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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to not drive to another city again after this...My friend is upset.

73 replies

swashbuckles · 12/04/2019 20:43

Sorry, bit complicated and a blatant first world issue.

I live in a small town about an hour and 20 mins away from the town I used to live in where all my friends still live. I still own a house there occupied by my friend with a room I can stay in whenever I want.

I've let my friend who lives in the town where I used to live, down on her birthday and she's upset.

She made plans for it a week or so ago, it was to be a meal and drinks after in a town some 1 hr 45 mins drive from where I live, and some 1 hr ten mins from the town my friend lives in, where I used to live.

I was at work until 6pm that day and decided I'd drive straight there, I could just about make it in time for the meal, I took change of clothes with me to work and packed things to stay over in the town I used to live in, which is closer to the town she'd chosen for her birthday night, than where I live.

All planned. I also took annual leave for the following day to avoid having to rush back.

When I was at work that day , I saw she'd messaged her group chat for it saying because a lot of people had pulled out of the meal because it was too expensive a night for them, she had planned to stay in the town she lives in (where I used to live) and just have a few drinks there instead, and that she'd catch up with others another time.
One mutual friend was meeting her there during the day for lunch and then they'd go for some drinks and others were welcome to join.

Fine, this pleased me because it meant I could be in a familiar place, I could relax at my old house and dump my things before I went out, get changed there instead of in my car! and have a couple of wines as well unlike the previous plan where I'd have a fairly long drive after.

6pm arrived I jumped in my car and set off. I got to my old hometown, dumped my bag at my house there and went to change and message my friend to ask where she was. It was then I noticed a text to the group again, sent about half an hour before I finished work. It said 'change of plan, I'm going out with xxxx in (original town some 1hr 10 mins from where I was) now, feel free to join'.

I hadn't seen this message because I did not take any breaks at work in the last hour (not allowed) or look at my 'phone, and in an effort not to arrive later than necessary I didn't look at it when I finished, I just set off.

I decided after the two hour (it was very busy on the roads) drive I'd just completed to my old home town, following a ten hour shift, to get to the night out, I wasn't going to drive another 1 hr ten mins or so, and arrive late and flustered and not be able to have a drink and have to drive back again after. I felt she must have seen that I had not seen the message, (the app notifies when one is read) and could have called as she knew what time I finished work, even if I was driving and unable to answer I could have pulled over to check at some point and know I was going to the wrong place.

She has put something on SM today about having friends who let her down Sad and having messaged her, she's said loads of people pulled out. I don't feel I 'pulled out' I tried and it was quite an effort really, annual leave ,having to pack things night before, having a long drive etc (although I appreciate it isnt her fault I am no longer local).

Would you have seen the message and driven to the other town? I feel bad that others let her down and so did I even though I didn't mean to, I was fine with any plan that she had even though I'm not well off either and the first place was quite an expensive restaurant/town to eat and drink in.

OP posts:
BlueSkiesLies · 12/04/2019 20:45

She let you down!

DisplayPurposesOnly · 12/04/2019 20:47

Your friend is an arse.

CarrieBlu · 12/04/2019 20:48

Would you have seen the message and driven to the other town?

Like fuck would I. Your friend sounds attention seeking and manipulative with her postings on SM. I think it was her that let you down!

Fiveredbricks · 12/04/2019 20:48

She farted about and is sulking. But if loads let her down in the first place I see why she was upset.

HolyForkingShirt · 12/04/2019 20:49

No, I don't check my phone for hours and realistically, if you expect people to see something URGENTLY (especially when you know they'll be driving for over an hour!) you should phone them.

I don't think you've done anything wrong.

Bringbackthestripes · 12/04/2019 20:49

Would you have seen the message and driven to the other town?

Not a chance. She changed the plans and didn’t make sure you knew. She was out of order.

GruciusMalfoy · 12/04/2019 20:50

I can't be bothered with plans that change so much last minute. She was BU to mess people around and expect them to follow what she fancied doing right at the last minute.

Sparkles07 · 12/04/2019 20:50

YANBU

you made an effort and tried to make it.

museumum · 12/04/2019 20:50

I’d say this isn’t about you but the others.
Just say that you’re so sorry about those who pulled out early and about the confusion caused when she changed the location twice.

