Opinions please: This is more than enough financial support after marriage split, right?

[DM1209]

Wise MN, please help to settle this for me. My sister and ex-bil separated 4 years ago and now divorced.
3 children all under the age of 10 all in FT school. Marriage broke down because ex-bil had an affair, my sister found out and rightly so, she left him.
This is my AIBU:

Ex-bil covers everything financially since the split and will continue to do so for the foreseeable future -

He pays, mortgage on 4 bed property (in joint names) for my sister and their DC.

He pays ALL of the utilities, internet etc.

He pays her car insurance because he says she drives their DC around everywhere but she pays to maintain her car.

He puts a decent sum of money in their joint savings account for the DC every single month.

My sister is retraining and will be back in work by the summer. Her current income is £1300.00 a month and all she has to pay out of that is her contract on her phone, food, clothes and school trips etc for the DC. That's it.

Ex-bil is going to continue with the financial support as it is because naturally they are his children too AND because, now here's the thing......Ex-bil is financially solid where the DC are concerned but only sees them for a few hours once a month.

Doesn't call, interact outside of his chosen timeframe with them (sister has pushed and pushed to get him to increase his contact, he refuses and says this is the only time he is willing to give DC), he has no understanding of their schooling, health issues or anything, my sister does it all and they have never been with their Dad overnight, my sister literally does everything and so has no life.

We are butting heads right now because she wants ex-bil to increase his financial support towards the DC, she is very angry with how little he has to do with their DC and feels as she deals with everything else and she never gets a break or any emotional or mental support from their Dad (youngest DC has just left hospital after battling meningitis, thankfully fully recovered, ex-bil called once to ask how youngest DC was but never visited), he should simply pay more.

My argument is yes he is a wank stain but he pays enough and she should leave the finances as they are and focus on her career which will give her even greater financial independence. It is likely if she asks him he will simply humiliate her and tell her no which will just make her even more angry!

She's older than me so I'm being told I'm too young to understand..... please give me some insight.

They are 2 separate issues, I'm surprised at the number of people saying £1300 is not a lot of money - many people earn around this and have to pay rent and bills!

She is understandably angry about how little he sees the children but she can't make him be a good father. Honestly? She needs to tread very carefully, and if she pushes him he may withdraw paying for the house and the additional bills. Maybe try to get her to see that the children will have know who was around for them when they are older, and how brilliant her relationship is with her DC?

I understand how hard it can be (single parent since DD was a baby without family living nearby for the majority of the time) but I think there are plus sides, at least her DC don't have to live with a disinterested parent? Could your family give her a break - maybe have the DC stay over or babysit once a month?

From a fairness perspective she may have a point that he should pay more. The cost of replacing half the labour she puts in to looking 3 young children is going to be very high, quite likely a lot more than the cost of a mortgage (which is currently still 50% an investment for the and utilities. The figures I’ve seen quoted for replacing the work of a sahm are all American, but are in the range of $150k/year. Half of that in GBP would be nearly £60k. That doesn’t include any of the expenses of providing for 3 children (so the mortgage, food, toys, trips out, holidays, clothes, etc).

But our courts don’t require absent parents provide anything close to half. So as a legal person you’re right to have pointed that out and warn her that there are risks of pushing too hard. As a sister you should try to understand her fury, though.

*still 50% an investment for the exbil). Not sure where utilities came from!

She’s having a laugh

I doubt she's laughing very hard considering who she has had children with.

Sounds like she is just trying to punish him for being a shit parent.
She may rationalise that she's crusading on behalf of her kids, but if her actions are driven by her anger, she's just out to hurt him, ultimately; hard to shield kids from that poison.

I could imagine refusing to counsel her any more. Use the excuse that you know you're too close to give good legal advice and you want to enjoy the time you spend together, not waste it talking about her tosser Ex.

He sounds like he doesn't want to be a dad but feels like he should at least ensure they are financially secure. £1300 is a decent amount to live on after bills - many people live on that including bills as it's around net minimum wage. She wants help I'm guessing so maybe his family are in a position to have the kids eow if he won't

It's complex and partly I don't think she can quite accept his treatment of the kids, all were planned and all were born a good decade after they were married, bought a house etc so they literally did it by the book so to speak

... I would say that most divorced or widowed parents have children that were planned and did things by the book (I know this goes against the usual stereotype of what a single parent is so unfortunately, what is happening to her is not on but it is not the worse situation she could be in, far from it. As the saying goes, you don’t know who youmarried until you get divorced. It is unfair but she should better try to keep her anger and resentment under control before she ends up hurting her kids with so much resentment.

Sadly, there are some people that end up loosing interest for their kids but trying to force contact with a parent who doesn’t want it, can only ruin the kids emotional stability and lead to much worse heartbreak. Once you accept you cannot make a stone bleed, things become much easier even when you are facing exactly the same difficulties.

She's lucky IMO! My ex earns over £105k pa and got 50:50 custody of our two boys 5 years ago. Guess how much maintenance he pays me?!! Oh, and he gets CB for one child too. My earning capacity is approx. 1/4 of his.