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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be pissed off

47 replies

Help12345678910 · 13/04/2019 13:29

Prepared to be flamed.

Ok long story so bear with. Started a relationship with someone 18 months ago. Had its ups and downs. He was straight out of a long relationship.

I was texting his ex fairly frequently (with kisses for 6 months), met up once but he is adamant he would never rekindle. Been an issue since then. He is still in contact every two weeks to a month with her. Recently, he has been hiding his phone and then we had a big fall out because I noticed the taking it everywhere/hiding the screen and then it turns out she has been asking to meet up the discuss the break up which he replied with "I'll think about it"

Whilst the exchanges between them don't bother me as such, I have said I would prefer to know when they happen and the discussion around it. I don't care if he meets up with her even (well I wouldn't stop it, I can't control him). He has an issue with someone I went in one date with liking my social media so I blocked that person, no question.

I don't doubt he's saying mostly the truth. I don't think he wants to get back together but he wants me to trust him that it isn't important but it is to me. AIBU to think he should say if she has been texting/asking? He says I would react badly over nothing and it's all my paranoia but I don't think he'd like it the other way round.

I had issues with him texting a friend who he used to fancy as well, and they discussed our relationship when things are tough. He does love me and I know it's paranoia partly but it's not all me right? I have said I feel like it's double standards.

Just tell me to stop being so silly. He wouldn't cheat. I just feel insecure because it feels like he is keeping his options open in case we split, which I know is my problem but it isn't all me.

Sorry this has been long and rambling. There is more but hard to write it all out.

OP posts:

AtrociousCircumstance · 13/04/2019 14:53

Your love is wasted on someone who doesn’t treat you with respect, on someone you cannot trust.

And attachment like this can make it hard to leave anyone - women stay with horrific people - the lowest of the low - due to attachment and love. The experience of love is never a reason to stay with someone - unless it’s your own child.

And as a PP says the fact that he will make it all your fault tells you everything. He won’t strive to understand, won’t listen.

Original poster

Help12345678910 · 13/04/2019 15:01

I'm 36! Should be old enough to know better

To answer people, yes it does take time to get over people and I get that. I had a six year relationship with someone and now that's done.

OP posts:

Original poster

Help12345678910 · 13/04/2019 15:04

jophie80 thank you. You summed it up. Why would he continue?

OP posts:

TeddybearBaby · 13/04/2019 15:09

Same as me, I’m 36 ☺️. I really feel for you. Crying is really good for you though so I’m not surprised you’re feeling a little better. Doesn’t matter about age / experience if your self esteem / confidence is low. It doesn’t sound like he’s giving you much respect atm but you need to set your own boundaries and worth here because what is fine for one person isn’t for another. You don’t sound very fulfilled to me. Good luck x

TeddybearBaby · 13/04/2019 15:12

I really like a dating guru called Matthew Hussey. His videos help gee you up / feel better about yourself sometimes. He does videos on things like ‘why does this guy text me constantly one minute and then not for months.....’ things like that. You might like them!

Original poster

Help12345678910 · 13/04/2019 15:20

Thank you everyone who posted. I'm thinking that I should dump him but am scared because I love him x

OP posts:

BlankTimes · 13/04/2019 15:23

I do really love him and he will make it into my fault

Read your own words OP, that is a massive Red Flag for abusive behaviour.

When you blocked your ex because your current partner "didn't like it", that was your current partner using coercive control.

Please open your eyes, please read your own words in this thread and think what you'd advise someone in your situation to do. You must see how badly he is treating you.

His actions are not the actions of a man who is in love with his partner.
His actions are those of a controlling bully who wants to eradicate all of your self-esteem.

Leave, otherwise you'll only have more of the same treatment from him and it will get worse and worse.

Original poster

Help12345678910 · 13/04/2019 15:36

Ok if I end it what do i say? I don't want to b blamed but I can't see a way forward. He would nevr put his ex over me

OP posts:

Troels · 13/04/2019 15:44

So he's happy to have you block someone he's not comfortable with you having contact, and in this way you are being respectful of his feelings. Because you care.
But he wants you to just be OK or get over the fact that he contacts people who make you uncomfortable? Bit of a one sided relationship with you doing all the compromising and being respectful. I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him.

AtrociousCircumstance · 13/04/2019 15:44

You could just say that your feelings have changed over time, you can no longer see a future for your relationship and that it is best you go your separate ways - and you wish him all the best for the future.

