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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to have rung the police?

51 replies

Gohardorgohome · 13/04/2019 23:01

Long story cut short.... after a heated discussion on money whilst handing kids over my separated husband grabbed me by my arms, shook me and pushed me backwards. I almost fell over backwards but stayed on my feet. My kids were in the car outside and daughter saw me come out backwards pushed by her dad. This isn’t the first time he’s got a bit handy, nothing more than grabbing by arms though. After much soul searching I rang the police on 101. What I hoped was they would have a friendly word and advise him it was out of order and shouldn’t happen again. Instead they have taken a statement and have gone to find him to arrest him and interview him. I now feel awful and wish I hadn’t called them. But I don’t want to feel intimidated like that ever again. They said they have no option to ‘have a word’ in domestic abuse cases due to the fact it may worsen and they have noted that I don’t personally wish to press charges. That will be up to the CPS though. Have I done the right thing?

OP posts:

Original poster

Gohardorgohome · 13/04/2019 23:17

This is my worry. There must be so many women who thought they knew someone and that it would never go further than a bit of pushing. Perhaps to never have the chance to realise that wasn’t the case. My neighbour was murdered by her ex partner twelve months ago, it makes you think

OP posts:

serialtester · 13/04/2019 23:19

You've clearly enforced a hard boundary. You did the right thing.

cestlavielife · 13/04/2019 23:19

Yes you did the right thing
Yes you might get a call from ss asking if everything is ok and if dc are ok
That s fine. Just tell them if everything is ok or not.
It is good to have it on record in case he gets worse.

Streamside · 13/04/2019 23:23

It must be very difficult but what a terrible example it would be to your children if you allowed him to push you around like this and not involve the police.

NunoGoncalves · 13/04/2019 23:25

He is the one in the wrong here, not you.

Original poster

Gohardorgohome · 13/04/2019 23:25

Thankyou all so much for your support. I’m so sorry that any of you have gone through this or worse. I felt like maybe I had over reacted but putting what happened in writing makes you realise that it has to stop. Someone shouldn’t take hold of someone else like that for whatever reason. I’m a confident, educated, professional woman who felt reduced to something insignificant and helpless today and I never want it to happen again

OP posts:

cordeliavorkosigan · 13/04/2019 23:30

Women are killed by partners and exes. That's really tragic about your neighbour.
I think you did the right thing, and what a fab role model for your DC. It should never happen, it should never happen again, and I hope that the police taking it seriously will make sure it won't!

BumbleBeee69 · 13/04/2019 23:34

They said they have no option to ‘have a word’ in domestic abuse cases due to the fact it may worsen and they have noted that I don’t personally wish to press charges.

Why do you not wish to press charges after your children witnesses his violent behaviour ?

WithAllIntenseAndPurposes · 13/04/2019 23:39

It's not up to you whether charges are brought against him it's up to the cps if they feel there is enough evidence

Perpetrators would never be bought to justice otherwise

NunoGoncalves · 13/04/2019 23:46

It's not up to you whether charges are brought against him it's up to the cps if they feel there is enough evidence

From the OP: they have noted that I don’t personally wish to press charges. That will be up to the CPS though

DeathyMcDeathStarFace · 14/04/2019 00:10

As everyone else said - you did the right thing.

Hopefully a visit from the police with warnings about what could happen to ex is enough to prevent him doing anything like this again. Hopefully.

But if it doesn't then the police will already have a previous incident (this one) on record to show the next time is not a first offence. If they were not aware of this incident then if it happens again or something worse happens that next incident would go down as the first offence and you would just be starting the ball rolling then. There is more chance of prosecutions happening/being successful for a second or subsequent offence. You have set the ball rolling to have him stopped and keeping you safe.

Hopefully you will never have to deal with this kind of thing from ex again, but if you do you are already one step nearer to stopping him than if you hadn't reported him.

64sNewName · 14/04/2019 00:14

I too firmly believe you were right to do this.

