worsen and they have noted that I don’t personally wish to press charges. That will be up to the CPS though. Have I done the right thing?

OP posts:

LetsDoThisAgain · 13/04/2019 23:03

Yes, you've done the right thing, he doesn't have the right to put his hands on you.

BlackeyedGruesome · 13/04/2019 23:04

Yes. Absolutely. Well done. It will feel really weird though for a bit.

Winchestermom35 · 13/04/2019 23:05

No experience in this but I think you have. Especially as it’s not the first time this has happened.

Don’t feel bad. He pushed/grabbed you.

JammyGem · 13/04/2019 23:05

Of course you've done the right thing. Hope you're ok

Wasywasydoodah · 13/04/2019 23:07

You did the right thing - this is what the police are for!

RightOnTheEdge · 13/04/2019 23:07

You have done the right thing OP! He can't get away with pushing you around and your children can't grow up seeing that and thinking it is a normal way to behave.

I know how you feel and it's hard but be strong and know you are setting the right example for your children. Be strong.
I hope your ok.

MrsJDornan · 13/04/2019 23:07

You've definitely done the right thing, for you and your children

glitterballbag · 13/04/2019 23:08

Really well done, it's not an easy decision but it is definitely the right one. These things can and do escalate and having a record of it is so important. And as sad as it is your children witnessed it they also witnessed your bravery and they know how not to be treated in the future.

MrsGarethSouthgate · 13/04/2019 23:08

If you don't want it to go any further why did you give a statement? Did they not explain that you might have to go to court?

Not judging what you've done, just interested in how it was explained to you.

llangennith · 13/04/2019 23:09

You have done the right thing. If nothing else it will show your kids that this is not the way to treat each other.

MrsGarethSouthgate · 13/04/2019 23:09

In my force he would still have been arrested and interviewed without a complainant statement FWIW.

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 13/04/2019 23:10

Definitely the right thing and the reason the police act on their own without victim go ahead is to take the pressure and responsibility off the victim. You've just shown your children it is not ok for someone to treat you (or them) aggressively

Original poster

Gohardorgohome · 13/04/2019 23:11

They said because of the nature of the call they would arrest and interview him anyway with or without a statement from me. Not giving a statement would have just made that process harder they said. And it gave me chance to say formally I didn’t want to press charges

OP posts:

MrsGarethSouthgate · 13/04/2019 23:12

Did they ask if you were willing to go to court?

CupcakeDrama · 13/04/2019 23:12

I had this with my ex, I tried to drop the charges but apparently he still had to go to court.

They may also inform SS.

RosaWaiting · 13/04/2019 23:13

you've done the right thing.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 13/04/2019 23:13

This is all on him. Yanbu.

AnnieMay100 · 13/04/2019 23:13

You done the right thing. I’m sorry to put this out there but next time could be much worse and it’s not fair on your children to witness that or have some devestating news so acting on it now is the best way to protect yourself and your children. He is in the wrong and should never have touched you like that so whatever happens next is it his own doing. I hope you’re ok and have support irl.

bigdecisionstomake · 13/04/2019 23:13

Yes, definitely the right thing. No-one has the right to lay hands on another person without their consent, absolute or implicit.it also serves to make your children aware of the boundaries of reasonable behaviour.

Original poster

Gohardorgohome · 13/04/2019 23:14

Yes they did ask would I go to court if required

OP posts:

Realladymarmalade · 13/04/2019 23:14

I'm sorry you are going through this and hope you are ok OP. What he did was not ok , it is assault certainly if his force left you reeling. You must be in a state of shock and I hope you have someone nearby to support you.

FWIW my story is that I called the police twice on my ex. Once when we were together and something similar to what you were describing occurred. I opted not to press charges and they did at that point caution him. Second time around I reported him for 2 years worth of emotionally abusive texts. They similarly told me they might need to arrest him but in the end they cautioned him. However they were loathe to do so for the reasons you outline. That they have to take the reported offense seriously under DV laws. I emphasised to them that I felt it would jeopardise our future relation ship and the children's wellbeing. The cops from.the DV unit were helpful and understanding . In a lot if cases it won't go to the CPS in these sorts of circumstances as it's your word against his. My story is complicated as these events occurred in the context of separation and a mental breakdown on my exs part. I would not ordinarily have classified as someone who was physically etc abusive. Context though is important. He cannot be behaving like this towards you and exposing your children to this.

I regretted it both times initially- all part of the impact of his ways at that time upon me. I thought I'd been a drama queen. However longer term the boundaries being enforced was helpful. Hth.

donajimena · 13/04/2019 23:14

This had to be done. He's a bully and you stood up to him.

keepforgettingmyusername · 13/04/2019 23:14

You're a great role model for your kids not standing for that.

NoFancyUserName · 13/04/2019 23:17

You've done the right thing and the police are taking the best course of action. As this isn't the first time he's done it, and having been here myself, you can bet your life he will take it further and escalate to worse assaults. I'm glad to see the police are treating domestic abuse more seriously from the first signs of aggression before it reaches actual full on violence, because when it happened to me it was merely treated as some silly domestic row and he escalated from a bit of shoving to the point of trying to kill me.

MrsGarethSouthgate · 13/04/2019 23:17

It will depend what he says in interview - if he admits it he might get a caution (If no previous), but a lot of forces don't like issuing for DV, so it is likely he will go to court. If he denies it, it is likely not to progress if no supporting evidence (again assuming no previous on his part).

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