That way there’s nothing to argue about, nothing to blame you for.

Troels · 13/04/2019 15:45

If you are ending it, why do you care what he says, you won't be with him anymore he can blame whoever he wants for it no matter what you say, just get it over and done with. Tell him the truth don't try to convince him of anything and walk away with your head held high

Motoko · 13/04/2019 15:46

What does it matter if he blames you? Seriously.

The only important thing is to get out of this relationship. Any relationship that has ups and downs during the first 18 months, is not worth carrying on with, because there are obviously fundamental problems that will always be there.

Add on to that, the fact that he's gaslighting and controlling, it means that you should get out asap.

It will be hard, and you will feel like shit, but you WILL get through it, and then you have the chance of meeting someone who treats you with respect. All the time you're with this one, you're stopping that chance.

Just tell him it's over. You've decided you're not right together. And then leave. Do not fall for any tears/begging/promises. They will be lies, just so he can keep you under his control.

TeddybearBaby · 13/04/2019 15:51

I’m going to tell you my perspective and you can take from that whatever you like. So I can already feel my blood boiling at the thought of some of the things you’ve talked about like ‘I don’t want to piss off ex with pictures of you’. My reaction would be you f’ing what?! How dare you say that to me?! Who on earth do you think you’re talking to that 1. I’m not the priority here and 2. You think I’m enough of a mug to go along with this shit...... And I couldn’t give a rats arse what he had to say so it wouldn’t be a problem. I’d say to the universe if that’s the best you’ve got for me I’m looking forward to a life alone cos nothing would make my standards be that low. This is why I’m wondering if your self esteem is low. Your concerns are all about what he is going to think or feel and not about you and what you deserve. I think you need to change your mindset from this guy being the love of your life. Pls check out that guy I mentioned x

Bumshkawahwah · 13/04/2019 16:00

It sounds very like you are the plan B. I’m really sorry to say that, but he’s so hung up in her. I’m not saying he doesn’t love you in some way, but he’s not prioritizing you. She’s an ex and there is no reason to be in contact, never mind this often. If she were a reasonable ex, and they could stay friends in a healthy way, that’s one thing, but to be ‘friends’ but he has to hide his life with you from her, that’s not right.

If you break up, yes, he will put the blame on you. It sounds like he does for other things anyway, do this would be no different. And that’s exactly why you should break up with him, he’s more concerned with being in the right than taking your feelings into account.

He knows how you feel, he’s not changing it and he thinks he’s right about all this. And he has double standards. Your choices are, really, live with this situation and suck it up, because it’s worth it just to be in a relationship with him or get out.

You don’t have to be ‘right’ and you don’t need him to agree that YANBU. What you can put up with is up to you to decide, not him. For what it’s worth, I think YANBU, bit that’s just my opinion.

Original poster

Help12345678910 · 13/04/2019 16:30

Thanks everyone.

I did try and break up. Hes not having it. I need to be strong.

OP posts:

WonkoTheSane42 · 13/04/2019 16:36

He really doesn’t have a say on whether you’re breaking up with him.

Whatsnewpussyhat · 13/04/2019 16:38

I did try and break up. Hes not having it

Well tell him tough shit! Not having it? He's playing you like a fool. You know this. Stop allowing it.
He pretends you don't exist ffs in case his ex finds out.

Do you have children/Do you want children?
Just trying to find out why you want to cling to this man.

Motoko · 13/04/2019 16:44

What do you mean, "he's not having it"? He has no choice. If you say you're breaking up, then you're breaking up. He can't force you to be in a relationship with him!

Are you living together?

AtrociousCircumstance · 13/04/2019 16:45

Just keep saying, “it’s over and that’s not up for discussion.”

What a wanker he is.

Yes, you need to be strong now.

AWishForWingsThatWork · 13/04/2019 18:15

"it takes two to want to be in a relationship. I don't. We're over. Get out. Lose my number."

SweatyUnderboob · 13/04/2019 18:25

Him accommodating his ex essentially means there are three people in your relationship when there should be two.

As others have said, you deserve better than this!

Ihatehashtags · 13/04/2019 20:14

@He will make it into my fault that is your answer right there OP!

You aren’t doing anything wrong. He is!! It’s not normal to still be in contact with an ex (unless they have kids together) after 18 months, or to hide his phone, or to hide your relationship.

It’s disrespectful. Get rid of him.

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