Neverender · 14/04/2019 00:17

You've done the right thing. I did similar and not have social services visiting every week. It's not awful but it's better than being hurt to the point that you can't look after you child. You have done the right thing. Message me if you want to x

Neverender · 14/04/2019 00:19

You're in a world now where you feel like you don't belong. I'm there. Right now. If you want to chat thenpls message me x

imalwaysfreezing · 14/04/2019 00:23

100% you've done the right thing! It can be damaging for your kids to see him do that to you plus you never know, he may lose his temper and do it to one of them! (I pray not!!)

You sound like an amazing mother & woman. Not many would have the strength in that situation to immediately call the police, often people just write it off for fear of conflict/not being believed.

cherryblossomgin · 14/04/2019 00:30

I would of done the same. Maybe he will learn to keep his hands to himself in future.

Wallflowerfire · 14/04/2019 00:31

A similar thing happened to me OP (partner pushed me) and I called the police too.
I felt immense amount of confusion and guilt afterwards if it wasn't the right thing to do, but he has not expressed physical aggression since and it had been the 3rd instance of aggression so it definitely was right.

Different situation as there were no children present but they asked me what I wanted to do, did I want him arrested. I said no. But because there were children present in your situation i think they had to have him arrested by law.
Don't feel bad. Don't make him make out you overreacted (like my DP did) you stand firm.
I hope you are ok.

Originallymeonly · 14/04/2019 00:32

The first time, my ex pushed me out of a room. I reported it, he was not arrested but was invited to the police station to give his side. They didn't think much of his explanation that I'd walked into the door, considering that I had the whole thing on video/audio. No charge though.
The second time, he tried to break my arm.
Because of the report of the first time, the police arrived in 10 minutes of my "silent" (actually screaming but no address /name details given) 999 call. He'd already fled but was arrested later and held overnight. The police escorted me to hospital luckily he'd only caused soft tissue damage.
Because of both of these, I didn't have to be bullied by him in mediation. I got an exemption, plus cafcass took it very seriously in terms of the child arrangements.
Please be reassured,
Reporting was the best and most right thing to do.
It was an excellent opportunity to show your children how people should behave.
You may be in shock, please be gentle with yourself. If possible get a friend on standby for future contact handovers.

SkintAsASkintThing · 14/04/2019 00:34

You have.

Next time you might fall back and hit your head, he needs to know this isn't ok.

WineIsMyMainVice · 14/04/2019 00:35

You’ve done the right thing - not only for yourself but also for your children! Your DD who saw this needs to know that this is not acceptable behaviour that just goes on without consequence. You’ve set her a good example.
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. I hope it does the trick and he’s never this vile to you again.

Youandwhosearmy · 14/04/2019 00:39

Good for you, hope you and your children are ok tonight

TheChiefBMS · 14/04/2019 00:48

You did 100% the right thing.

If he dislikes being 'spoken to' he needs to stop being physical and shoving you around.

If he shoves you around by the arms now, he may escalate that in future.

His behaviour is not your responsibility. Stop feeling guilty for the police involvement. It is his fault. What on Earth else did he expect you to do to defend yourself? Or did he think you should never defend yourself?

LittlePaintBox · 14/04/2019 01:01

You've done the right thing, this is a pattern of behaviour that escalates and by involving the police you're giving him an incentive to stop taking out his anger and aggression on you.

The fact that the police have taken it seriously shows that your complaint is valid!

SleightOfMind · 14/04/2019 01:05

How would you feel if a work colleague or member of the public grabbed you by the arms and tried to push you over?
It’s less acceptable when it’s a close acquaintance.
You’ve absolutely done the right thing. Really hope this stops him in his tracks and he never does anything like this again.

RSAcre · 14/04/2019 01:11

My kids were in the car outside and daughter saw me come out backwards pushed by her dad

YANBU.
Has he no shame?
You did the right thing, You CANNOT allow your children to be witneesses to violence. You also cannot allow you DD to unconsciously accept that this is how men behave.

Am so sorry that you experienced this (& not only once?) & now have to process it ... & manage your DD's feelings too.
Might you be able to take advice from the police/women's aid on how to handle 'decompressing' your daughter about the incident?

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