To think it's never going to happen

[Bleeo]

Regular too regular poster, NC.

Been TTC for 4 years. Been offered IVF but DH is a big no. I respect his feelings. He wants to keep trying naturally.

But. He has a (very) low sperm count, I have Endometriosis, low egg reserve, and slightly unhappy tubes due to contracting an infection after a sexual assault in my teens.

I'm booked for a laparoscopy to remove some of the Endo and a few fun cysts hanging about.

The specialist said it's still possible to conceive naturally but IVF is our best chance. With DH saying no to IVF, and with our issues, it's never going to happen, is it? I'm 35, DH is 42.

I don't know how to feel.

You need to work out if you're happy with the conditions of conceive naturally or no children at all. That's the true decision here.

Will you get to the menopause and resent him if you didn't fall pregnant naturally? Would u forever regret not trying absolutely everything? That (understandable) bitterness and resentment could end your marriage eventually anyway.

Sorry OP

I don't know, is the answer to most of the questions. I wish I did, but I just don't know if I would be regretful or resentful. I'd like to think I wouldn't be, but once it really is too late and here's no hope at all?

Or do we stop trying now and I make my peace with the situation?

I never thought for a moment that infertility would be something that affected us. How stupid I was those first few months at the start of trying, thinking I was pregnant when I wasn't.

That’s why it would be good to go to a couples therapist specialising in this now.

Before resentment sneaks in. Before it’s too late. And you need total honesty.

Because you can say I understand and accept his choice, but that doesn’t negate that choice might make you angry or resentful.

And you’re only 35, I would not be giving up at your age.

Thanks for the replies.

OP - since a surgery I had last year, (unexpectedly) no chance of conceiving naturally.

I wouldn’t be surprised if it is playing on his mind more than he lets on. Could you agree a time to talk about it? Not saying you haven’t tried that of course, but if you can address and discuss how your relationship will cope with the stress of IVF and potential failure, perhaps that takes some unknowns off the table for him.

It sounds like he doesn't want kids. The thing is, even with IVF, your chances aren't good. Fostering and adoption are not for everyone, but people always trot this out to infertile couples.

I'd highly recommend a couples therapist who specialises in this so you can make a decision that suits you and that you can make peace with.

He doesn’t really want kids OP. If he did he would be willing to do IVF. Especially as the problem is largely his. You need to think long and hard if that is how you want to line your life.

If there are several known fertility issues then the odds against you falling pregnant naturally really do stack up. IVF really has come on in leaps and bounds over the last few years. Especially if you go to a good clinic. I had IVF and it worked first time for me. I know it’s easy for me to say but I know a lot of people who have had IVF and only one of them it’s not worked for (all the others ended up having a baby).

I’d definitely recommend counselling. It will help you both talk about how your feeling and work out what you will and won’t compromise on. Maybe trying naturally for a set time then seeing where you are.

It’s really hard.

It’s not the strain of IVF that kills relationships it’s the strain of infertility. I’m lucky in that IVF worked for me (1st time for DS, 4th time for DD) and looking back the IVF was nothing, but the thought of never having a baby was huge and dreadful. Try to persuade him to go to counselling OP.

IVF as a whole is a minefield OP. 25% chance overall of it working. But once you get to embryo transfer the chances of conception are 40% every transfer. Given the chances of concieving naturally for a 'healthy fertility' couple are 10%, when you're at the embryo transfer stage you're way ahead of 'natural conception'.

Equally though, my friend is going through IVF and he massively resents it now. His marriage is failing after only a few years because of it and they're only half way through cycle one (3 failed transfers, 2 left in this cycle).

He's said if it doesn't work he doubts they'll make it to cycle 2 and if cycle 1 works then the stress of kids will destroy them anyway.
Most only have it in them to fight one big battle. Their entire marriage has been IVF and stress and two years before that ttc.

Tbh, it's ruined their relationship so much that it's obvious he doesn't even really want it to work anymore, but the slight chance of it working is the only thing keeping him around until their cycle finishes. His wife has turned in to an IVF, ovulation obsessed bag of stress and he can't see who he fell in love with anymore.

I went through over 12yrs of ttc. It is the hardest thing in the world. My DS is nearly 2 and to be honest, I don't think I will be with my husband by the time he is 3.

It sounds a little like the time spent TTC has given him too much time to think about it all too deeply. Possibly that he doesn't want kids enough to justify the upheaval. Does he not see though that you never having kids could just as likely be as big a strain on your relationship than having IVF?

Is the 25% success rate personal to your own circumstances or just an average? Because you're relatively young for IVF so that should put the odds in your favour. Plus, you know what your issues are and the IVF will likely circumvent most of those (eg sperm count, tube issue). I think IVF is surely more successful in those cases than for example unexplained infertility whereby there's something preventing conception that science cannot yet fully understand and therefore fix through IVF (maybe lining issues, sperm/egg compatibility etc).

And I know anecdotes aren't data etc, etc, but for the two good friends I have who have undergone IVF, both couple's issues were low sperm count and PCOS. Issues which became non-issues with IVF. Both were successful first time.