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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think it's never going to happen

39 replies

Bleeo · 13/04/2019 14:25

Regular too regular poster, NC.

Been TTC for 4 years. Been offered IVF but DH is a big no. I respect his feelings. He wants to keep trying naturally.

But. He has a (very) low sperm count, I have Endometriosis, low egg reserve, and slightly unhappy tubes due to contracting an infection after a sexual assault in my teens.

I'm booked for a laparoscopy to remove some of the Endo and a few fun cysts hanging about.

The specialist said it's still possible to conceive naturally but IVF is our best chance. With DH saying no to IVF, and with our issues, it's never going to happen, is it? I'm 35, DH is 42.

I don't know how to feel.

OP posts:

AWishForWingsThatWork · 13/04/2019 14:27

Does your DH really want children? It sounds like he doesn't, tbh, and is waiting it all out...

HollowTalk · 13/04/2019 14:29

What are his objections? You don't have time; he does. That's really not fair of him.

BlackCatSleeping · 13/04/2019 14:30

I thought this was going to be another Brexit thread!

Why does he say no to IVF? Does he give a reason?

I know it's bloody hard work and emotionally exhausting, but I have many friends who have conceived through IVF.

lanbro · 13/04/2019 14:30

Just a positive story for you...My friends were trying for over 8 years, never conceived naturally, 3 failed rounds of ivf. They were looking into adoption when she fell pregnant naturally for the first time at 38 and carried the baby to term.

But you need to find out where you dh actually is at, does he really want a child?

Original poster

Bleeo · 13/04/2019 14:34

Friends of ours went through four rounds of IVF unsuccessfully and they're now getting divorced due to the strain it put on their marriage, that's why DH doesn't want to go that route.

OP posts:

cuddlymunchkin · 13/04/2019 14:36

Are you happy to be childless? That's the real choice here. Is he enough to make up for having no children?

Original poster

Bleeo · 13/04/2019 14:36

Maybe you're all right and he doesn't.

He says he does. But who really knows.

OP posts:

hidinginthenightgarden · 13/04/2019 14:39

If he doesn't want IVF and you aren't likely to concieve without it, does he have another suggestion? Adoption?

Original poster

Bleeo · 13/04/2019 14:43

Thanks for the positive story lanbro.

No, it's natural conception or no kids, he wouldn't want to foster/adopt.

OP posts:

AWishForWingsThatWork · 13/04/2019 14:50

I think if that's his position, natural conception or no kids, then you have to decide if you will be happy with no kids. Because you have to accept the high likelihood of that outcome under your current relationship.

If you want children, you may have to reconsider your relationship with him ... go it alone or find someone else who truly wants children.

BlessThisMess · 13/04/2019 14:53

Go to a Registered Nutritional Therapist and get some good natural support for improving sperm count. There's plenty of proper evidence on it in some circumstances.

Original poster

Bleeo · 13/04/2019 14:57

Thanks @BlessThisMess, we did that two years' ago and implemented a fantastic diet and some supplements. We're both very fit and healthy.

Sadly there's been no improvement to his count.

OP posts:

Notonthestairs · 13/04/2019 15:04

Some fertility clinics offer counselling alongside treatment- might that be worth looking in to?

IVF is hard work (on body and mind). I understand why your DH would be worried as to the impact on you both but trying month in and month out is bloody hard too.

We had 2 x ivf with very similar issues. Successful both times but miscarried after first round.

BlackCatSleeping · 13/04/2019 15:05

Friends of ours went through four rounds of IVF unsuccessfully and they're now getting divorced due to the strain it put on their marriage, that's why DH doesn't want to go that route.

While I understand that reason, it doesn't really make sense. It's a bit like saying my friend went to Cornwall and broke his leg, so I never want to go to Cornwall. IVF doesn't have to put strain on your marriage, and you could also argue that some couples end up divorcing because one partner doesn't want to do IVF.

MyDcAreMarvel · 13/04/2019 15:11

Your dh is behaving really selfishly, not being able to conceive will have a strain on your relationship.

Meandwinealone · 13/04/2019 15:14

I don’t think your dh is really that bothered about kids.

You could have iui that’s not as invasive.

Why has he shut down this conversation. No adoption. No fostering. No ivf.

Sure it’s his choice, but in this day and age lots of people go through it and survive. Lots and lots.

Original poster

Bleeo · 13/04/2019 15:22

I don’t think your dh is really that bothered about kids.

OP posts:

Meandwinealone · 13/04/2019 15:26

I think you really need to sit down and have a proper conversation. Have you thought about counselling with him. To really get to the bottom of why he doesn’t want it.

Because it is not because your friends are divorcing.
The likelyhood is you will end up divorcing because he won’t do ivf

Blankspace4 · 13/04/2019 15:31

I am in the opposite position.

Our only option is IVF and it is me holding it back. The process (mental and physical) scares me so much.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 13/04/2019 15:43

Hi OP do you think he has some underlying sense of shame about needing help or something?

I think you need a proper sit down talk to get to the bottom of his issues. If its because he is worried you will break up over it...do you think theres a chance you would break up anyway if you dont have kids? Does he know this?

The strain does use issues for a lot of couples. But a lot of couples also go on to have kids and even when they dont they can still have happy marriages.

If you both had counselling throughout the process and agreed to review after each cycle and stop if you felt it was having a negative effect do you think he would compromise and try?

notapizzaeater · 13/04/2019 15:44

My sister was you, she decided not to push against DH wishes. She then ended up divorced anyway (partly because of this issue as she resented him) and now she's in a new relationship it's too late for her.

Original poster

Bleeo · 13/04/2019 15:44

Thanks for your post @Blankspace4 I completely understand. It's a huge decision. There's no wrong/right, I feel like infertility creates so many life-changing decisions.

Is there no hope of for you conceiving naturally?

Even with IVF there's a 75% failure rate, so I feel I understand my DH not wanting us to go through such a huge emotional ordeal when the chances are so low. He said "it's not even 50/50, how unfair is that".

OP posts:

FaithInfinity · 13/04/2019 15:48

That sounds tough. We’re in a similar position TTC DC#2. I have endo, he has low sperm count. We have a miracle DD after 2 years TTC and DH having treatment for an underlying health problem. We’ve been told our best chance of conceiving would be IVF but at the moment it’s not the ideal time (I am having health problems). However I’d have IVF for a first DC, no questions. Your H’s refusal to consider ironically may split you up anyway in the long term.

Has he ever had his prolactin levels tested? Did they ever establish why he has low sperm Clint?

Meandwinealone · 13/04/2019 15:50

That means there is a 25% chance it will work.

claraschu · 13/04/2019 15:58

If he is worried that IVF could put a huge strain on your marriage and you want to try IVF, he should realise that not trying IVF could put a huge strain on your marriage.

I know lots of people who have conceived through IVF.

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