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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel sick and keep replaying this in my head?

44 replies

Neverender · 13/04/2019 13:28

Took DD to the swings today and when we came back I unlocked the front door and opened it.

She wanted to open the door so I half shut it so she couldn't do it, but her fingers were in the hinge.

She had lines on her fingers and has little bruises. Lots of cuddles and some sweets and now she's gone for a nap.

AIBU to keep replaying this in my head, but I'm changing it to pulling the door completely shut and chopping off her little fingers...I can't stop, feel sick and keep wanting to cry.

Can anyone help me stop doing this? I'm not normally dramatic but this has really got to me.

OP posts:

Goldmandra · 13/04/2019 13:34

It's normal.

I took my eye off DD2 aged 13 months long enough for her to fall down 3 stairs and break her arm.

I stepped sideways to open a curtain at the top of our stairs and knocked DD1 aged 3 downstairs.

I asked DD1 to go horse-riding with her sister. She fell off, broke her ankle, ten days in hospital and five months unable to walk.

We all make mistakes and beat ourselves up for it. Things could always have been worse and they could always have not happened at all.

It's just part of parenting.

Boyskeepswinging · 13/04/2019 13:35

It was an accident and no lasting damage was done. Yes, it was horrible but it was an accident and she will have forgotten all about it very soon. Do something to take away the emptiness that allows your brain to wander and when a scary thought comes in your head replace it with a lovely thought.

notacooldad · 13/04/2019 13:40

When Ds1 was s toddler we lived on a busy main road. I had pulled on to the drive and opened the front door and we both walked in.
I had a land line then and the phone was ringing. I took the call and it was south stopping something at work. I heard a car horn blast but didnt think. I glanced round and the front door was wide open and ds was in the middle of the road. Thankfully a man in the van spotted him and blocked the traffic so no one could get past.
I relived that for months!!!
You will calm down but it us scary when things happen.
It wont help but the best I can say is get used to it! My lads are in their 20s and stuff still occasionally happens that causes dream!

Poppins2016 · 13/04/2019 13:40

I don't know whether this will help or not... But I once actually closed the door completely with my thumb in the hinge and I recovered with 'just' bloody painful bruising and a scar across my thumb nail. My point here being that the worst scenario may not have been as bad as you're imagining.

It's completely natural to feel as you do. It's bad enough when our children are hurt, let alone when it's actively our (accidental) fault. But try to focus on the fact that your DD is ok, it's over now and you'll learn from the experience and check the door before closing it next time! Accidents happen to all parents, it's not a reflection of your parenting ability.

On another note... How old is your DD? Do keep an eye on her and if she starts not to use her hand (small children tend to just stop using a limb/hand if in a lot of pain) it might be worth a check up at a walk in centre.

Pimmsypimms · 13/04/2019 13:41

Oh op. I know how you feel! When my dd was 2, she put her fingers inside the window frame when I was closing the window. I didn't realise she had.
it's the type of window you have to pull shut and then pull again to put the latch on as it was old, so effectively a double pull. For some reason I just did the one pull and not the usual double pull as if I had have, it would have taken her fingers off for sure. I still feel sick at the thought of it and it was 11 years ago. Be kind to yourself, it was an accident

HarrysOwl · 13/04/2019 13:42

My brother shut the door when my fingers were in the hinge-bit when I was 18 months old, I lost half a finger.

It definitely could have been worse!

YouBoggleMyMind · 13/04/2019 13:48

My DM shut my DB's fingers in the car door. It was one of those sliding doors and she wasn't closing it gently either..

I dislocated my DS's arm at Toddlers... off to A&E we went. Very common apparently!

I know how you feel but like PP said, it's a part of parenting. A horrible part! Hope you're ok

justthecat · 13/04/2019 13:49

My ds1 did this, but it was a very heavy fire door , I still remember it now and he’s 27 !

gamerwidow · 13/04/2019 13:51

It’s a normal reaction but it’ll pass. We’ve all had near misses and you feel awful thinking about what could have been afterwards but you’ve got to remember that everything is ok and it’s over with now.

Original poster

Neverender · 13/04/2019 13:52

@Goldmandra thanks I know it could have been worse but did you replay them over and over and over?

@notacooldad we also live on a busy road and that's my worst nightmare!

@Harrysowl I just keep thinking about what would have happened if I'd shut it completely - which I have done before so she could open it again.

The door is solid wood and her fingers would definitely not have been ok. There's no rubber bit or leeway - just solid wood.

OP posts:

DramaAlpaca · 13/04/2019 13:52

DS1 caught his fingers in a car door when he was little. No lasting damage but I still go cold when I think of it & he's 25.

Original poster

Neverender · 13/04/2019 13:53

Is it completely normal to be consumed with 'what could have happened'? I think I'm really tired and feeling a bit emotional - I've never had this feeling before...