CantWaitForSpring1 · 12/04/2019 20:51

You drove for two hours, took annual leave and she changed the plans last minute. You certainly haven’t let her down.

Original poster
swashbuckles · 12/04/2019 20:51

I have apologised. I dont know if she understands why I didnt come, or that I was upset too when I arrived in my old town got dressed up (rarity Grin ) and then learned I was not getting to see her or have a bit of a night out, I was massively looking forward to it. I'm going to stay here another night and see her tomorrow night and I'll try to explain-i dont want to put blame on her though if she already feels bad, maybe I'll just say I was exhausted and couldnt face another drive.. I was fine with plan a and plan b and would have been with plan c had I known about it.

OP posts:
museumum · 12/04/2019 20:51

Not sure why you feel the SM post is aimed at you? It’s clearly more the others.

dreichuplands · 12/04/2019 20:51

Your friend isn't being reasonable here. Endless changing of plans is for teenagers with not much else to occupy them not adults with working lives.

Original poster
swashbuckles · 12/04/2019 20:53

GruciusMalfoy I know what you mean but, I think I was the only one in this situation. Mutual friend was meeting her early that day, always the plan and all the others including me were to come along later. So because everyone else had pulled out, I was the only 'come along later' one and then I didn't show up...

OP posts:
Original poster
swashbuckles · 12/04/2019 20:55

museum I think It's aimed at all of us. When she replied to my apology she said 'it was only me and x (mutual friend). Ugh.

OP posts:
soulrider · 12/04/2019 20:56

Did you contact her that evening to say sorry you couldn't make it? Did she spend half the evening wondering if you were going to show up?

Drum2018 · 12/04/2019 20:56

She should be apologising, not you. She pissed about with plan changing, therefore it's her own fault. Don't take on her sulking. If she's cool with you tell her to grow the fuck up.

Original poster
swashbuckles · 12/04/2019 20:57

soul when I arrived at my old home town I had a msg off mutual friend asking was I still coming, I replied yes where are you then went to msg birthday friend and saw that msg in the group. So I sent both of them a msg explaining I hadn't seen the change of plan msg and was now in my hometown as I thought that was where they were. So yes I did let her know I wasn't going to come to the other town now.

OP posts:
Original poster
swashbuckles · 12/04/2019 21:00

I am surprised at the responses. I thought I may get a lot of 'you should have checked your 'phone' ones. I am just not sure how to explain why I didn't come without sounding selfish 'yeh I couldnt be arsed driving any more'.

OP posts:
ThatssomebadhatHarry · 12/04/2019 21:00

Wait....you own a house your friend lives in. So she is your tennant?

Original poster
swashbuckles · 12/04/2019 21:01

thasomebadhatharry yes, not the birthday friend though. I only mentioned that to explain why I was pleased at plan b (II had somewhere to stay in that town so wouldnt be as much driving or faffing about).

OP posts:
GruciusMalfoy · 12/04/2019 21:05

Honestly, you're being hard on yourself. You had a long day, plus a long commute back, only for the plans to be changed again. Not many people would have gone out in the car again at that point.

EmperorBallpitine · 12/04/2019 21:08

It was a situation entirely created by flip flopping friend.

AnnieMay100 · 12/04/2019 21:13

Did you explain you couldn’t drive to another town after receiving her text or just waited until the next day? If I was her and I hadn’t heard from you my first instinct would be that you couldn’t be bothered and naturally upset. However I think she’s in the wrong for changing plans and not making sure everyone knew them. She knew you had work and a long drive and expected too much of you. I had a friend like her once and we don’t see each other face to face anymore. If she is sulking just leave her to it you done nothing wrong, it wouldn’t have been worth your while looking at the bigger picture.

Original poster
swashbuckles · 12/04/2019 21:16

GruciusMalfoy okay, thanks. I maybe would have done as a young un' but I was pretty fecked for wnat of a nicer way of putting it, to be honest. The thought of another longish drive was not a pleasant one at all.

anniemay i should have put in the original post but I did in my reply at 20:57-yes I let them know as soon as I got to my old home town that I was there because I thought that's where they were and I wasnt coming to town X now.

OP posts:
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