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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to expect this

36 replies

Cherry4weans · 13/04/2019 02:06

My partner is wonderful, amazing in every way. He has adopted my eldest 3 children and we have one together. Before I was in a horrific abusive marriage and I hoped he'd be the one. And this would be a proper loving marriage, but he doesn't want to even propose. I thought he hadn't because he wasn't in a well paid job and our lives had alot of added stress and heartache. Now 7 years down the line, the selfish part of me just wants the lovely proposal and wedding. Sounds ridiculous but I'm jealous that the kids are officially his and not me. I love him so much. He taught me how to be myself. Which is main reason I dont want to push him into anything. I have new health conditions that affect me, he has stuck around and I dont think he would bail. So why am I wanting official notice that he will stick around? I just want to show everyone I love him and that we are permanent AIBU.

OP posts:

OffToBedhampton · 13/04/2019 02:08

Have you had that chat? Honey, we have a child together and we love each other , so where are we going? Will we get married?

MarthasGinYard · 13/04/2019 02:19

'So why am I wanting official notice that he will stick around?'

Because he has adopted your dc

Blimey I would never have done that before marriage

Smotheroffive · 13/04/2019 02:28

I am shocked he has adopted your DC without you already having married!!!

That's really odd as he has more legal rights over them than you do to each other.

Please don't ask him 'will we marry'. It's not his decision.

You both have this decision jointly. If you want marriage make that clear.

It's worrying that you say he 'owns' your DC, but not you!

You want him to 'own' you?

It's a really uncomfortable use of words.

You are not someone's property, or ever should be,nor are your DC. You are responsible for their safety protection and providing a loving home while they grow, then leave. No owning. Maybe 'being put on' by them is more apt!

Happynow001 · 13/04/2019 04:20

OP are you equal partners financially? Share a joint account? Your name on the mortgage/deeds? What happens if he becomes critically ill and/or dies- is there legal/financial provision for you and the children? Do you both have up to date wills?

No need to answer these questions here but things to think about as you are not married to him - even though he has adopted your children.

allthegoodusernameshavegone · 13/04/2019 04:48

Why don’t you propose to him?

Breathingfire · 13/04/2019 05:38

He's done a big thing adopting your kids, you do one and propose!

Original poster

Cherry4weans · 13/04/2019 08:03

Smotheroffive didn't actually say he 'owns' them just that they are his. But you might have hit a point. I am very very used to so called love been shown by drama/grand gestures and later control. This is the first equal relationship I have ever had and everything (banks, wills etc) are organised as such. I'm probably taking the absence of proposal as a rejection rather than being a grown up about it, because I'm still not used to contentment, without drama surrounding me.

OP posts:

Jackshouse · 13/04/2019 08:05

Do you want to be married or have a wedding party? I’m not sure from your post.

You should be able to discuss your life plans and ambitions with your partner.

Original poster

Cherry4weans · 13/04/2019 12:02

I understand what you mean bout marriage vs party. In my mind I am already married so yeah part of it is that I'm a divorce and I feel a bit sick that all the joy from a wedding was wasted on someone horrible and I want to do it the right way this time. I know it doesn't really matter but it makes me feel secure. Think the big thing about this rant I had shows up the work I still have to do on myself.

OP posts:

Smotheroffive · 13/04/2019 13:24

Smotheroffive didn't actually say he 'owns' them just that they are his

Two statements saying the same thing? They're his, well no, he's legally got parental status and welfare responsibilities, but their not his, they're DC not owned by anyone.

Take your equal role and responsibility for your own happiness and control of your life and that of your dependents.

If you want marriage for legal reasons, and sense of security for you all,plus a newer and better feel/celebration of your love, these are your valid reasons and need expressing.

Being in a fabulous relationship with a great bloke is about being able to exactly this express yourself and still feel loved and respected for your views. To have them taken seriously.

This is a good relationship, living in a shadow is not. By holding onto your feelings and not expressing you are not bringing yourself to the party!

GottenGottenGotten · 13/04/2019 13:29

Why are people being so funny about the user of 'his' to describe the children?

Surely everyone speaks about 'my kids' 'his daughter' 'her children' etc?

Its an indication of parenthood, not of ownership.

GottenGottenGotten · 13/04/2019 13:30

I also find it off that you would arrange b the adoption of your children by him ahead of your marriage to him.

Why do that of marriage is important to you?

GottenGottenGotten · 13/04/2019 13:30

Urgh. Odd, not off!

MarthasGinYard · 13/04/2019 13:31

'also find it off that you would arrange b the adoption of your children by him ahead of your marriage to him.

Why do that of marriage is important to you?'

I'm just not catching on to this either

Smotheroffive · 13/04/2019 13:39

Picking up on these things, as a whole picture, does indicate putting him ahead of her.

How long have you been together OP? How long of being together did he adopt, and was that his idea that you were happy to go along with?

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 13/04/2019 13:44

It seem so like you want the proposal and wedding day rather than actual marriage.

He doesn't have to want to get married, far better he doesn't than be pressured into it.

There's no way in earth I would have let a boyfriend adopt my children nor would I have wanted a parents bf/gf to adopt me either.

Original poster

Cherry4weans · 13/04/2019 14:09

Yes I probably do want the proposal and wedding. It is probably because of personal insecurity rather than anything he is or isn't doing. Also, regrets and want to shout to everyone how happy I am now because of my first wedding being such a farce. Have been raised to base worth on things like that and probably not fully healed from worrying what others think. And also just want a nice happy occasion for my family and kids, a fun celebration. I am 100% secure safe and happy in my relationship. Its long term and adoption happened this year at the kids request and supported by both of us. I would imagine it would be very very difficult to adopt a child through coercive control, if that's the inference? I could most definitely just talk about what I want but I guess I also want the surprise and the magic. I know real life is more than that.

OP posts:

Smotheroffive · 13/04/2019 14:13

No, its your mind set I was wondering about, just posing questions around the stability and boundaries all round.

A lot because of the adoption, i.e. legally.binding for DC over and above your legal status. It is unusual, and gives.him legal advantage over yours

MarthasGinYard · 13/04/2019 14:14

Something just doesn't ring right here.

Odd

Smotheroffive · 13/04/2019 14:17

What does long term mean, as its a subjective term. Does it mean five years or more, as that would be my subjective meaning, in terms of going from stranger in my life to adoption of my dc?

But then, I wouldn't support it in the first place, if we weren't already established legally as a married couple.

You have no legal footing with the man who has.legal attachments with your DC.

I just wonder about the 'wanting the DC to have a dad' thing. Like they would have am horrendous hole in their lives without (not true).

NaturatintGoldenChestnut · 13/04/2019 14:20

Dear god! I roll my eyes at people having big blow out weddings when they've been divorced. You're being very silly. He's already done the greatest of commitments and you want a frilly party. Yes, YABU.

NaturatintGoldenChestnut · 13/04/2019 14:22

Just tell him you'd like to be married, see what he says, trot down the Registry with your kids and family or just you two and sort it. There's no need for yet another wedding.

Original poster

Cherry4weans · 13/04/2019 14:43

I never said I wanted a big blow out wedding just a celebration. And I know there is 'no need' it is a want of mine. My first wedding was completely controlled by abusive people which might explain my wish to have another go where I don't have to put on an act.

OP posts:

NaturatintGoldenChestnut · 13/04/2019 14:51

You're unhealthily fixated on a party and having people watch you marry again due to your past. It's odd.

Original poster

Cherry4weans · 13/04/2019 14:53

Well over 5 years yes. Court, social services and independent reporter all deemed it beneficial to my kids to have the adoption.

OP posts:

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