OP posts:

HarrysOwl · 13/04/2019 13:56

I just keep thinking about what would have happened if I'd shut it completely

But you didn't, and she's fine! It really wasn't your fault; just like it wasn't my brother's fault I lost half a finger. Just one of those things!

Don't beat yourself up - it wasn't in any way intentional and it's all okay. You'll feel much better in a day or two about it.

strawberrie · 13/04/2019 13:57

Been there, survived that

I trapped toddler DS' fingers in the toilet door in John Lewis - immediately his fingers looked so misshapen and squashed that I thought I'd permanently disfigured him, and I promptly collapsed into a big,shuddering sobbing fit.

As you can imagine we caused quite a commotion between his crying and mine, and lots of staff members came to our aid and I couldn't get the words out, I could only hold up the poor squashed hand

A lovely first aider produced an ice pack for him, and tea and a chocolate brownie for me, and his fingers quite quickly returned to a more normal looking shape, no medical treatment needed.

But for some reason that incident shook me up much worse than any of the other accidents my kids have had over the years. But it did pass. Be kind to yourself today, it won't always feel so raw.

WeeDangerousSpike · 13/04/2019 13:58

I do the playing over and over getting worse and worse thing OP. It's a symptom of my anxiety and depression - and I'm medicated for it.

Not suggesting this is that serious, but I find a stern 'NO' to myself and mentally changing the subject iykwim when the 'video' starts playing can sometimes snap me out of it. And repeat if it starts again.

MissSuebishi · 13/04/2019 13:59

I think there's something about hinges!! My DB had his finger chopped of in the hinge of the car door when he was about 4, over 30 years ago, still makes me cold when I think about it!!

Sleepdeprivationistorture · 13/04/2019 14:00

I’ve done this, I was having a bath with dd who was only 4months and she slipped in my grip and her mouth went underwater for a second if that. She cried lots because it shocked her and I spent the next two days paranoid about secondary drowning. Every time I thought about it it was a completely different scenario where she’d gone completely under water for seconds but in reality she’d barely even touched it! After a few days of seeing she was completely fine I stopped thinking about it! Everyone has a story like this and I think as a parent you will always feel guilt about these things, it’s natural!

jaseyraex · 13/04/2019 14:02

We lived in a block of flats when DS1 was just over a year old, he was comfortably walking by then and we'd just come back from the park. I let go of his hand to unlock the door and he ran off back the way and tried to go downstairs. He fell down 15 solid concrete stairs. I was hysterical, I honestly thought he might die. Rushed to hospital and all he had was a little bruise on his head, utterly fine otherwise. I beat myself up for weeks though.

These things happen. Your DD is fine and she won't remember it happening! Have a nice cup of tea and keep reminding yourself that she's fine.

murmuration · 13/04/2019 14:03

OP, you might be having a form of what's called "instrusive thoughts". It's pretty common. I had them when I had my child, envisioning all sorts of horrible things from near-misses. Then I read about them and realised what it was. Now I can label them and know, "oh, it's just my brain going on again" and move past it.

BadPennyNoBiscuit · 13/04/2019 14:03

Neverender
You are in shock, you are having a normal reaction to trauma. Take it easy today and be kind to yourself. The 'STOP' technique that WeeDangerousSpike posted upthread is a useful one.
Consider phoning someone to talk it over - The Samaritans are there for you.

Playing it over and over can be a symptom of PTSD, so if its still happening next week and you find you can't manage it, talk to your GP.

Allfednonedead · 13/04/2019 14:04

It is normal to feel like this, but it will wear off.

My strategy for dealing with it would be to actually think through what would have happened (A&E, x-rays, slung, weeks of recovery, completely better) ONCE thoroughly. Then let it go.

Allfednonedead · 13/04/2019 14:04

Sling, not slung, of course.

gamerwidow · 13/04/2019 14:06

Is it completely normal to be consumed with 'what could have happened'?
Yes completely normal. It only happened today and was a terrible shock for you.
If it’s still happening in a few days time then it needs further action but for today this is fine. Don’t worry.

ittakes2 · 13/04/2019 14:08

We went to a christmas party which was held during the day at a night club venue (it had an indoors bowling alley). It was very noisy and after coming through some doors my daughter (about 5) stopped and I kept tugging at her arm as I thought she was being awkward. Turns out that sadly her tiny fingers were caught in the SOUND PROOF DOORS. They were designed to close tightly. Luckily she was OK but I will never forget how they looked when we first got them out - very flat.

dudsville · 13/04/2019 14:08

As some others have said, when your mind jumps to what didn't happen remind yourself quite concretely what did actually happen, and that it's over, and everything is ok.

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