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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to expect this

36 replies

Cherry4weans · 13/04/2019 02:06

My partner is wonderful, amazing in every way. He has adopted my eldest 3 children and we have one together. Before I was in a horrific abusive marriage and I hoped he'd be the one. And this would be a proper loving marriage, but he doesn't want to even propose. I thought he hadn't because he wasn't in a well paid job and our lives had alot of added stress and heartache. Now 7 years down the line, the selfish part of me just wants the lovely proposal and wedding. Sounds ridiculous but I'm jealous that the kids are officially his and not me. I love him so much. He taught me how to be myself. Which is main reason I dont want to push him into anything. I have new health conditions that affect me, he has stuck around and I dont think he would bail. So why am I wanting official notice that he will stick around? I just want to show everyone I love him and that we are permanent AIBU.

OP posts:

AllTheWhoresOfMalta · 13/04/2019 15:01

I do get it Cherry4weans. I was with a man for years who I loved with all of my heart, but he was very abusive looking back and it ended very badly. So what was the first thing I wanted as soon as I was out of it and with someone basically usual? Marriage! And for the wedding to be the happiest and best thing of all time that no one could say or think anything negative about. So I could be a bride and be proud I had been one.

Yeah, so that was a thing that happened.

I’ve had a shitload of therapy since and I think it’s about wanting to be owned by someone, or at the very least belong to someone and be part of a wider, official thing. The first relationship with the man I had really loved had been the result of an affair and never had an official footing, I hated the fact he had been married before etc.

Anyway, that was a long time ago now and I am much more sure of who I am and my wants and desires and just of what my personality is. I am married now to a whole new guy, and we didn’t marry for years becuse my reaction to wedding no. 1 was to just sort of pretend it never happened. But eventually I did pluck up the courage to be honest, tell him all of the above and what I felt and tell him that I wanted marriage and that I wanted it to be small and private and just about the fact that I loved him, nothing else. So that’s what we did: us, witnesses, in and out and done. Was perfect. And my husband fully understood that’s why that’s what I wanted because I told him the truth rather than pretending not to feel how I felt.

Tinkoschminko · 13/04/2019 15:10

I think it might be more important to ask yourself why you care how other people see you and your happiness. It doesn’t matter OP. What matters is your family.

NannyRed · 13/04/2019 15:27

Could you propose to him?

It could still be romantic or the grand gesture, whichever you want.
Ask him the question, have a ring for his finger and if he says yes, you can go shopping together for your ring.

Don’t let tradition get in the way of your future happiness (wedding day) be that independent woman and ask for his hand.

Smotheroffive · 13/04/2019 15:36

Well I guess, upon application, they approved it?

They are not going to advise you really should be thinking about yourself first, and your DC in the light of your own [their DM] circumstances. That's not their role in getting involved in adoption proceedings.

They are also not necessarily right either, that the 2.4 family is beneficial, that they must have a df, for their well-being, etc. These are societal myths being perpetuated.

I don't see anything wrong with having a huge celebration if that's want you'd love, and feels right for you, the important matter is what it represents, honestly,for you...after your experiences

Any future DH would be very insulted to know this would be about erasing the previous DH. To try to top or somehow crown the other one, rather than deal with the pain and sadness the loss of all your hopes and dreams brings to you.

It has been a busy time, andandve years is not a long time to recover.

It would be worth working through your intentions here, and facing the pain of the past wedding and its losses. Maybe an NHS counselling referral for six.weeks?

Did you do the freedom programme? Really useful for moving forward, and follow up courses.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 13/04/2019 16:24

You could have had a celebration at the adoption point if your need for a party and public validation of happiness was what you wanted.

I'd worry why you felt the need for the public display if you were my child.

HollowTalk · 13/04/2019 16:29

Why did you agree to adoption without being married? I would have taken it that he wasn't committed enough to adopt.

Smotheroffive · 13/04/2019 16:31

I thought that about the adoption being an opportunity to celebrate as a family, but then I couldn't get passed that the adoption happened before they were married.

I still don't understand that.

It's clearly more important they have a father than anything else, which IS decidely odd

Merryoldgoat · 13/04/2019 16:34

What is the substance of your conversations about it? Has he said he doesn’t want to GET married, or he’d do it quietly but doesn’t want fuss?

I’m finding it a bit hard to get to the crux of the matter.

Original poster

Cherry4weans · 13/04/2019 17:03

I appreciate and will answer some of you points. I do not wish to perpetuate a 'need' for a father in a person's life, though the access courts near me certainly would (as in, prioritise it over safety and well-being). I had my children very close together and was divorced before child 3 was born. I was a single mum for 5 years and therefore know that woman are more than capable of fulling the role needed in a child's life.

I have known my partner since childhood, and we didn't begin adoption enquiries until 5 years into our relationship. We both fully agree that we are forever, we are ultimately happy and have already been through lots and stood buy each other. Within a reasonable time frame a family unit with no difference in love, provision and security was formed. Having all children legally on par with our bio solidified this but we have always treated each other and the children equally. I do think that my insecurity has resurfaced for other reasons (I'm recently disabled) and I am probably pinning my happiness on an occasion instead of facing my reality. Thanks for everyone's incite. You were very gentle :)

OP posts:

Original poster

Cherry4weans · 13/04/2019 17:09

Also as for my legal standing, we have a joint account. I do the finances and our home is in my name so I'm not worried about my own security

OP posts:

Smotheroffive · 13/04/2019 19:20

I think there might be legal implications for loss of life of either of you as regards DC and yourself or him, over the house, for instance, amongst other things.

I don't see why, like anyone else you shouldn't have a big wedding!

Having had a divorce makes no difference to wanting a lovely family wedding.

Assert yourself

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