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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be pissed off

47 replies

Help12345678910 · 13/04/2019 13:29

Prepared to be flamed.

Ok long story so bear with. Started a relationship with someone 18 months ago. Had its ups and downs. He was straight out of a long relationship.

I was texting his ex fairly frequently (with kisses for 6 months), met up once but he is adamant he would never rekindle. Been an issue since then. He is still in contact every two weeks to a month with her. Recently, he has been hiding his phone and then we had a big fall out because I noticed the taking it everywhere/hiding the screen and then it turns out she has been asking to meet up the discuss the break up which he replied with "I'll think about it"

Whilst the exchanges between them don't bother me as such, I have said I would prefer to know when they happen and the discussion around it. I don't care if he meets up with her even (well I wouldn't stop it, I can't control him). He has an issue with someone I went in one date with liking my social media so I blocked that person, no question.

I don't doubt he's saying mostly the truth. I don't think he wants to get back together but he wants me to trust him that it isn't important but it is to me. AIBU to think he should say if she has been texting/asking? He says I would react badly over nothing and it's all my paranoia but I don't think he'd like it the other way round.

I had issues with him texting a friend who he used to fancy as well, and they discussed our relationship when things are tough. He does love me and I know it's paranoia partly but it's not all me right? I have said I feel like it's double standards.

Just tell me to stop being so silly. He wouldn't cheat. I just feel insecure because it feels like he is keeping his options open in case we split, which I know is my problem but it isn't all me.

Sorry this has been long and rambling. There is more but hard to write it all out.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 13/04/2019 13:39

He's gaslighting you and I wouldn't trust him any further than I could throw him. You see that, surely? He's up to no good while being a controlling twat at the same time. Get rid.

WonkoTheSane42 · 13/04/2019 13:48

He has an issue with someone I went in one date with liking my social media so I blocked that person, no question.

Why the fuck did you do that?

Original poster
Help12345678910 · 13/04/2019 13:54

I know he wouldn't cheat though. And I am not without my issues. But since I've been with him, I wouldn't entertain exes about discussions about where it all went wrong.

I feel like

OP posts:
Original poster
Help12345678910 · 13/04/2019 13:56

Sorry posted too soon.

I feel like he wants one thing from me but it's ok from him

OP posts:
Whatsnewpussyhat · 13/04/2019 13:57

He wouldn't cheat

Don't be so bloody naive. He's acting like a dick and hiding his phone. Sounds like he is with you so he wasn't alone, sorry.

Cut your losses and tell him to go. You don't deserve to be anyone's 2nd choice.

userxx · 13/04/2019 14:01

Let me get this right, he's in constant contact with a significant ex, he spits his dummy out because someone you had a date once liked something on SM? See how crazy that sounds.

BasilBrushes · 13/04/2019 14:01

Why are you so adamant he won’t cheat when his behaviour tells you otherwise?

AtrociousCircumstance · 13/04/2019 14:05

You’re not being silly. He’s very likely to cheat, if he hasn’t already.

Him freaking out about that one bloke liking your fb post was him protecting how own lack of principles.

You can’t trust him. I know it’s not what you want to hear but it jumps right out.

AlwaysCheddar · 13/04/2019 14:07

We. An all see what’s he’s doing, but you need to realise and then get rid.

Original poster
Help12345678910 · 13/04/2019 14:13

She comments on his SM posts and he won't put stuff up from our relationship or significant events. He says he is worried about how she would take it.

Ugh sounds naive, but I get his viewpoint. She probs would go mental. But at what point is that not a concern?

She knows nothing about us. I have an ex and whilst I havent explicitly explained the new relationship, I wouldn't hold back the new relationship for it.

OP posts:
latenightcup · 13/04/2019 14:18

You’ve been together 18 months ago and he refuse so to go SM public with you over what she’ll think?

Leave this man. He’s more concerned about his ex than he is about you!

BasilBrushes · 13/04/2019 14:20

You’re so naive! Who gives a fuck what his ex thinks? He’s not with her!

She knows nothing about you and you’ve been together for 18 months? Bloody hell OP, wake up.

AtrociousCircumstance · 13/04/2019 14:24

You are being daft OP. You really ought to value yourself and your one life more.

Original poster
Help12345678910 · 13/04/2019 14:29

Ok I don't have SM or friends so thanks for your viewpoints.

I do get what you are saying. I really love him. But 18 months later, I have turned into a mental person. I had been with my ex (though so had he) before us starting and this guy who was sweet but never anything more and I never would cheat on him.

I just wish he would admit to me even without the whole talk about it with her, so like a subtle I have moved on.

OP posts:
Sn0tnose · 13/04/2019 14:33

He says he is worried about how she would take it He's more concerned about her feelings than yours. Why isn't he worrying about how you feel? It sounds like he's stringing you both along. Please don't be too certain that he wouldn't cheat on you. Your relationship doesn't sound like a priority for him.

AWishForWingsThatWork · 13/04/2019 14:34

Walk away. Seriously. Walk away.

He has double standards. He's lying. He's hiding his phone from you. He's definitely keeping his options open.

Awrite · 13/04/2019 14:34

Agree with everyone else. You need to find your self esteem op and realise that this man is treating you very badly.

I suspect it will get worse.

Original poster
Help12345678910 · 13/04/2019 14:37

Thanks everyone, I've been crying all day which isn't good. I feel a little less mental but still wonder if I'm just being unreasonable.

I think not but am I throwing something down the drain over nothing?

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 13/04/2019 14:40

Kindly meant: wake up OP. This will get worse and worse.

Your child self just wants to shut her eyes and pretend everything’s going to be lovely. But it isn’t. Parent yourself now. Make the adult decision.

AtrociousCircumstance · 13/04/2019 14:41

And sorry you’re feeling so awful Flowers

Original poster
Help12345678910 · 13/04/2019 14:45

It's so hard because I do really love him and he will make it into my fault

OP posts:
Lobsterquadrille2 · 13/04/2019 14:48

Aw, OP. The fact that is clearly isn't your fault yet you know in advance that he will make it your fault really says it all. I agree with (I think all) PPs. You deserve someone who puts your feelings first, not those of an ex. After 18 months, your relationship shouldn't be hidden from anyone unless he's keeping his options open.

jophie80 · 13/04/2019 14:51

If they had were together for 3 years or more, then please know that it takes years to get over a significant ex. The familiarity and love that develops doesn't just go away after you break up. So if he is talking to her (in the way you describe) that means he is still in love with her and what they are doing right now is testing the water to see if they can get back together and resolve their differences. You must see that. No?

I have had that before when I break up, and then continue to talk to my ex on the phone, and sometimes we meet for a chat and something more.

If I were you I would tell him to choose between you or her? Otherwise what he is doing is stringing you along whilst at the same time checking to see how his ex feels about him, is she misses him and if she wants him back, and v. versa.

Don't be fooled by the crap.

Trust me on this. Think of it like this. If you had broken up with someone, and then decide to discuss the events which led to that break up... no one in their right mind wants to cover old arguments unless they see some value in doing that... otherwise no one wants to cover old ground is blooming exhausting if anything

He is clearly not over her.

LovelyJubbly67 · 13/04/2019 14:52

You are being incredibly naive and gullible. RUN.

TeddybearBaby · 13/04/2019 14:52

How old are you? I’m sorry that sounds patronising! It’s not supposed to. I’m genuinely interested.......